A Note to Our Readers (Before They Blow Themselves Up)With articles like "Make a Bomb in the Kitchen of Your Mom" and "What to Expect in Jihad," al-Qaida is hoping that its new English-language magazine, (titled) Inspire, will help to recruit English-speaking Muslims inside of the United States and Europe. — Slate
Editor's Note: Welcome to Inspire (formerly Bloody Entrails Hanging From the Coffee Shop Sign Today)! We've been as busy as killer bees here at the magazine, working to bring you the latest tips and trends for the busy al-Qaida Fighta. It's summer, so we're focusing on food, fun and plastic explosives! Want something really special for that last meal before the big bang? How about fresh grilled lamb ke-bombs — juicy chunks of meat skewered with cherry tomatoes and mushrooms and seared like the flesh of a blazing nonbeliever? See Page 72. Or how about everyone's favorite, Qaida-fried chicken? It's trigger-lickin' good. (Page 81.) And what would summer — or at least the portion of it that you will be on earth to enjoy — be without ice cream? Even nihilistic nut jobs love a cool, creamy sundae! You'll find tips for blowing up an ice cream shop — after you've eaten a scrumptious split — on Page 101. Living in a cave? Well, with housing prices the way they are, who isn't? Rockin' rock dwellers MUST check out "Stalactites, Stalagmites, Stalag-Lights!" (Page 32), with tips for turning your dank, dark cave into a shimmering stunner. You may THINK Christmas tree lights are blasphemous, but they're not when they are used to illumine the glorious homes of those who hunt heathens. Hang 'em high; hang 'em low! Wrap 'em like rope around any hostages you may have.
Worried you might look scrawny standing there with a sword to your guy or gal's throat? Well, then it's time to get in shape. After all, it's now or never! We've got a killer exercise routine that'll buff you up in no time. All you need is a jump-rope, some hand weights and a yoga mat. No mat? No problem. Flatten one of your hostages. Quit making excuses for NOT EXERCISING. And quit making excuses for not dressing sharp. Our "Sassy Suicide Vests for Less Than $99" won't put a hole in your wallet — until they detonate! Finally, in the middle of our magazine, we are extremely excited to introduce our new, fully burqa'd Virgin of the Month. This month's virgin, Debbie, loved not dancing, not dining out and not holding hands for long walks on the beach, as all of these are sinful and disgusting and Debbie is — or, rather, was — pure. Luckily, she died a ripe and luscious 17-year-old and is therefore already in heaven, eagerly awaiting you. We think she's something worth killing hundreds of infidels and dying for. Hope you do, too! Until next month (if you're still around :-))! —Your Editor (Sorry, Gen. Petraeus, I'm NOT giving my name!) Lenore Skenazy is the author of "Who's the Blonde That Married What's-His-Name? The Ultimate Tip-of-the-Tongue Test of Everything You Know You Know — But Can't Remember Right Now" and "Free-Range Kids: How to Raise Safe, Self-Reliant Children (Without Going Nuts with Worry)." To find out more about Lenore Skenazy (lskenazy@yahoo.com) and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com. COPYRIGHT 2010 CREATORS.COM
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