Hate Took a Holiday

Well, it turns out that the gaggle of pastors trying to stop Cleveland's domestic partner registry couldn't get 11,000 of their own flock to sign the petition by last week's deadline.

The group's leader, the Rev. C. Jay Matthews, said the Christmas season made it tough for those gathering signatures. I guess peddling intolerance was just no match for Jesus.

Hate took a holiday. How 'bout that?

Heartening news, but just like in California, the targets of the pastors' campaign here are homosexuals, and I feel a tug of responsibility to warn my fellow heterosexuals what lies ahead when the registry becomes law later this year.

For starters, homosexual employees will continue to contribute to the local economy by holding down jobs and spending the bulk of their income right here.

Homosexual employers will do their darnedest to keep their workers gainfully employed. If the current pattern holds, they still will hire heterosexuals, even.

Gay and lesbian couples still will attend religious services, donate to charities, and raise children with strong moral compasses — and table manners, too.

Total mayhem.

Some don't comprehend what the registry does and doesn't do. Understandable, seeing as the registry is a good intention wrapped in a whisper.

The registry just guarantees that unmarried couples with none of the legal rights of marriage can pay the city fees to document that they are unmarried couples with none of the legal rights of marriage.

It's as if the Cleveland City Council said, "Look, we know that all committed adult couples should be equal in the eyes of the law, but we just can't bring ourselves to say that out loud, 'K?"

Now, the registry does arm gays and lesbians with a defense, sort of, against greedy relatives, self-righteous clergy, and all sorts of official-looking people who think only heterosexuals should have the legal right to marry no matter how many times it takes them to get it right.

To be specific, the registry gives same-sex couples pieces of paper to call their own.

For example, let's say you're gay and weeping over the body of your recently deceased partner, when her parents show up at the funeral and demand the keys to the house you shared for the past 20 years.

If the house is in her name only, I'm afraid you still are headed for a rental with a futon, but now you can whip out that sheet of domestic registry paper, wave it wildly, and shout: "We are too a couple! Says so right here on this document."

Much better, don't you think?

Some people who oppose the domestic partner registry claim that it may look benign but it's actually a toe in the door of the Homosexual Agenda.

I never have seen this agenda, but I know it exists because every time I ask homosexuals about it, they rattle off the same list:

1. Pick up milk and bread.

2. Pay electric bill.

3. Call Mom.

They never get to that part of the agenda recited by their opponents, who say that if you give homosexuals the right to call themselves couples, the next thing you know they'll demand health care for their beloveds, just like the spouses of heterosexuals. They'll want real weddings, too, with cake and everything. ( Must they kiss?) If they split, they'll want joint custody of the children they've been raising together.

Parental responsibility. It's one thing after another with those homosexuals.

Not to worry. The same pastors who failed to get enough signatures for the first petition are back on the case. This time, they need only 5,000 signatures to file what is called an "ordinance by initiative." That way, they say, they'll just write up their own legislation to outlaw the registry, and then Cleveland City Council will pass it.

This would be the same Cleveland City Council that already has said, "Nah, we want the registry."

These pastors are starting to remind me of a sign I saw last week outside a little church in Homerville, Ohio: "If you throw dirt, you lose ground."

The sands are shifting, dear pastors. Time to leap for higher ground.

Connie Schultz is a Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist for The Plain Dealer in Cleveland and the author of two books from Random House: "Life Happens" and "… and His Lovely Wife." To find out more about Connie Schultz (cschultz@plaind.com) and read her past columns, please visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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