Give Kids a Holiday From Divorce

Longtime divorce lawyer Marshall Wolf caught me off-guard last summer when I asked whether he still liked his work.

"Most of the time I do," he said over lunch. "But I hate the holidays."

We were less than two weeks out from Independence Day, and his memories of the latest round of parental showdowns were still raw.

"Every holiday it happens," he said. "Parents ignore agreements and start fighting over who gets the kids and when. It's all last-minute stuff. The closer we get to the holiday the less likely I am to answer the phone."

Wolf has been practicing family law in Cleveland for nearly 40 years. He is a ferocious advocate. On this sunny day in July, though, he looked less fierce than frustrated as he shrugged his shoulders and shook his head.

This issue of parental control — as in self-control — has needled me since that conversation with Wolf. And here we are. The relentless march of Thanksgiving is headed right for us, followed closely by Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa and New Year's Eve. Talk about endless opportunities for a family to weave happy memories or rip apart the fabric of its being.

Decisions, decisions.

Wouldn't it be nice if this year's traditions didn't include the ritual circle of hell for children of divorce?

If you're not a divorced parent, chances are you know someone who is. Perhaps you even love this person. It's pretty disconcerting to watch someone morph from beloved human being into scary beastie the first time Andy Williams crows about the hap-happiest time of the year over the loudspeaker at Target.

Most disturbing is discovering that the fire-breathing dragon under the mistletoe is you.

I called Wolf this week and reminded him of our conversation in July. As usual, he was dreading the holidays. There's just something about all that warm, holiday fuzziness that lays bare the simmering resentments of divorce, he said.

"Too often, the primary parent takes the position of ownership, as if they are giving the other parent some visitation.

But the court says: 'No, no. Parents are parents. They each have rights.'"

Nonresidential parents flip out, too.

"They tend to get melancholy and over-assert their position," Wolf said. "A custodial parent is supposed to drop off the children at 7 p.m., and at 7:10 p.m., I'm getting a call that they aren't there yet. Or a parent calls and says, 'I went to pick them up, and they're not ready.' There's really nothing a lawyer can do at that moment. If I don't pick up the phone, the parents tend to work it out."

Newsweek reported in April that each year, nearly 1 million children in this country go through divorces. I don't cite that statistic to inflict further pain on parents whose marriages didn't survive. I was a single mother for 11 years, and I know well the unlimited capacity for self-flagellation that starts the moment your precious child becomes a statistic of loss. As for when that guilt ends, I'll let you know.

But 1 million kids a year means there are a lot of children wondering who does and doesn't love them. Imagine how much harder it is when the two people they love most behave in ways that would get the kids grounded for a long, long time.

One of the most enduring gifts we can give our children is never wrapped but always returned, and that is the freedom from making us happy. Our well-being is not their job, and making that clear keeps our children coming home long after they aren't children anymore.

When divorced parents make their kids the scapegoats for unresolved rage, one of two things tends to happen once those children are grown, Wolf said.

"Either they are determined not to be screwed up like their parents and cut off contact with them," he said, "or they end up as screwed up as their parents."

The holidays are nearly here. For many moms and dads, the question looms:

What kind of parent will you be?

Connie Schultz is a Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist for The Plain Dealer in Cleveland and the author of two books from Random House: "Life Happens" and "… and His Lovely Wife." To find out more about Connie Schultz (cschultz@plaind.com) and read her past columns, please visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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