Toyota Says Cup Holders Still Working Great

TOKYO (The Borowitz Report) — Embattled automaker Toyota today said that despite problems with accelerators and brakes, the cup holders on its most popular car models were "perfectly safe to use."

"Feel free to enjoy the beverage of your choice and know that you can rest it in one of our cup holders with confidence," said Toyota spokesman Hiroshi Kyosuke. "Our cup holders are world-class."

But Kyosuke's upbeat comments about Toyota's cup holders were undercut somewhat later in the day by congressional testimony from Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood. "You should only feel safe to use your cup holder if your Toyota is parked in your driveway," LaHood said. "At 80 miles per hour, the cup holder becomes a rocket launcher."

Toyota's stock plunged 17 percent on the transportation secretary's remarks, prompting him to issue the following statement: "Opposite of what I said."

Chris Matthews Sees Avatar, Forgets Characters are Blue;

Host Attempts to Explain Latest Remarks

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — On his television program "Hardball" last night, host Chris Matthews revealed that he had seen the Oscar-nominated film "Avatar" and for an hour had forgotten that the alien characters, the Na'vi, were blue.

"I'm sitting there in the theater with my 3-D glasses on, and here are these blue creatures talking to a bunch of white guys," Matthews said.

"And for about an hour there I totally forgot they were blue."

Despite an awkward silence from his on-air guests, Matthews continued: "I mean, I totally forgot they were blue. And I forgot that they had three fingers and looked like cats."

"It says a lot about where our society is in 2010 that a bunch of white guys can be talking with a bunch of blue cat people with three fingers, in 3-D and what have you, and nobody makes a big deal out of it," he said. "I mean, that blows my mind in a way."

Matthews revealed that in addition to forgetting that the "Avatar" characters were blue, earlier in the day he had also forgotten his car keys, his home address and to put his pants on.

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the book "The Republican Playbook." To find out more about Andy Borowitz and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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