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Andy Borowitz
Andy Borowitz
19 Mar 2011
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State Department Offers Support 'to Whoever Winds Up Winning'


WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — As pro-democracy protests spread around the world, the U.S. State Department issued its strongest words to date about the situation, offering "to stand by whichever side winds up winning."

That pro-winning-side message, articulated today by Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, was intended to send a clear signal that the United States is willing to put all of its power and prestige on the line as soon as matters are settled by others.

"The United States has and will always be a beacon of freedom and democracy," Clinton said. "And in that capacity, we are vigilantly standing on the sidelines and offering the strongest possible monitoring of events from afar."

Joining her at the State Department press conference, President Barack Obama echoed her statement, telling reporters, "I am behind Secretary Clinton's mixed message 100 percent."

"To dictators who think they can get away with oppressing their people, let me say this," Obama continued.

"The United States of America is standing by, thousands of miles away, to see how this mess turns out."

As for any possible change in policy in the future, Clinton seemed to rule that out: "We will remain consistent in our policy of issuing meaningless statements at random intervals."

Clinton, however, did urge dictators to resist the temptation to pass power on to their sons: "If that had happened on 'The West Wing,' that would have been Charlie Sheen."

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the book "The Republican Playbook." To find out more about Andy Borowitz and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at



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