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Andy Borowitz
Andy Borowitz
19 Mar 2011
Afraid To Watch the News, Millions Turn to Fox

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12 Mar 2011
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5 Mar 2011
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Republicans Cut Shirts from Budget

Comment

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — In an effort to show that they are serious about reducing the size of the federal deficit, a group of House Republicans announced today that they would totally eliminate shirts from this year's congressional budget.

The lawmakers, who call themselves the Shirtless Republicans and are led by Rep. Christopher Lee, R-N.Y., appeared in the Capitol rotunda this morning naked from the waist up. "We are going to slash this budget until it is as ripped and shredded as my abs," Lee said, adding that in order to postpone their eligibility for Social Security, the Shirtless Republicans would also subtract seven years from their stated ages.

Immediately after their appearance, a spokesman for C-Span said that the network would immediately pull the plug on all future broadcasts from the House of Representatives: "We don't think the American people should have to see this."

State-Run Media Names Mubarak 'Sexiest Man Alive'

CAIRO (The Borowitz Report) — In what Middle Eastern experts take as a sign that he is still very much in charge, today Egyptian state-run media declared President Hosni Mubarak "Sexiest Man Alive." To make sure that everyone in the country learned of his honor, Mubarak briefly turned on the Internet before switching it off again.

Appearing on state-run TV to accept the Sexiest Man title, the Egyptian dictator adopted a conciliatory tone toward his political adversaries: "We may have our differences, but we can all agree that I am smokin' hot."

In a potentially hopeful sign, Mubarak did make a cryptic reference to a "transition plan," indicating that it involved transferring $40 billion from Egypt to Switzerland.

In Washington, a State Department spokesperson revealed that the U.S was actively searching for a replacement for Mubarak, "but we don't want to use the same headhunting firm that found Karzai."

Elsewhere, the NFL announced that next year's Super Bowl halftime show would feature Yoko Ono, a hyena and two balloons rubbed together.

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the book "The Republican Playbook." To find out more about Andy Borowitz and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2011 CREATORS SYNDICATE



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