Obama Rips Bankers Not Already in Cabinet

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — In a sharply worded speech, President Barack Obama today blasted all of the nation's bankers who are not currently in his cabinet.

Speaking from the White House, Obama said, "I want to send a strong warning to this country's bankers," before turning to his economic team and saying, "I don't mean you guys."

After the president excused them from listening to the rest of his address, approximately 100 former bankers filed out the door, leaving the room virtually empty.

Once the room had cleared, Obama resumed his attack on bankers, using his strongest rhetoric to date: "If you do not clean up your act, I am prepared to give you heck."

Elsewhere, Tiger Woods disclosed that as part of his aversion therapy for sex addiction he is being shown videos of Lou Dobbs.

Pat Robertson a ‘Public Relations Nightmare,' Says God;

Almighty Holds Rare Press Conference

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) — In the wake of his comments about the earthquake in Haiti, televangelist Pat Robertson has become a "public relations nightmare" and a "gynormous embarrassment to me, personally," God said today.

In a rare press conference at the Grand Hyatt in New York City, the usually reclusive Almighty said that He was taking the unusual step of airing His feelings in public because "enough is enough."

"I pray that his TV show would just go away, but of course, when you're me, there's no one to pray to," God said, to the laughter of the packed room of reporters.

While God held out no hope that Rev.

Robertson's "The 700 Club" would be cancelled anytime soon, He did say, somewhat ruefully, "If Pat Robertson were on NBC, he'd have been replaced by Jay Leno by now."

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the book "The Republican Playbook." To find out more about Andy Borowitz and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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