Mistresses of Tiger Woods March on Washington; Crowd Estimated at Over One Million

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) -- In one of the largest mass demonstrations in recent history, over one million women claiming to have had sexual liaisons with Tiger Woods marched on Washington today.

Determined to show that they are a political force to be reckoned with, the coalition of nightclub hostesses, cocktail waitresses and lingerie models stopped traffic for hours as they marched to the Capitol.

Shandy Shanoyne, a 22-year-old thong publicist who had an on-again, off-again relationship with Woods, said she organized the march to demand benefits such as health care and workers compensation for the golfer's many girlfriends.

"We are sick and tired of being told to take our names off our voicemail greetings," she said.

"We have demands, and they must be met. Quickly. Huge."

According to Shanoyne, the million or so mistresses of Woods' who showed up at the march are just the tip of the iceberg: "A new girlfriend of Tiger's holds a press conference every 11 seconds."

In a related story, David Letterman today cleared all the golf clubs out of his house.

 

GOP Claims Olympia Snowe Was Born in Kenya;

Birthers Demand Proof of Non-Kenyan Status

 

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) -- Just moments after she broke with fellow Republicans and voted in favor of health care reform, Sen. Olympia Snowe, R-Maine, came under fire from the GOP for allegedly lying about her nation of birth.

"This vote is going to raise suspicions, once again, that Sen. Snowe was born in Kenya," said GOP Chairman Michael Steele. "We demand that she prove, once and for all, that she is definitely not Kenyan."

Orly Taitz, leader of the so-called "birther" movement, said that Sen. Snowe's vote was "textbook Kenyan" behavior: "She's putting her tribe first."

In other news, conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh said he would acquire the St. Louis Rams and rename their stadium The House of Painkillers.

Limbaugh's move came after a failed bid to acquire Minnesota's NFL franchise and rename it the Minnesota Vicodins.

Elsewhere, the Rev. Moon married 10,000 people, putting him slightly ahead of Liza Minnelli.

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the book "The Republican Playbook." To find out more about Andy Borowitz and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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