Julian Assange to Launch Social Network for Diplomats: Twofacebook

LONDON (The Borowitz Report) — Moments after being released on bail, WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange was already making plans for his next venture, a social network for diplomats called Twofacebook.

Assange said he came up with the idea for the new site while combing through hundreds of thousands of pages of WikiLeaks documents: "I realized that diplomats didn't have a way to reconnect with old colleagues so they could lie to them."__ Explaining that he hopes to build the site into a "portal of deceit," Assange said, "This will be a must-visit destination on the Internet for sworn enemies to friend each other."__

The WikiLeaks founder said that Twofacebook would also enable members of the diplomatic community to share information about music, movies and TV shows "that they say they like but actually detest."__ Additionally, he said he had high hopes for the site's first online game, Harmville, in which diplomats can kill or maim each other's sheep.

Elsewhere, President Obama said he was "delighted" by his new deal with Republicans, in which he agreed to give them his lunch money.

Democrats Move 2012 Convention to Metrodome

MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report) — In a move that took many political observers by surprise, the Democratic National Committee decided today to move its 2012 nominating convention to the Minneapolis Metrodome.

Insiders questioned the wisdom of choosing a venue that collapsed over the weekend, but Obama political adviser David Axelrod told reporters, "Quite frankly, we can't think of a more appropriate site."__

Giving reporters a tour of the Metrodome facility, Axelrod said, "The Metrodome has taken a lot of hard knocks in the press, just like the Democrats have. But you can't believe everything you read. We're a lot stronger and a lot tougher than you might..." Before he could complete his sentence, Axelrod was felled by a chunk of the Metrodome's ceiling and was rushed to the Mayo Clinic.

Resting comfortably, Axelrod said he still thought the Metrodome was an appropriate venue for the Democrats, but added, "We're also looking into some Carnival Cruise ships."__

In other political news, Christine O'Donnell said she is so excited that the national health care plan was found unconstitutional, "it almost makes me want to read the Constitution."

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the book "The Republican Playbook." To find out more about Andy Borowitz and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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