iPad™ Wins Nobel Peace Prize

OSLO, NORWAY (The Borowitz Report) — In a remarkable break with tradition, the committee that awards the Nobel Peace Prize chose today to bestow that coveted honor on the Apple iPad™. It was believed to be the first time an electronic device has won the Peace Prize, which is usually awarded to a human being, experts say.

"We didn't want to fall prey to all of the hype surrounding the iPad™," said Nobel committee chairperson Gustav Traavik, who waited at the Apple store in Oslo for over two hours to buy the device. "But it is sweet."

In the first 24 hours after it was released, the iPad™ was credited with an impressive list of accomplishments, including saving the newspaper industry, the publishing business and Tiger Woods' marriage.

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Sales Sluggish for New Sony Walkman™ Stores Virtually Empty

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) — What if they launched a new high-tech gadget and nobody came? That's the question the Sony Corporation is asking itself after the disappointing launch Saturday morning of its much-hyped new music playing device, the Sony Walkman Sports Ultra™.

In Sony stores around the world, the company hired additional salesclerks to handle the anticipated crowds — crowds that never materialized.

"So far only three people have come into the store this morning, and two of them were just looking for a bathroom," said Tracy Klugian, a clerk at the Sony store in downtown Chicago. "I'm kind of like, where is everybody?"

Klugian said he was puzzled that the new Sony Walkman™, which comes in seven sporty colors and has such features as auto-reverse, has failed to catch on with consumers: "If there's a more awesome device being sold this morning, I'd like to know what it is."

But according to tech insider Zach Felderstein, the tepid reception to the new Sony Walkman™ may be a simple case of bad timing. "In this business, timing is everything," said Felderstein, who organized last month's poorly attended tech conference North by Northwest.

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the book "The Republican Playbook." To find out more about Andy Borowitz and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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