NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) — In a settlement of the government's securities fraud case against Goldman Sachs, the bank's CEO, Lloyd Blankfein, has agreed to perform two years of community service as Treasury Secretary of the United States.
At a press conference in New York, Blankfein said that as Treasury Secretary he would "continue to do God's work as I did at Goldman, but at a significant pay cut."?? A Treasury Dept. spokesperson said that by performing community service as Treasury Secretary, Blankfein will be able to do less harm to the economy because he will have significantly less power than he had as chairman of Goldman.
His experience at Goldman, however, will be "invaluable" in his new role as Treasury Secretary, the spokesperson said: "Lloyd Blankfein's years of marketing worthless securities have prepared him for the important task of selling Treasuries to the Chinese."??
Blankfein is the latest in a long line of Goldman chairmen to serve as Treasury Secretary, although he is believed to be the first to do so while wearing an electronic ankle bracelet.
Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the book "The Republican Playbook." To find out more about Andy Borowitz and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
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