WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) -- In what some in the White House are calling a "win/win" solution to the nation's airport security and health care reform problems, starting next month U.S. airports will begin conducting full-body scans that will double as annual physical checkups.
President Obama announced the breakthrough solution, telling reporters, "With this all-purpose exam, we will be able to find everything from a hidden weapon to a spot on your lung."
After scanning a passenger, Obama said, "We will either give you a clean bill of health or wrestle you to the ground."
The president added that instituting the body scan/checkup could ward off some terrorists right from the start, "because a lot of them will balk at the $25 co-pay."
But according to Davis Logsdon, who studies terrorism and health care reform at the University of Minnesota, the body scans may attract more terrorists than they deter: "If there's one complaint that terrorists have about al-Qaida, it's that they have lousy benefits."
Elsewhere, a new book claims that actor Warren Beatty slept with 13,000 women, making him the second-ranked golfer in the world.
Bush Calls Last Decade 'Tough Act to Follow';
Former President Looks Back on 'Greaterest Decade'
CRAWFORD, TX (The Borowitz Report) -- The decade just past was "an awesome one in just about every way" and will be hard to top, according to former President George W. Bush.
In a new interview with the former president, Bush reflected on the highlights of what he believes will be known as "The Greaterest Decade."
"We won the war on terror in Iraq and Afghanistan, and we made the dream of home ownership available to millions of Americans who couldn't afford their monthly payments," he said. "That's going to be a tough act to follow."
Bush also said that of all his accomplishments over the past decade, he was proudest of "improving America's standing around the world."
"Anywhere you go, people love America," he said. "I see this in Crawford every day."
As for his successor, President Barack Obama, he had some simple advice: "Never forget where you came from, which, in your case, is Kenya.
Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the book "The Republican Playbook." To find out more about Andy Borowitz and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
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