Apple Launches Text-Sharing Device, the CoTex

CUPERTINO (The Borowitz Report) — In the same week that it launched its much-touted iPad, Apple introduced its latest game-changer to the tech marketplace, a text-sharing device called the CoTex.

"There are a lot of texting devices out there that can absorb data," said Apple founder Steve Jobs. "But nothing absorbs more than a CoTex."

Jobs said that when used in conjunction with Apple's just-released mobile device, the AllWays StayFree, "the CoTex has what it takes to handle a heavy flow of information."

When asked about the flurry of new products Apple released at the end of January, Jobs mused, "I guess it's that time of the month."

Elsewhere, a new poll shows that 90 percent of Republicans who did not hear President Obama's State of the Union address disagreed with it.

Bin Laden Claims Responsibility for Balloon Boy Hoax;

CIA Analyzing Latest Terror Tape

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — One day after claiming responsibility for the Christmas Day underpants bomber, Osama bin Laden appeared in a new terror tape in which he claimed responsibility for the Balloon Boy hoax that held the nation spellbound last year.

"The so-called Balloon Boy claimed that he ‘did it for the show,'” a stern-faced bin Laden says on the tape, which surfaced Sunday morning.

"In point of fact, he did it for jihad!"

In the somewhat rambling tape, bin Laden spends 45 minutes claiming responsibility for other things, including the massive Tylenol recall, John Edwards' illegitimate baby and the Detroit Lions' NFL season.

According to a CIA analyst familiar with the tape, a new characterization of Osama bin Laden may be beginning to emerge: "He's like a movie executive: No matter how little he was involved, he claims credit."

Elsewhere, Tiger Woods denied reports that he had changed his ringtone to "Pants on the Ground."

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the book "The Republican Playbook." To find out more about Andy Borowitz and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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