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Andy Borowitz
Andy Borowitz
19 Mar 2011
Afraid To Watch the News, Millions Turn to Fox

Afraid To Watch the News, Millions Turn to Fox NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) — With unprecedented … Read More.

12 Mar 2011
Etch A Sketch 2 Takes Gadget World by Storm

LONG BEACH, CA (The Borowitz Report) — A new combatant entered the so-called tablet war today, and it's … Read More.

5 Mar 2011
Unemployment Rose Last Week by Two and a Half Men

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — The economic recovery received an unexpected jolt today as the Labor … Read More.

Apple Cancels Press Conference on iPhone Alarm Glitch after Steve Jobs Oversleeps


CUPERTINO (The Borowitz Report) — Apple, Inc. canceled a press conference today to address the glitch plaguing the iPhone's alarm function when company chief Steve Jobs failed to show.

"I totally overslept," Jobs later told reporters. "I've got to say this is really embarrassing."__

Apple's engineers have been working day and night to fix the problems with the iPhone's alarm, but so far have seen only limited success, according to Jobs: "We've gotten the alarm to go off, but for some reason it plays 'Never Gonna Give You Up,' by Rick Astley."__

Jobs, however, did offer a temporary fix to iPhone users whose alarms do not work: "For the time being, tape your iPhone to a working alarm clock."

Birthers Challenge Hawaii to Produce Statehood Certificate

KAILUA, HAWAII (The Borowitz Report) — Leaders of the so-called Birther movement followed President Obama on his Hawaiian vacation today to demand that Hawaii prove it is actually a U.S. state.

Obama's claim to American citizenship has rested on his birthplace being Hawaii, but the Birthers argued today that Hawaii's claim to being part of America is far from a foregone conclusion.

Speaking to reporters in Kailua, Birther leader Orly Taitz said that Hawaii couldn't be considered part of the United States "unless it can produce an authentic statehood certificate."__ Taitz said she did a thorough title search on the islands and has concluded that rather than being a U.S. state, "the islands of Hawaii appear to be colonies of Kenya."

__"That means that everyone born in Hawaii is legally not an American but a Kenyan," she said, "which I find ironic."__

The Birthers' contention that Hawaii is not a state promptly drew support from one leading Republican politician, former Gov. Sarah Palin. __"To be honest, it's something I've always kind of wondered about," Palin said. "Hawaii just isn't an American-sounding name, like Alaska."

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the book "The Republican Playbook." To find out more about Andy Borowitz and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at



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Fri Sep 5, 2014 2:03 AM
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