Ahmadinejad Promises Democratic Reforms in Egypt

TEHRAN (The Borowitz Report) — In a dramatic address to pro-democracy protesters in Tehran, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad promised the people of Iran that there would soon be democratic reforms in Egypt.

"Your call for democratic freedoms has been heard loud and clear," Ahmadinejad told the protesters. "And soon, they will be instituted in Egypt, where you can visit them." He said that every Iranian who thirsts for democracy "should rejoice at it blossoming such a short plane ride away."

In an effort to cater to the social-media habits of Iran's youth, Ahmadinejad said that the Iranian government would soon establish a Facebook page for democracy and permit the protesters to click on "Like."

The Iranian president said that democracy in nearby Egypt plus a democracy-themed Facebook page show that the Iranian government is "bending over backward" to listen to its people. "I know that you want democracy," he told the crowd. "But for the time being, you'll just have to settle for hypocrisy."

Elsewhere, democracy continued to sweep every Middle Eastern country that George W.

Obama Says He Was Falsely Encouraged by Mubarak's Out of Office Autoreply

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — Explaining why he had been convinced yesterday that Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak was about to relinquish his position, President Barack Obama said that he had been misled by Mubarak's out of office autoreply to Obama's e-mail. Embarrassed at the misinterpretation, Obama conceded today that "maybe I took it a little too literally."

In a sign that he is losing patience with the Egyptian leader, Obama said that the U.S. was preparing to send Mubarak a new e-mail "with the strongest frowny-faced emoticons at our disposal."

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton also expressed frustration with Mubarak's unwillingness to leave, calling him "Egypt's first zombie president."

In what some observers have seen as an ominous sign, Mubarak has reportedly been consulting about his career plans with Jay Leno.

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the book "The Republican Playbook." To find out more about Andy Borowitz and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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