The King's Thing, or Why the Queen Might Well Be My AuntCourtesy of the Oscar-laden "King's Speech," George VI, previously a dim bulb in the history books, now at least will be remembered as a stutterer, but there was more to the man than that. The stresses that prompted the stutter extended to other regions of the king's body, as Kitty Kelley disclosed in her fine book "The Royals." Sexual dysfunction plagued poor George VI. Elizabeth and Margaret were conceived (respectively in 1926 and 1930) with the help of artificial insemination, donor undisclosed. Actually, since the sisters did not resemble each other, we can conjecture that possibly two donors were involved. The explanation for Princess Margaret's attractive Jewish looks used to be that her great-great grandfather, Prince Albert, was in fact the son of the Baron von Mayern, the cultivated Jewish chamberlain at the court of the Duke of Saxe-Coburg, Albert's official father — a brutish creature of the homosexual preference. Candidates for the donor role should no doubt start with immediate relatives, such as George V, though probably not the Prince of Wales, later Edward VIII, who had his own problems in that department until achieving satisfaction with Wallis Simpson, who had notable skills as regards physical encouragement. My maternal grandfather, Maj. Jack Arbuthnot of the Scots Guards, could be a candidate as the mystery donor for the future queen. In terms of physiognomy, Margaret is less likely. When he was commanding the guard detail at Balmoral, Elizabeth Bowes-Lyon, later George VI's consort, would visit from Glamis castle, as a young girl. The high-spirited Elizabeth used to insist that my grandfather play "Horse", carrying her about on his shoulders. Perhaps in 1926, the duchess, as she then was, remembered that early, fairly intimate proximity and sent a royal request to the now seasoned but still virile Jack, himself from reputable genetic stock, not too different from the man sometimes suspected of being Queen Victoria's real father, another Anglo-Irishman, Sir John Conroy. Jack was an interesting character, a good artist and light versifier, at one point enhancing his income by journalism, initiating the Beachcomber column in the Daily Express.
If the normally very private business of unofficial sperm donorship, whether from lovers or test tubes, was accurately reflected in family trees, they would certainly have to rewrite substantial portions of Debrett's and Burke's peerages. The popularity of the royal family after the war was very considerable, but should not be overestimated. In his excellent history "Austerity Britain," David Kynaston quotes James Lees-Milne as recording in his diary for Nov. 18, 1947, apropos announcement of the engagement of Princess Elizabeth to Prince Philip of Greece, a disturbing dinner with Simon Mosley of the Coldstream Guards: "Says that 50 percent of the guardsmen in his company refused to contribute towards a present for Princess Elizabeth. The dissentients came to him in a body and, quite pleasantly, gave him their reasons. One, the Royal Family did nothing for anybody, and two, the Royal Family would not contribute towards a present for their weddings." Moreover, "when Simon Mosley said that without the Royal Family the Brigade of Guards, with its privileges and traditions, would cease to exist, they replied, 'Good! Let them both cease to exist.'" Alexander Cockburn is co-editor with Jeffrey St. Clair of the muckraking newsletter CounterPunch. He is also co-author of the new book "Dime's Worth of Difference: Beyond the Lesser of Two Evils," available through www.counterpunch.com. To find out more about Alexander Cockburn and read features by other columnists and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com. COPYRIGHT 2011 CREATORS.COM 
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