What's a Parent to Do? by William Moyers on Creators.com

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What's a Parent to Do?

Researchers at the University of Georgia find that middle-school students who date report using twice as much alcohol, tobacco and marijuana as dateless classmates. Dating teens are also likelier to develop unhealthy study habits and drop out of school, says the study. Explains a researcher, "These adolescents start dating early as part of an overall pattern of high-risk behaviors." In other words, the bumper sticker "Hugs, Not Drugs" may have the opposite effect when it comes to teens under love's influence. Maybe.

That doesn't mean parents should drug-test their kids after a date. Unless you live in New Jersey, where another study finds that teens who were randomly screened for drugs were less likely to use them later in life. Researchers at Fairleigh Dickinson University and the Partnership for a Drug-Free New Jersey conclude that testing sends students a message that drug use leads to trouble, and it helps to foster a culture of expectation that such use won't be tolerated now or later. Maybe.

Parents among the readers, pause right now! Don't react by locking your romancing teen in the closet or moving to New Jersey and initiating random urine screens. Take a deep breath. Keep reading. Hear me out. There's hope.

I know a couple who dabbled in dating in high school, but when they met on a college campus and fell in love, they took the riskiest of all risks and got married when he was all of 20 and "teen" was still a suffix in her age. To my knowledge, they never used illegal drugs, and when they drank, it was rarely to excess. Almost 60 years later, they're still married. Not always easy, but theirs is a relationship that's always worth the persistent hard work.

Along the way, they had a son who steadily dated the same girl through four years of high school.

She didn't take drugs and imbibed responsibly, while he often drank to intoxication and smoked a lot of pot. To his parents, ignorance wasn't bliss. Trust was all-consuming. Besides, he was a pretty good guy. And drug testing didn't exist. They never saw it coming.

By his early 20s, what spun out of his substance use was addiction, and into that messy vortex his parents, sister and brother were sucked, along with his sanity and everything he valued and knew was right. Those stop-start-stop-start years finally ended when he stopped getting high and started to take responsibility for living a clean and sober life. That was a long time ago. Everyone's come through it OK — not intact the way it once was but together, how it must be.

The point? Research does matter. The data, interpretation and conclusions can help us to anticipate and respond to what life throws our way. Dating might lead to risky behaviors, including drug use. Drug testing might deter problems now or later. So say this spat of new studies.

Not always, though. For every majority, there is a minority. Life's mean, medium and mode create lots of wiggle room for differences. The law of averages is never equally applied.

That leaves it up to parents. We can't expect to do it perfectly. Let's not expect any more from our kids. All of us are destined to make mistakes. Go down a wrong road. Stub our toe or fall down. I know of no research or university study that proves the value of hanging in there for our kids no matter what. But my own life is indisputable proof that a mother and father's indefatigable commitment all the way to this moment is why I am here today.

William Moyers is the vice president of public affairs and community relations for the Hazelden Foundation and the author of "Broken," his best-selling memoirs. His new book, "Now What? An Insider's Guide to Addiction and Recovery," has just been published. Please send your questions to William Moyers at wmoyers@hazelden.org. To find out more about William Moyers and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.