Stay or Go by William Moyers on Creators.com

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Stay or Go

The first month of a new year always comes with a flurry of concerns and questions from people who, like the calendar, have changed.

Dear Mr. Moyers: Right or wrong, I forced my girlfriend to get help last year because she partied too much. I guess you could say it was an ultimatum; she had to stop it, or I was going to break up with her. Well, she started going to church, and she stopped drinking. Five months later, she's all right. Now the problem's that I don't want to be with her anymore anyway. But I'm afraid to tell her because she might party again, and then it would be my fault, wouldn't it? (I'm 19.) — Daren O., Elmira, N.Y.

Dear Daren: I admire you for leveraging your relationship to compel your girlfriend to seek help. Usually people with a drinking or drug problem can't or won't understand the implications it has on the people who care for them until they hear it directly. "Stop, or else" gets their attention. But just because she's better doesn't mean you should stay together. Take the drink or drug away and sometimes the dynamic of the relationship changes — for better or worse. No matter what, your girlfriend has to stay healthy. You aren't responsible for her recovery. So do what you must for yourself, and don't feel guilty for your decisions; let her take care of herself. Besides, you're both still young. A door closed today may open another door tomorrow. Life is filled with surprises.

Sadly, though, sometimes life's surprises are not pleasant.

Dear Mr. Moyers: My husband finally woke up and realized he had a problem after a 20-year relationship with beer that just about destroyed our 30-year marriage.

It was such a relief to our two children and especially me. For so many years, we lived with the unpredictability of his alcoholism, especially the emotional strains. We stuck with him until he finally, finally got help. Now he's home sober and dropped a bombshell at the kitchen table: He wants a divorce! He says he's in love with a woman he met in the rehab center. Apparently, he didn't even know this woman two months ago. In his case, treatment got him sober, but it sure didn't work for me. Is he for real? Should I ignore him and wait till he comes to his senses or file for a divorce before he does? — Elaine C., Sioux Falls, S.D.

Dear Elaine: I can't give you legal advice about what to do. But it isn't unusual for people in treatment to become involved with others in treatment, no matter what their relationships are back at home. Newly free from substances, they suddenly discover intense or renewed physical and emotional feelings, and in intimate group therapy sessions, these feelings can attach to others. He may think he's for real. Usually relationships forged in treatment fade away. And soon he will discover that what he sees now is not what he gets later. Urge him to get marriage counseling with you. Don't do anything rash. In the meantime, though, tell him that he can leave if he wants but that you and the kids are staying put.

William Moyers is the vice president of foundation relations for the Hazelden Foundation and the author of "Broken," his best-selling memoirs, and "A New Day, A New Life." Please send your questions to William Moyers at wmoyers@hazelden.org. To find out more about William Moyers and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.