Summer is hanging on in many parts of the country. But there's no doubt the season is changing. Students are back in school. And already, college campuses are hosting the annual pilgrimages of parents eager to check up on their kids who have flown the coop and are living away from home, many for the first time.
Dear Mr. Moyers: I just got back from visiting my freshman son at a small college in southeastern Pennsylvania. His sole reason for going there — and my willingness to work two jobs all these years to cover the tuition — was it offered a strong academic regimen in a bucolic setting away from the city life that had caused him and our family many problems growing up. Yet I was simply shocked at the debauchery; alcohol was pretty much at every event, from the president's reception to the parking lot at the football game. And the fraternities! There was a lot of wild stuff going on, though my son insists underage drinking is monitored tightly. I left feeling very uncomfortable with the culture and his exposure to it. Am I being unrealistic? — Monique M., Newark, N.J.
Dear Monique: No, you aren't unreasonable. Especially in these times, college administrations are acutely aware that alcohol is not only a danger but also a detriment to the academic quality and reputations of their institutions. Policies are in place to curb underage alcohol use and crack down on students who violate them. But alcohol consumption remains a big problem, especially off campus. Sadly, your son's school sends a mixed message that a good time is not possible without alcohol, even at an official reception for parents. I urge you to raise your concerns with the administration.
Equally important, make sure your son understands your expectations for him. You are still his mother. And besides, the tuition's on you.
It isn't always the students, though, who are at risk.
Dear Mr. Moyers: This will be my fourth "parents weekend" for a child in college but my first as a sober man. I'm ashamed to admit that I used to look forward to these things as a good excuse to drink like a student. I pretty much made a fool of myself at my kids' expense. The most recent one hastened my admission to treatment a year ago. Thank God I am sober now. But I am nervous because I am not sure I can be in a social setting like that without a drink in my hand or a buzz to take the edge off. Yet my daughter really wants me there this year. What should I do? — Andrew N., Peoria, Ill.
Dear Andrew: By all means, go! My hunch is that your daughter is eager to show you around campus because she knows you won't embarrass her by making a fool of yourself. I'm sure she's grateful her dad is sober. Just make sure you don't jeopardize your recovery. Plan to attend a support group meeting while you're there; many schools now provide them as part of the weekend alternatives for parents (and others) who feel uncomfortable around alcohol. If one isn't available, you can always decline the party. Instead, take your daughter and a few of her new friends to a fancy restaurant, where you can avoid the booze and spend the money on good food. It will be a memorable occasion for your daughter. And you'll remember it, too.
William Moyers is the vice president of foundation relations for the Hazelden Foundation and the author of "Broken," his best-selling memoirs, and "A New Day, A New Life." Please send your questions to William Moyers at wmoyers@hazelden.org. To find out more about William Moyers and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
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