This might be funny except …
Dear Mr. Moyers: An avid golfer, my husband has more time on his hands now than he knows what to do with since he retired. He fills the day playing 18 holes — every day! But that's not the biggest problem. No, it's the 19th hole: the clubhouse bar. He's drunk by the time he gets home for dinner. Lately though, the 19th hole comes before the first hole. He has a drink or two before he heads out for the links. Yesterday he couldn't even finish the round. He ran the cart into one of the ponds. His golfing buddies just laughed it off. I'm not laughing. What should I do? We've been married 54 years, and he was never like this until retirement. — Elizabeth C. in Greensboro, N.C.
Elizabeth wrote to me a few days before news reports about a man who was killed when he fell off a golf cart at a Minnesota resort. The driver was arrested for being under the influence.
Dear Elizabeth: Behind the wheel of a car on a public highway or in a cart at a private golf course, people who drive when they are drunk have a problem. In your husband's case, he clearly is using alcohol to fill a void caused by his retirement, and he probably is justifying his drinking as par for the course (no pun intended) now that he no longer is working and is supposed to be enjoying life. Ironically, addiction is a growing issue for many older adults, who use alcohol or prescription drugs to ease physical or emotional pain that comes with age. Your husband needs help. Start by telling him you are worried, and make sure you cite specific examples, including the incident at the golf course. Let him know you want to help him. Go with him to the doctor to discuss ways he can deal with his alcohol use. After 54 years of marriage, you've weathered a lot.
I am confident both of you can get through this together.
Even at family celebrations where everyone is drinking, things can quickly get out of hand and hint at a problem that goes beyond the norms.
Dear Mr. Moyers: In June, my sister got married. We're a large irascible Irish-Catholic family, and she married a man whose family is equally large, irascible and Protestant. This is America, not Ireland. We're on friendly terms. But I'm sure there was a bit of historical animosity, and it erupted at the reception once everyone started toasting and drinking and dancing and trying to upstage one another. Before we knew it, guests were throwing wedding cake. It all escalated. My brother was in a fight with the groom's brother and broke his arm. The ice sculpture was smashed and the shrimp trays scattered all over the floor. The groom (my new brother-in-law) stormed out, and my sister was left in tears. Even after the reception ended abruptly, a bunch of family members on both sides still hung around drinking the free booze at the bar, making jokes. I want to make sure this doesn't happen when I get married a year from now. What should I do? — Kaye O. in Brockton, Mass.
Dear Kaye: Alcohol fuels emotions, good or bad. No doubt it was the catalyst that unleashed simmering sentiments from the past, even between families who apparently like each other and were united in love. But there is a simple solution to your concerns: Don't serve alcohol at all. Instead, cater a meal everyone will remember. It shouldn't take alcohol for everyone to have a good time. But if you still feel pressured, serve only champagne poured by waiters. And limit the supply. Everyone will go home well-fed, and they'll remember the celebration, too.
William C. Moyers is the vice president of external affairs for the Hazelden Foundation and the author of "Broken," a best-selling memoir. The paperback edition was released in August 2007. Please send your questions to William Moyers at William@WilliamMoyers.com. To find out more about William Moyers and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
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