Beyond Addiction

Here we go again and again and again.

It's the holidays. And with Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas and New Year's, there is plenty of opportunity for fun and feasting with family and friends.

But for many of us, the holidays also are a season of stress. There are temptations to eat too much, to ring in the new year with alcohol or other drugs, to shop beyond our budgets, or to pretend that all is well around the dining room table, when in truth, Mom resents Dad, and little brother Johnnie is stoned out of his mind.

Dear Mr. Moyers: This will be my first Christmas clean and sober. I got out of alcoholism treatment last summer, and I love my new life so far. However, my husband doesn't really get it and thinks I'll be OK if he drinks around me. For him, that means a six-pack before dinner and wine with dinner. To top it off, "tradition" makes us visit his parents, who are decent people when they aren't drinking. The problem is they always drink when their son visits. I can't stand the thought of drinking alcohol right now. But just the same, the thought of sitting around while they drink is driving me crazy. What should I do? — Heather L., Paramus, N.J.

Dear Heather: It is time for you to bury those holiday traditions, or at least change them for now. Nothing is more important than your recovery. It comes first. Tell your husband that the best gift he can give you is a day without alcohol. And set boundaries with your in-laws. Agree ahead of time that you and your husband will visit them for a set time period, perhaps before or after the main meal of the day. If that doesn't work, get selfish and stay at home. That's a gift you owe yourself. Don't spend it alone. Go to a 12-step meeting, or have other people in recovery over to your house. Usually there are extra meetings on big holidays because many people share your problem.

My friend Karen Casey, a noted author whose personal life and professional expertise have helped to guide millions of people into recovery and healthier lifestyles, has some pointers for the holidays:

Make a plan for maintaining balance.

She also suggests making a gratitude list of the "very concrete evidence of the good in your life" that has resulted from recovery and healthy habits. Refer to that list during the good or tough times of the season as a reminder that the results are worth the hard work.

Mend fences, or reconnect with someone who has been an integral part of your life. "Healing and staying healthy doesn't happen in isolation," Karen says. Forgiving others and being forgiven by them allows everyone to move forward, and the holidays are a great excuse to jump-start that challenging but essential process.

But helping strangers can help you, too, Karen emphasizes. Use this season of good will to volunteer at a homeless shelter, or make or serve meals at a senior center. "When we give back to others, we receive what we need to help ourselves, too," she says. It is also a great "excuse" not to go or linger too long at the in-laws' house. Who can argue with your plan to give some of your time and energy to other people who are in need?

Tough economic times, such as these, exacerbate holiday stress. Perhaps the best bailout plan of the year is the one you make for yourself.

William C. Moyers is the vice president of external affairs for the Hazelden Foundation and the author of "Broken," a best-selling memoir. The paperback edition was released in August 2007. Please send your questions to William Moyers at William@WilliamMoyers.com. To find out more about William Moyers and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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