A dear friend of mine was diagnosed with breast cancer. The experts told her that a mastectomy was needed to eliminate the disease but that nothing else was necessary. She had the breast removed and also chose to undergo the rigors of chemotherapy. She went to any length to improve her chances. It meant losing her hair and suffering the debilitating side effects. But six years later, she is healthy. There is no sign of the cancer. By every measure, the treatment was a success.
The ultimate goal of treatment for addiction, just like cancer or other chronic illnesses, is to keep it from coming back. At Hazelden, where I work, about 55 percent of our patients remain clean and sober in the year following treatment. The rest start drinking or taking drugs again, meaning they relapse and experience a recurrence of their illness. That doesn't mean, however, that all is lost.
Dear Mr. Moyers: How do you define a successful recovery? My wife has been a recovering alcoholic for four years now. She drank heavily for 12 years before she quit with two rehab stints. She attends AA meetings semi-regularly and appears to be pretty happy. My children and I are the only people who know she slips. She has slipped a total of five or six times. Four of those times were when I was on vacation with the guys. When confronted, she says that I should not worry about it so much and that it's no big deal. I have learned not to sugarcoat the issue, even though it is not my nature. I sit and worry about the next time and feel I should not travel anywhere anymore. As it is, she is 95 percent sober and does seem really happy to me. I thought that things would be different and that we could move on. I am as stuck as I ever have been and feel very resentful.
— Nathan L., Kenosha, Wis.
Dear Nathan: The good news is that neither you nor your wife is in denial about what is happening. She's drinking despite several treatments and visits to 12-step meetings. That's not the desirable outcome for either of you. Consequences are bound to follow. But your willingness to honestly discuss it is a vital lifeline between you. Don't sever it. Make it clear to her that you want her to stop drinking. Learn to let go of the resentment by being grateful that your wife is better than she once was and that she hasn't given up. Urge her on. But don't try to carry her along the way. Successful recovery happens only when the alcoholic is willing to do the hard work. In the meantime, set firm boundaries with her. Ask that she not drink in your presence or jeopardize your finances, home or well-being. If she cannot agree, then you must do what is necessary to take care of yourself. In the meantime, don't stop taking vacations with your friends. You deserve it.
Treatment centers, such as Hazelden, know that for many patients, relapse is part of the experience that ultimately leads to sustainable recovery. In fact, of the people who do relapse in their first year after treatment, about 25 percent report that they significantly reduce their use of substances and improve the quality of their lives even while continuing to use them. They learn a lot in treatment. They aren't necessarily ready to quit altogether, but they see the value of recovery and the importance of not giving up, even while they struggle.
It is never too early to stop drinking, and it is never too late. What happens in between is often the bridge to lifelong recovery. I call it hope.
William Moyers is the vice president of foundation relations for the Hazelden Foundation and the author of "Broken," his best-selling memoirs, and "A New Day, A New Life." Please send your questions to William Moyers at wmoyers@hazelden.org. To find out more about William Moyers and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
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