Twenty years ago this month, I experienced my first Christmas in sobriety in what had been a long time. Granted a five-day leave of absence from the halfway house Fellowship Club — my home away from home after residential treatment — I met up with my family in Vermont for what we all hoped would be a joyous reunion. Instead, I recall the awkwardness of it all. To me, at least, it seemed as if everyone walked around on eggshells. "How are we supposed to act around a newly sober crack addict and alcoholic whose illness swept over us like a giant wave just a few months ago?" they seemed to ask themselves.
We did our best. There was no wine with the holiday ham and turkey. Conversations steered clear of what we all must have been thinking or feeling or wondering. Like an eager student striving to ace the course, I put forth a heroic effort to show and tell everyone how well I was doing. But inside, I felt alone and confused about how I fit among the pieces of the puzzle that were my new family dynamic. I couldn't wait to get back to the familiar, safe confines of the halfway house in St. Paul, Minn. I'm sure my departure was a relief to my family, too. They were pulling for me to stay sober, even though they weren't sure which way to pull or push or whether they should let go.
A lot of families will grapple with such challenges this holiday season.
Dear Mr. Moyers: The best gift I will give my family this Christmas is my sobriety. I spent way too many holidays, not just this one, either drunk or suffering the aftereffects, to the point that last year, they didn't want anything to do with me.
I was banished and drank alone in a hotel room on Christmas Day. And I didn't even care. So now I am sober; my husband and kids and the grandchildren are planning the big family gathering, and of course, I am invited this year! Yesterday my son called. He laughed when he told me, "Mom, you better behave." Later I was thinking about it. Maybe it's not so funny. I'm sure everyone is nervous. I am, too. What should I do? — Barbara L., Portland, Ore.
Dear Barbara: Gifts are not meant to be given or received in isolation, so I encourage you to celebrate your sobriety by openly talking about it with your family. Take the lead and get it out on the table first. Tell them you are grateful for what you have and for their support. If appropriate, go ahead and use the gathering to apologize for past harms your drinking caused them. Acknowledge that just because you cannot drink doesn't mean they can't during your time together. But you'll need to take care of yourself first. Alcoholism doesn't take a holiday. Sobriety can't, either. Stay connected to your support group, and attend a recovery meeting, if possible. Although nobody can do it for you, everyone can gain from your efforts this season. Your sobriety is the best gift you can give them.
Update: Earlier I wrote about the wisdom in a letter written in 1787 by George Washington that was up for sale. The letter sold last week at auction for $3,218,500, a record for a letter by America's first president. Insight may be invaluable, but it does indeed come with a steep price.
William Moyers is the vice president of foundation relations for the Hazelden Foundation and the author of "Broken," his best-selling memoirs, and "A New Day, A New Life." Please send your questions to William Moyers at wmoyers@hazelden.org. To find out more about William Moyers and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
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