Beyond Addiction

In 1989, I experienced my first Christmas in sobriety. Granted a five-day leave of absence from the halfway house Fellowship Club — my home away from home for four months after residential treatment — I met up with my family in Vermont for what we hoped would be a joyous reunion. Instead, I recall the awkwardness of it all. To me, at least, it seemed as if everyone walked on eggshells. "How are we supposed to act around a newly sober crack addict and alcoholic whose illness nearly drowned us all just a few months ago?" they seemed to ask themselves. And I wondered how I should act.

We did our best. There was no wine with the holiday ham and turkey. The eggnog wasn't spiked. Conversations steered clear of what we all must have been thinking or feeling or wondering. Like an eager student striving to ace the course in front of the class, I put forth a heroic effort to show and tell everyone I was on the rebound. But inside, I felt alone and confused about how I fit among the pieces of the puzzle that was my new family dynamic. I couldn't wait to get back to the familiar, safe confines of the halfway house in St. Paul, Minn. I'm sure my departure was a relief to my family, too. They were pulling for me to stay sober, even though they weren't sure which way to pull or push or whether they simply should let go.

This season, a lot of families grapple with this challenge. The holidays are the best of times and the toughest of times for people like us, especially for those who are celebrating for the first time clean and sober.

Here are some recommendations based on an informal straw poll of old-timers who once did their first holiday sober, too:

—Don't keep it a secret, and don't pretend. You're not the person you once were. Your family and friends know it. You know it. Tell them this isn't an easy time for you now that you don't drink or get high.

Acknowledge they probably feel the same way about you — uneasy and uncertain. Everyone feels better when nobody has to guess who is thinking what about whom or why.

—Make a plan. The holidays are all about plans, from gifts to meals to parties. Incorporate time to take care of yourself. This includes time each day to nurture your well-being. Meditation, exercise, rest, a recovery meeting or simple check-in time on the phone with sober friends all give you space between the pressures of the holidays and your own healthy needs.

—Designate yourself to be the driver. It is inevitable that some people will drink too much, and getting around is dangerous for everyone. So step up and offer to do the driving. Deputize yourself. You'll relish the role. And they'll be relieved and glad you're in control behind the wheel. You might even turn it into a few bucks. Charge them a "transportation" fee, and tell them you're a bargain compared with the cops and the courts.

—Be firm, gently. It's your recovery because it is your life. You know what to do to take care of yourself. Your priority is to stay healthy. Set firm boundaries. Say "no" if a "yes" would jeopardize your sobriety. But avoid bashing everyone with the dynamic of your new reality. Don't expect others to change their holiday spirit for you. Give them the benefit of the doubt if they don't meet your expectations. And cut yourself the same slack. It's going to take time to figure out this new normal now that you aren't the ghost of Christmas past.

—Stoke gratitude. Nothing ensconces our continued recovery more than a perspective grounded in where we are now compared with where we were on the last holiday under the influence. What a gift.

William Moyers is the vice president of public affairs and community relations for the Hazelden Foundation and the author of "Broken," his best-selling memoirs, and "A New Day, A New Life." Please send your questions to William Moyers at wmoyers@hazelden.org. To find out more about William Moyers and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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