Q: I have an almost 10-year-old stepdaughter who visits us on alternate weekends. She sleeps in the bed with my husband and refuses to sleep in her bed in her room. She throws tantrums if we tell her she has to start sleeping in her bed. We have set a separate bed next to ours, so that she is still close to us at night, but that doesn't convince her.
She wants to be in physical contact with her dad and also expects constant attention from him. Is this normal for a girl of this age? Is this appropriate for her mental health and psychosexual growth considering that she is pubescent? I would greatly appreciate your advice.
A: Sleeping with a parent is a rather common and unfortunate habit that is often initiated soon after a divorce. Children and parents find it reassuring, and thus begins a pattern that is unnatural and resented when the parent remarries. You've been most generous to offer your stepdaughter a bed in your own room. Even that is quite unnecessary for 10-year-olds. It is definitely not healthy for her emotional development to depend on sleeping with her dad during adolescence. The physical contact and the constant attentions she craves probably represents what she was accustomed to during the time that she had all her dad's attention right after the divorce and before her father had a partner.
The easiest way to break your stepdaughter's habit is for her to sleep with a sibling or family pet. When she visits, having a friend sleep overnight can also help her learn to sleep independently and feel like she's growing up. You may not have any of those choices, in which case her dad should simply insist that she sleep alone.
It would be important for her dad, and not you, to convey that important message, lest you be labeled as "the wicked stepmother." He can reassure her of his love and emphasize that the change is necessary in light of her new maturity.
To help her get started, he could sit with her a little while before bedtime. A night light and quiet music could also be calming. To make it clear that you and your husband really mean that she can't sleep in your room, you may need to lock your door. It is possible that she will accept this new step in maturity graciously, but it's also possible that on the first night she will scream loudly and even fall asleep outside your door. By the second night, she'll understand that you won't be opening your door. If you're worried that she might hurt herself, you can open the door to comfort her for a few minutes, but be sure not to allow her in your bed again, or the problem will continue. After she's learned the habit of sleeping independently, you can always make occasional exceptions for thunderstorms or scary dreams.
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Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
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