Sylvia Rimm on Raising Kids by Dr. Sylvia Rimm

Q: What are your recommendations for teaching kids resilience and secondarily coping skills for when they're emotionally overwhelmed?

A: You've asked a huge question in a brief sentence. Many books have been written to answer just this question, so answering it briefly is a challenge that feels a bit overwhelming. I'll try to simplify my answer, and I hope it will be helpful.

There are many kinds of resilience e.g. academic, emotional, social, musical and many more, and there are also times in life when children "hit walls". Examples of academic walls might be a writing or science project where a child can't get started, a math class that seems impossible to master, a new level at school (kindergarten, middle school, high school or college) that seems unbelievably complex or feels very competitive.

Social walls include going to a camp or new school where a child might feel lonely, going to a party where the social norms are entirely different or being bullied, feeling rejected and completely isolated from others.

Emotional walls could include the loss of parents or siblings due to illness or death, sexual abuse by an adult or feeling entirely alone with secret information about someone or something that's illegal or dangerous.

An example of a musical wall is quite common and easy for parents to observe. Children take music lessons and find it easy at first. The music becomes more complex and children suddenly want to quit. They complain of boredom or not liking the instrument rather than admit they fear they aren't good enough at music. Sometimes children repeat this pattern over and over again with new instruments or teachers.

While I've categorized these "walls" separately, and there could easily be dozens of specific categories like sports, art, learning to ride a bicycle, etc. All of these walls are actually emotional walls and both children and adults cope with such walls throughout life. A first response is paralysis. Children feel totally frozen or stuck and unable to move forward. Every adult will remember an experience from their childhood when this happened to them. For some children, they may never again approach the problem and they get into a habit of avoiding most challenges. Academically, that's called underachievement. Emotionally, it's called avoidance reaction. There's actually a pattern for coping with all walls, and I'll provide this in eight steps.

Step 1.

Take a deep breath. The deep breath is mostly symbolic. It could mean getting a good night's sleep and thinking about it in the morning or taking a week hiatus from an activity. It definitely does not mean procrastinate for weeks.

Step 2. Ask yourself what are the worst and best things that can happen if you go ahead with your project.

Step 3. Break your project up into small parts so you can do one part at a time, or for larger emotional events, live one day at a time.

Step 4. Creatively brainstorm ideas for each part of your project, and don't hesitate to ask others for help and suggestions. Borrow ideas without self-criticism. Evaluate, combine and play with your ideas.

Step 5. Remind yourself you don't have to be the best, but believe that you're capable of applying yourself to the task at hand.

Step 6. Allow yourself to work or practice hard, and do many drafts of whatever you're accomplishing. Don't be too hard on yourself as you correct mistakes and make changes.

Step.7. Permit yourself to stop and feel finished with your hard work.

Step 8. Reward yourself for a job well done by telling yourself you've worked hard, done your best and now it's time to relax and have some fun.

Because I've tried to generalize these steps to apply to many things, you could easily find some "walls" to which these steps won't apply, and you might have to look elsewhere for your answer.

It's also possible for children and adults to hit "walls" that, despite effort and positive approaches, they may not be able to overcome. After valiant efforts, there's nothing wrong with children saying, "I guess I'll never be a good basketball player, artist, etc. I'll have to choose tennis or music." It's the habit of avoiding things when they become difficult that we'd like to help children discontinue, and that's what we call teaching children to be resilient. Hopefully learning not to quit easily will generalize to being resilient in life.

For a free newsletter about underachievement, social skills, raising girls for optimism and resilience or raising amazing boys, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the address below. Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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