Sylvia Rimm on Raising Kids by Dr. Sylvia Rimm

Q: I just googled "How do I teach my 7-year-old boy to be more assertive" and got your newsletter. I have a 7-year-old son who has always been on the "shy side." He is the type of boy who is totally into playing with Legos and really doesn't like to be around a lot of children.

With that said, he has developed very good friendships with a few boys in our neighborhood and loves to play with them. He just started second grade and has several of the same kids in his class as last year. He reports loving school and his new teacher.

My concern is that at recess he plays completely by himself. Yesterday, he was playing with a basketball (alone), and another "friend" came along and wrestled the basketball out of his hands. At first, my son thought he wanted to play with him, but he just took the ball away from him and left. My son proceeded to just walk around by himself for the rest of recess.

He doesn't appear to be unhappy, and he plays well with the kids in the neighborhood, although I know he tries hard to please them by allowing them to choose the games and rules.

My son is sweet and non-aggressive ... but how do I ensure he doesn't allow kids to "step all over him" or become a recluse? Any advice you can lend on this matter would be much appreciated.

A: Your son has a much better prognosis than the boy who grabbed the ball from him, although at the second-grade level, many children need to learn social skills. Getting your son involved in sports, scouts or group interests will help him to navigate that assertiveness-aggressiveness continuum.

Sport teams are particularly good for teaching how to lead and collaborate with others, and Boy Scouts specialize in teaching kids leadership skills.

It's actually good for kids to be comfortable playing alone some of the time, but a lonely recess is sad for your son.

His learning to say, "Let's play basketball," or, "I want to join, too," are helpful. You or his dad can toss basketballs or pitch balls to him to help build his playground confidence, as well.

In your letter, you reference your son as "on the shy side." There is a genetic component to shyness, but half of shy young children seem to get over their apparent shyness as they mature. It's helpful not to refer to him as shy within his hearing, or he's likely to consider that his persona and to believe he can't change. Instead, comment on his good social skills within his hearing when you notice him sharing or being more outgoing. Referential talk about a child can shape his behavior positively.

Group activities and maturity may help him overcome his social awkwardness, but if he continues to have problems, consider a psychological evaluation. Schools or classes may offer social skills group opportunities, and your son could benefit from a group counseling experience.

For free newsletters about social skills, sports, or healthy competition, or about the book “How to Parent so Children will Learn” (Great Potential Press, 2008), send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the address below.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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