Q: I'm trying to take your advice about encouraging my daughters so we can be a "whole, smart family," but it's not working. My 6-year-old daughter's very good at art, for example, and my 5-year-old's fixated on trying to be as good. No matter how often we explain to her that she's a year younger than her sister, our 5-year-old continues to compare herself in everything and inevitably, finds that her work/art/ability isn't as good. She's not at all comforted by the explanation that her work is good for a 5-year-old. I'm, therefore, tempted to help her find something that only she's good at because I can see her confidence sinking but you dissuade us from setting up "territories."

At the same time, I want my eldest daughter to know that she's artistically clever and feel her talent is special, to encourage her. It's hard to do this when my 5-year-old is around, as she deflates at any compliment given to my 6-year-old. My 6-year-old's also inclined to "rub it in" when she does well and patronize my 5-year-old with false compliments when she tries to participate in that same activity.

My daughters are very close playmates, spend all their time together, love all the same things, and even want to dress the same. However, the difference in their abilities is obvious for all to see, as my 6-year-old's artwork is frequently commented upon. It makes it impossible when my 5-year-old tries to accomplish things to the same standard. I've yet to see anything that she, as an individual, is interested in, as she's so focused on doing all the things her sister does. She's also very perceptive and knows an artificial compliment when she hears one, and I, therefore, hate to patronize her by giving her one. She's certainly achieving things at a good level for her age, but unless she's as good as her sister, it's not enough for her.

How do I make my eldest feel special and enjoy her abilities whilst helping my youngest to discover and feel good about hers? I'm so worried my daughters won't like one another as they grow up and that my youngest is at great risk of being an underachiever and having no confidence. She gives up easily and sometimes won't even participate in activities she knows my eldest is more accomplished in. She's also physically small for her age, which impacts on her keeping up in physical activities, too.

We would so appreciate any suggestions you could make. Thank you.

A: Two girls close in age are typically very competitive. They're often also close friends, which is even more important. Your daughters' relationship sounds quite normal and healthy.

Your greatest problem may be overpraising your eldest daughter and your wish to make each of your daughters feel very special. Although you can certainly tell your children they're very special to you and their dad, emphasizing how special their talents are sets them up for too high expectations and pressures. More moderate and specific praise is much more effective and will help both girls. Saying you like your daughter's picture, or a special part of it, is probably quite sufficient in making her feel reasonably talented. It's rare, indeed, to know that a 6-year-old is extraordinarily talented. If she enjoys her art, that would be enough to keep her motivated. While the high praise may seem to motivate her now, it's what I refer to as "est" or superlative praise. Children who hear they're special, spectacular and best, run into serious trouble when they find other children in school who are as or more talented than they are. They shut down, just as your younger daughter does.

As to your younger daughter, she'll also benefit by hearing your more moderate praise of her sister. You can tell them both that no matter how good they are at art or anything else, they'll find those who are both better and worse. It's more important that they enjoy their art and do the best job they can. As you know, we have many starving artists in our world, so it's better to encourage the talent without targeting it as extraordinary anyway.

It's nice that your younger daughter sees her sister as a role model. You can explain that she'll probably love to do some things her sister enjoys, but as they both mature, they'll probably like to do some of the same things but also some different things. It will be important for your daughters to explore their own interests and talents. Be sure not to feel too sorry for the younger child because she may be exploiting your frustration to get your "feel sorry" attention.

In summary, extreme praise of very young children can lock them in to feeling that you have too high expectations for them. Think of childhood as a wonderful time for learning and exploring many skills and interests. Some praise is good, but too much praise is typically too much of a good thing.

For free newsletters about the pressures bright children feel, you're the greatest - when praise can cause problems and/or gifted and talented artists and musicians, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope for each newsletter to the address below. Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or [email protected]. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.