Q: My wife and I are divorced, and I'm a "very" senior citizen who knows that my life won't continue too many more years. I have three adult daughters, and the younger two are close to each other. They live in the same city near me, and we actually spend a fair amount of time together. My oldest daughter lives farther away, and the two younger ones want little to do with her, even when she wants to visit. When they were children, the oldest sister often baby-sat and helped with the younger ones, and they all seemed to love each other.

Since my daughters are all adults and have families, I feel like I can't make the younger two have a relationship with their sister, but I do feel bad that she's left out of the family. Can I do anything to improve my daughters' relationships at this time in my life?

A: Although most typical childhood sibling rivalries resolve themselves, there are always a few relationships that actually worsen in adulthood. Sometimes that's related to spouses who divorce, to jealousy about children's accomplishments, to geographic distance, or even different religious directions that siblings choose. You probably can't resolve any of those problems. There are two important things you could do to possibly mend relationships and keep your family together. First, you might state very clearly to all three of your daughters that you're disappointed in their not having a close relationship. Parents should give a clear message to children of all ages that they do indeed have choices about friends, but they shouldn't choose whether to love family members. Family members need to support each other regardless of differences or petty arguments.

You could write a note to each child — because sometimes it's hard to say such things in person. Your note could say, "I'll be leaving you in the not too distant future, and I want you to know that both your mother and I would wish very much that all three of you will stay close and be supportive of each other. We would hope that your children will also learn to love their cousins and that you'll always feel like a good family." If you don't say that specifically to your daughters, they may assume you've accepted and even agree with the two daughters' rejection of your third daughter.

Another event you could encourage to cement family relationships is a once-a-year family get-together with all three of your daughters and their families. If you can afford to sponsor a vacation together, that would be exceptional fun for everyone and especially, for the young cousins growing up. If you can't manage that, a family party at one of your daughter's homes on a rotating basis would be effective. Since your out-of-town daughter would need to come in for at least several days, perhaps she and her family could stay either with one of her sisters or with you. The more fun your adult daughters and their children have together, the more they will feel like "family."

For a free newsletter about sibling rivalry and/or aunts, uncles and cousins, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope for each newsletter to the address below. Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or [email protected]. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.