Q: Why do I have to ride my daughter to remember everything — morning routines (remembering socks), turning off lights, doing "that thing" I just told her to do? How do we parent a "scatterbrained" third-grade child?
A: Part of the definition of children is that they haven't yet learned to be totally organized or responsible. Most parents have to do some reminding. On the other hand, too much reminding becomes nagging and leads to irresponsibility. Sometimes that happens in families where one child is very responsible and seldom needs reminders, while a sibling learns to get parental attention by constant reminders. Other times it happens because parents haven't followed through and children also haven't learned to follow through.
To begin, be sure not to call your daughter "scatterbrained" even if she appears that way. If that becomes her label, she'll assume that's the way she is and that she can't change. Thus, she's unlikely to be motivated to try to change.
Developing checklists for morning and bedtime routines works well. Morning routines start children with learning to use their own alarm clocks. You can expect them to accomplish their checklist without your reminders. You can use a kitchen timer to help them speed up each step on their checklist without daydreaming. Be sure to leave the best activities on the checklist until last for ideal motivation. For example, you can join your daughter for breakfast after she's completed everything on her checklist and is dressed and ready for school.
If she's completed all the tasks on her morning checklist and is ready for the bus early, she could even watch some TV before school.
Quiet praise for her new efficiency will help change her persona to a responsible and organized one. The bedtime routines can end with a bedtime healthy snack or reading time before going to bed. Many parents have assured me that my routines have changed their mornings and bedtimes into more pleasant times. I call these anti-nag routines — they're in my book, "How to Parent so Children will Learn" (Great Potential Press, 2008).
As to the reminders, sticky notes on light switches will help the whole family conserve electricity. Your daughter can design her own so the whole family can remember. She could also creatively plan some other reminders for herself and others. You can see that her creative involvement may encourage her to feel more responsible and positive about herself.
Your daughter is also watching her parents. If one of you is organized and the other is disorganized, she may be modeling her behavior after the disorganized parent. A little compromise between parents on organizing themselves can also help your daughter avoid learning passive aggressive patterns of disorganization. Remember, parents are a team, so you have to work together.
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Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
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