Q: How do I gently and effectively "dethrone" a 3-year-old who is the youngest child in the family? My daughter openly asks me if she is my "special-est," "most loved" child. I continually tell her that I love all my children equally, but she doesn't want to hear that. She is well behaved and respectful at school and home — so far — but very accustomed to being the center of attention.
A: Most children enjoy attention and, in their little souls, would like to be their parents' most special child. The praise words you use when you talk to her, or your talk about her to other adults that she overhears, help to shape her persona. You can gently change her need for too much attention with your more moderate words. Three-year-olds are generally relatively easy to shift away from attention addiction, although obviously all children continue to enjoy reasonable attention.
Definitely don't refer to your daughter as a princess or queen, even in jest. Instead, talk about her being a "good sharer" and how kind and considerate to others she is. Mention how independent she's getting to be and certainly take notice of her being a hard worker and persevering. Remind her how much her siblings love her and how they share attention with her. If she wants you to praise everything she does, tell her she can do her drawings, paintings or dancing until the timer goes off, and then you will look at her work or watch her show.
To help her understand that there are "tied" places in love, you can ask her if she loves you. She'll obviously say yes.
Then ask her if she loves her daddy. Again she'll say yes. Next say, "I won't ask you to choose who or which one of us you love best because I understand you can love us both the same. If you can love both of us the same, then Mommy and Daddy can also love you and your sister and brother the same."
As your daughter matures, find positive ways for her to get attention such as playing musical instruments, dancing, playing a sport, helping you around the house or yard and/or helping others and being responsible. As she achieves appropriate attention and matures, she will be less demanding of your one-on-one attention.
Be sure to spend a little time alone with your daughter almost every day. Bedtime stories or chats are often good ways for her to enjoy your full attention. Most children become very chatty at bedtime because they'd rather stay up later to be with their parents longer. As she gets older, you or her dad can arrange a biweekly "date" with each of your children. Most children enjoy having one-on-one attention, at least for a short term, with each parent.
For a free newsletter about "How to Parent So Children Will Learn" (Great Potential Press, 2008) or "Raising Preschoolers" (Three Rivers Press, 1997), send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the address below. Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
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