Q: I read your column and have a question about what some of my friends are going through. I'm OK with checking a teenager's Internet activity if there's suspicion, but most kids aren't doing anything wrong. We get so many messages at school and on TV about being careful who we friend on Facebook or chat with that I think most of us are pretty aware of the danger.

I'm not saying that parents shouldn't check up on their teenager's activity, but at least be up front about it. If parents are going to monitor what their kids look at, then tell them before they get a computer, rather than sneaking around and grabbing their laptop while they're asleep to check their browsing history. An alternative might be to talk about what's going on in their kids' lives. Most of my friends' parents ask for open communication, but instead of asking about what my friends are looking at or doing online, their parents take their laptops at night to check up. It would be more honest and open if they just asked. Another way is for parents to have their own Facebook account and friend their teen. Then parents can see what their children post and who their friends are.

My parents gave me a laptop with the agreement that they would check up on my online usage. They installed a monitoring software program with a PIN so they can have secure monitoring. I know I'm not doing anything inappropriate, so it doesn't bother me if they have this program. I just wish my friends' parents were as up front about watching them as my parents are.

A: It's good to hear from a trusted teenager who's open to parent sharing. There are good reasons for parents to check teens' email or Facebook, even if they can be trusted.

A parent might find someone who is bullying their teen and the teen could be struggling with it without sharing the problem. Internet predators are real and while your friends may be careful, some teens are vulnerable and get caught. I've worked in my clinic with some who were. Also, if teens change the screen the moment a parent walks into the room, it's possible that the "secret screen" holds something more than innocent communication. A quick check with a computer program such as eBlaster can remove all fears or document serious problems. If there's only innocent chatter, parents don't need to worry. However, if that checking reveals problems, it's time to discuss them openly.

Parents should be concerned if teens lie about their age, give private information or communicate about alcohol, drugs or promiscuous sex. That's called parental responsibility and definitely not "snooping."

While I agree parents should ask their teen about their activities or problems first, whether or not they trust their teenager, they have a serious responsibility to discover if there are problems and set clear boundaries. Responsible parents may not win popularity contests, but when successful teens move into adulthood, they typically thank parents for having set boundaries.

I agree with you that parents shouldn't have to sneak around to see what's on their teen's Facebook site. If parents explain from the beginning to teens that they'll be checking occasionally, both parents and kids can be more comfortable about being Internet friends. It's natural for kids to want some privacy, so parents shouldn't bother to check daily. A once in a while Facebook friendship should be enough to safeguard most teens.

For a free newsletter about "Growing Up Too Fast" (Rodale, 2005) — Teens and/or Middle Schoolers and/or guidelines for Internet use, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope for each newsletter to the address below. Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or [email protected]. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.