Q: My adult, married daughter has three children, two boys, ages 10 and 6, and a girl, age 5. She seems to favor the younger two children more than the older boy. When we are around, the younger two are always praised, while the older one is hardly ever praised or encouraged. They are all smart and do well in school. How do I talk with my daughter about her favoritism, as I feel my grandson is suffering somewhat because of it? I am sure she would not mean to hurt his feelings.

A: Parents can play favorites without realizing it, but your bringing it to their attention can be difficult. If your daughter is usually open to your suggestions, you might consider talking to her or even emailing her if that's easier. You could say something like this (I will use the name John for her older boy, though I know it is not his real name): "You know that I think you are a wonderful parent and love all your children. Nevertheless, I cannot help but notice that the younger two children seem to get more of your positive attention. Although younger children often need more parent attention, I think that John feels a little neglected and could use more attention or positive notice from you. Sometimes he just seems sad when you are doing things with the little ones. Of course, I could be wrong, but maybe it would be good for you and your husband to talk this over to be sure that John gets a little extra attention from either you or him, just in case he feels left out."

Let me assure you that it is not unusual to find that adult children are not particularly interested in hearing parenting advice from their own parents. They appropriately feel they should develop their own parenting style and may even consider that whatever their parents did or advise is outdated.

Some foundational principles continue through time, although other things change from generation to generation. Sibling rivalry issues are continuous. If that is the case in your family, there may be nothing you can say or do to get your daughter to give John more attention. Nevertheless, if you communicate your concern, your daughter may become more sensitive to whether or not she is giving John a fair amount of attention.

Another alternative, whether or not your daughter changes her behavior, is for you to take some special time to be with the kids. When you visit, giving John some one-on-one time first would make him feel special. Also, if you take the younger kids once in a while, this would leave him alone with his parents so he can spend special time with them. I am assuming, of course, that you live near enough to your grandchildren to spend some of your free time with them.

For a free newsletter about sibling rivalry and/or do's and don'ts of grandparents, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope for each newsletter to the address below. Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or [email protected]. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.