Q: How do you have a united parent front when one parent always defers responsibility to the other parent and will not invest time in parenting?
A: When parents aren't united, it causes great problems for children. For example, if one is very firm and the other doesn't support the strict parent, it teaches children to find the easy way out. Furthermore, since both parents believe they are correct, the strict or firm parent often becomes stricter, the lenient parent becomes more protective, and the parents become further apart in their parenting approach. The effect on children is that they often feel they can never please one parent, but on the other hand, the other parent, who is always delighted with all they do, doesn't set very high standards.
I refer to rituals that sometimes take place in families as "ogre and dummy games," and I describe them in my books, "How to Parent So Children Will Learn" and "Why Bright Kids Get Poor Grades" (Great Potential Press, 2008). These dysfunctional rituals typically foster underachievement and even behavior problems. I ask parents to compromise, support each other and set expectations with a reasonably united voice. Your question is slightly different and is both easier and more difficult to answer than one that refers only to being united.
In many homes, one parent takes on more of the parenting responsibilities than the other — more typically the mother does, but in some families where the mother is the main breadwinner, the father actually does more of the parenting. Even when both parents work outside the home, one parent may do more than the other. In order to avoid permitting the children to manipulate between parents in very busy households, I usually suggest that the parents divide responsibilities. This lets their children know which parent they can ask about particular requests.
For example, one parent may be designated to be the one to give permission if a child wants to go to a friend's home; another parent may be the one to ask about homework expectations or exceptions, etc.
The compartmentalization of responsibilities actually helps clarify who is in charge of what for kids and helps to keep parents united. It might help to get your partner to become engaged in parenting by working out what he'd like to be in charge of. If he doesn't want to become involved in the parenting at all, he'll probably regret that greatly and, of course, your children will suffer a loss. Both mothers and fathers are important to children.
Many times one parent, usually the dad, simply doesn't feel confident in his skill at being a parent. Perhaps your husband didn't feel as if he was parented well and is afraid to make a mistake, or perhaps you've corrected his parenting so many times that he's sure he can't parent correctly. I don't mean to blame your partner's noninvolvement on you because I don't really know the reason he's not willing to invest time.
If you can determine why he isn't involved, maybe you can tempt him to do the parts of parenting he feels most comfortable with to whet his appetite. Once he senses how much he means to his children, he'll expand his involvement. Either way, some involvement is better than no involvement and much better than being unsupportive to your parenting.
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Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
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