Sylvia Rimm on Raising Kids by Dr. Sylvia Rimm

Q: How do you teach a child work ethic and organizational skills? We have a 12-year-old, gifted child who cannot remember to make his bed in the morning. Also, how do we prevent our kids from getting mixed up with the wrong crowd?

A: Let's begin with your 12-year-old, gifted child's memory problem. I expect you realize that it's not truly a memory problem. First, you'll need to decide how important it is to you for your son to make his bed. If you're determined to have him make the bed, you can simply give him a consequence each time he doesn't. For example, you can say that he can't have access to TV or video games on days when his bed is unmade. If you follow through, and if he cares about the consequence, it will surely restore his memory. If it isn't a high priority, you can also choose to forget about the unmade bed and both of you could be happier.

Somewhat connected to the making of the bed is your question of how you develop a work ethic in your child. When your son works hard, be sure to label him a hard worker and praise him for his perseverance and determination. Work projects partnered with either parent in a one-on-one effort are great for teaching children to persevere, and working can instill positive pride and self-confidence. If you can add some fun and humor to the hard work, your son will actually learn to enjoy it. You and your partner describing your own work positively will also encourage your son to value work.

Teaching organizational skills involves a similar technique to teaching a work ethic. Partnering with your son until he learns to organize himself will teach him strategies, and watching you overtly explain your own skills will provide a role model for doing them. Here's the hitch. If your partner is disorganized and doesn't tune into organizing himself, your son will no doubt follow his dad's model. Also, if you're constantly trying to organize your partner and he resists your efforts, your son will learn that resistant pattern.

Last, but not least, is your answer to preventing your son from joining a negative peer group. You can have a great impact on your son's friendships right now but much less as he gets older.

Your early influence may well carry over through his teen years, but I can't assure you of that. This is the time to remind your son that he needs to choose friends who have good values and who aren't behavior problems. He'll need to be independent enough to leave a group of kids when they're doing something inappropriate such as bullying others or being disrespectful. It's even better if the message comes from both you and your partner.

For a free newsletter about organizational skills, parents as role models and peer influence, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the address below.

Q: My son is in high school (9th grade). How do I keep the humility and kindness in him? He is meeting many kinds of people with different ideals. How do I keep this balance? He's trying to fit in and has made so many friends this year. He is happy! I am concerned his good qualities won't be nurtured in high school.

A: Obviously, peers do influence high school students, and you can expect your son to change with maturity. However, if humility and kindness are already part of his persona, they may continue to be there as he matures. Some activities that encourage these qualities include: involvement in religious youth groups, participating in projects that help others and volunteering to coach or teach younger children.

As he selects activities where he can help others, he's likely to cultivate friends who share his values. Thus, he can surround himself with peers who exert a positive peer pressure on him, and he can continue to be the kind and humble young man he's been and even elevate those characteristics to a higher level. Congratulations on prioritizing these fine qualities in your son!

For a free newsletter about how "Parents Make A Difference", peer influence or "Growing Up Too Fast" (Rodale, 2005) in high school, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the address below. Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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