Q: My intention was to relocate to the East Coast to live near my son and grandchildren, but I've halted my plans! Fortunately, I have a career.

My two-week visit was wonderful. It was my first extended visit in two years, and I was generously welcomed! We had a lovely visit with a couple of minor disagreements. I made a concerted effort to clear matters as soon as possible. Essentially, every decision must go through my son's girlfriend. It's the nature of their relationship. I love his girlfriend of eight years, but her controlling behavior can be difficult.

Here's the dilemma. His girlfriend did not respond to any of my communications — phone calls, thank you text, thank you voice message or thank you card for the visit. It's been six months. She only communicates through my son. I even talk with the grandchildren through my son.

I see this as a clear message from my son's girlfriend not to relocate to the East Coast, although my son insists I'm welcome. I love my son and grandchildren, and naturally, as a single grandparent I want to live near them.

Unfortunately, the behavior of not responding is consistent with her behavior of the last eight years, possibly encouraged by her mother with whom she talks to daily. I'm at mid-life and considering a 3,000 mile move, but I feel unwelcomed by my son's girlfriend. It's devastating and feels as if she is trying to annihilate me! Please advise. — Grateful for Your Feedback

A: Dear Grateful for Your Feedback,

You've answered your own question very well. There's no reason for you to pack up and leave your home to move near your son and his girlfriend. You have a career, and no doubt, you also have friends and a community. No response from your son's girlfriend is a likely interpretation that she might prefer you not to come. Testing that further by asking her the specific question may yield a masked answer and could cause trouble for your son and his partner. In a relationship, it's normal for each of the partners to check with each other on major decisions and this is surely a major decision. It should not be considered controlling.

Just because I don't advise making a move to the East Coast now, doesn't mean that this won't be potentially possible in the future. Considering that your visit went quite well, I would suggest planning other regular visits. Holidays are particularly nice for having family together. Let's hope you'll be able to develop your relationship with your son's family and stay close to the grandchildren. You could offer to baby-sit for the grandchildren, so that your son and his partner could take a weekend vacation. You can also invite them to visit you or plan a vacation together. If you have a few positive experiences as a family, you may be able to gradually break down the barriers and achieve a close family relationship.

Please be sure not to label your potential daughter-in-law as controlling, either directly or indirectly, or you may forever damage both their relationship and yours to them.

There's no urgency in your making the move to the East Coast yet, but in the future, as you become closer to your son's partner and your grandchildren, the move could become the best choice for you.

For a free newsletter about grandparenting do's and don'ts, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the address below. Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or [email protected]. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.