Q: I have an underachieving son in respect to his motivation. He still receives As and Bs, but he's lazy. How can I get him to achieve excellence without becoming a perfectionist?
A: You've not given me enough information to confirm your son's laziness, but you may be incorrect. Students who receive A and B grades, although they may be capable of all A's, could truly have their act together. They may be seeking more balance by being involved in extracurricular activities. Perhaps they're even seeking excellence in their favorite areas, but only doing the minimum in subjects they find less interesting. They're certainly at least being responsible or they wouldn't be getting Bs. So while it's possible your son isn't achieving to his abilities in all subjects, he may be doing something better. His B grades will probably limit entrance into some universities, but every smart student doesn't have to go to Harvard or Yale.
While it's possible that you're expecting too much or putting perfectionistic pressure on your son, it's also possible that he is lazy and underachieving by doing only the minimum of work. You can help your son most by not reminding him of how smart he is, but by merely expecting him to be responsible and a hard worker. You and his other parent can do work projects around the house with him, enjoy work together and value his contribution as a worker.
You and his other parent can also model an interest in and a love of learning by sharing and engaging in whatever you find interesting in life. Reading books together, discussing news information, visiting museums, traveling intelligently and learning are all ways you can engage your son in learning.
Telling your son about your interesting careers and explaining what is involved in arriving at a fulfilling career can entice him to get the grades he needs to work in his interest area for the rest of his life.
In our clinic, I often share statements with adolescents like: "If you're willing to work hard now, you're likely to have an interesting and creative career for your entire life, as well as to make a better living. If you're insistent on only goofing off and being social now, you'll have fun, but you may be stuck in a boring, low-paying job for the rest of your life. It's a trade-off!" or "the smarter you are, the harder you'll work, and the harder you work, the smarter you'll become." I don't want to push your son beyond reasonable balance, but if you truly see little effort, these comments could help. Also, while you're inspiring your son to more effort, be sure not to label him as lazy (or he'll assume he is and think he can't do anything about it). And definitely lead your family with the balance of hard work, fun, games and laughter, so he knows that all the hard work is worth it.
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Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
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