Q: I'm concerned about my 2-year-old grandson who seems very needy and demanding. He cries for at least an hour after his mom leaves. Occasionally, distraction works but not often. He says, "It's mine" over and over about everything in his apartment, even if it's someone else's. Also, if he doesn't get what he wants, he screams and cries to get it and won't stop unless something else catches his attention. He seems to love my granddaughter, his cousin, but doesn't like to share. He will make a show of giving her something and saying, "I nice!" He continues to say, "I nice" until everyone has noticed he let her have something. Then, he'll take something of hers and say, "Mine" over and over and cry when we make him give it back.
I'm also very concerned about his diet. He still breastfeeds, which wouldn't normally bother me, but every time he sees his mom, he demands "nanas" (breastfeeding). He cries and screams until momma says, "You won't get 'nanas' until you stop crying and screaming." It takes coaxing on her side to get him to hear her demand through his tantrum. He also seems to eat only junk food. It's freezer warm-ups like corndogs, burritos and a pasta dish with chicken. He'll eat like there's no tomorrow when it's junk food, but if it's healthy food, he eats very little.
My daughter and I have a distant relationship. She looks down her nose at me a lot, and I honestly feel she hates me. That said, how do I handle my worries for her son? Also, I don't see them often because they live five hours away.
A: Given your difficult relationship with your daughter, your grandson may act at his worst when you're there. Your daughter may be fearful of disciplining him too much while you're watching and he may, thus, be crying more.
Although I prefer calling two-year-olds "terrific," the more common name among parents is the "terrible twos." Possessive "mines" are quite common at this age and are better being ignored. At least he understands that he's supposed to share and as he becomes more verbal, let's hope he'll do that better.
As to his diet, as you point out, the nursing isn't an issue and some doctors encourage two years of nursing. The screaming may indeed be worse with you as his audience. The junk food is obviously bad, and hopefully, your daughter will encourage a more nutritious diet with all the public efforts being made to encourage awareness. For sure, you can't do anything about it on your occasional visits, so the best thing to do is stop worrying.
When you visit, do nice things with your grandson such as play games, draw, color or take him for walks. Notice the good parenting approaches your daughter has, how much she loves her son and how hard she's working to keep parenting and work in balance. Perhaps if you can give her permission to be the parent and identify with her struggle, your relationship with her can improve and that can help with your grandson as well. I'm not saying this role is easy, but in light of your distance and your relationship, it's your absolute only alternative.
For a free newsletter about do's and don'ts of grandparenting, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the address below. Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
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