DEAR SUSAN: Since my divorce 16 years ago, most of the women I've dated won't see me again if I don't try to have sex with them. I don't see how having sex with multiple partners can evolve into a monogamous relationship, because you've already abused one of the most basic ingredients of a relationship, fidelity. — From the "Single File" blog
DEAR BLOGGER: Monogamy requires control of one's impulses, strong respect for one's partner, and — gasp — emotional maturity. Willingness to wrestle sexual temptation to the mat is probably the truest test of one's character. And don't kid yourself; erotic hints are everywhere, beckoning with curved fingers to be naughty. Maybe that's the clue to infidelity: adolescent defiance of the rules.
And what about sexually transmitted disease? Who can say who is afflicted? A brief encounter doesn't give enough time to get to know a partner's sexual history, to say nothing about getting to know the bedmate who's sharing your body! Think of it: A lifestyle of several such episodes must, by its numbers, ratchet up the odds of acquiring or transmitting one.
Yet sexual plurality goes on, defiant and dangerous — and without meaning; it certainly isn't in the name of sexual freedom, not by a long shot! When sexual freedoms were first declared — and badly misunderstood — readers told me they felt confused, pressured to have sex they didn't want. Their letters inspired the Sexual Bill of Rights. (Ask me for your own copy, on parchment.) Don't get me wrong; monogamy isn't exactly a slam-dunk, not in this greener-grass society in which the other fellow's sex life always seems a tad sexier than your own. Which brings us back to emotional maturity. Ah, those mischievous impulses, those sexy Victoria's Secret images. What to do? If your relationship is good, stay with it. Fan the flames. Enjoy the heat — and the afterglow.
DEAR SUSAN: Another bit of wisdom from dear old Dad.
There is no such thing as a sole soul mate for each one of us. Seriously, can you even imagine a deity or a fate — or even a blind chance — that would allow such a thing? What if your "soul mate" was born and died hundreds of years ago? What if your "soul mate" is on the other side of the world and you have no chance of meeting? What a cruel joke on the human race that would be! I was taught by Dad that there are many people one will meet over the course of one's lifetime with whom one could forge a realistically happy lifelong partnership. This inevitably leads to the profound wisdom that a happy marriage/significant otherhood isn't about finding the right person, but rather being the right person. Seeing as you're encouraging folks to dream, Susan, why not encourage them to dream achievably — dating many different "types," consciously acquiring relationship skills, etc. — rather than simply long for a Mr./Ms. Right to show up out of the blue and magically fulfill perfectly every passing fancy of their own (presumably perfect) selves?! — From the "Single File" blog
DEAR BLOGGER: Your words ring true because they are born from experience — presumably from dear old Dad's life lore. (His son also has a pretty good head on his shoulders, having had the good sense to recognize and absorb wisdom passed down from generation to generation. I hope you'll do the same with your progeny.) I myself still treasure the truths passed along to me from my parents, and although the world has changed a bit (!), the fundamentals remain rock-solid. I agree that there isn't one soul mate out there for each of us, but I do believe there is a TYPE of person that attracts each of us. And that type may change as we change and grow. And the type deals with more things than the outer packaging. In my book, I ask readers to make two lists, the "musts" — qualities they absolutely MUST have in a soul mate (perhaps religion or race) — and a second list they're more flexible about (hair color, height, etc.). It's amazing how those two lists can clear one's head! But you've given us new ways to think and feel about ourselves, love and the world out there. It's all good.
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