DEAR SUSAN: At 30, I have two children, 5 and 11. My wife died five years ago, and between working and parenting, I have precious little time to meet a nice woman. I'm quiet around people I don't know well, and my friends are all married, so I don't have anyone to go out with. How will I meet that special someone? — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: If you agree that the best way to meet someone special is natural and uncontrived, I suggest becoming an activist in the lives of your beloved children. At their religious school, join a committee and (at your own pace) get to know the other parents, who also take an active role in their children's religious training. At some point, you may decide to host an informal tea at your home (with your children as semi-hosts) for the committee and the teacher. This can deepen the connection between you and the other parents. And as you get to know them, your unmarried status will undoubtedly inspire conversation about (and phone numbers of) their single female friends. A really worthy way to be set up for blind dates, no? After a while, you may enjoy this "meeting" technique in other parts of your children's lives. Your children will be proud of the interest their father shows in their lives and the balanced, wholesome life he has created for himself and for the whole family. The biggest plus? None of this socializing — while giving you a balanced, healthy social life — has taken you away from them for more than a few hours. All of it has been wholesome, within their understanding and rooted in the routine that has become familiar to them. Godspeed.

DEAR SUSAN: My marriage crumbled, and I'd like to give some thoughts about that august institution. First, I find it ironic that gays are gaining the right to marry just as the legal love structure is imploding. Also, most human institutionalizing involves money and power; marriage is certainly one way men started subjugating women. I have no idea where domination is headed now, with genders and sexual preferences neutralizing. I own you and will do as I want with you is a type of slavery that slithers through human relationships in many ugly ways. Love and slavery don't seem proper bedfellows, but in many marriages, they are. I myself feel one of the best gifts I can grant anyone (including my wife) is the freedom to pursue and learn throughout her existence — no matter where that takes her. And I told that to my wife! Sure, there was a breach of trust with her — more like a dam break — but was it on a legitimate quest exploring new horizons? I await your comments. But as you've pointed out, special people in our lives can complement; if they go on to dominate, it's because we let them. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: A judge would hypothetically determine equal freedom for you and your wife and surely would commend the individual freedom you value so highly and assigned in equal portions. But (and this is the kicker) the only way such equality can work in a love relationship is when both partners are of equal emotional maturity. The female ears that heard your words were clearly not at a level of emotional maturity that could keep her on an even keel when out in the world, far from her marriage cocoon. You don't state whether your former wife was of the same philosophy and felt pride in granting her mate the status of free-range husband.

Going from the sublime to the ridiculous, compare your wife's new freedom, conferred upon her by you, with the countless takes on "freedom" out in this scurrilous world. A desirable wife such as yours, given carte blanche by her husband, would seem to be easy pickings for the scoundrels looking for easy pickings. In her they found an easy mark. She heard your philosophy filtered through her own level of comprehension. They saw a woman confused by her husband's stance on individual independence and pounced. End of marriage, end of one-sided independence. Your words were heard by a wife who believed they granted her total freedom and (unknown to you) a second chance to find the romance she was missing in her marriage. She heard your words as license granting her total freedom to explore possibilities, including romantic ones. Because the marriage wasn't meeting her deepest needs, she explored several romantic possibilities, finally settling on one. Inevitably, her marriage to you was over when she heard your words granting her roaming privileges. She used them unwisely, to your detriment. I wonder how many spouses could handle the freedom you so cavalierly bestow — and return to their marriage unchanged by the experiences freedom granted.

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