DEAR SUSAN: All single people need to realize they may not end up married, because getting married takes two people and there's no guarantee they'll meet someone who wants what they want. They can make it their mission to scour every pond in the world, but there is no guarantee that all their searching will turn up a mate. Understanding that these days on our planet are finite and that ultimately the decision to marry is not yours alone to make (you can't club someone over the head and drag him to a justice of the peace!) may help singles decide how best to spend their days. If we were given a glimpse into the future and knew for sure there was no one out there for us, would we still make meeting potential partners the primary focus of life? Of course, even if we all accept the fact that we'll remain single, nothing says we will change our life's plan. Most of us will continue looking at everyone appraisingly, wondering whether people are "taken" or not. So, you can sit and curse the universe for swindling you out of what you feel you "deserve" (and drive yourself mad trying to force fate), or you can back off and appreciate the blessings you do have — and build a life. — From the "Single File" blog
DEAR BLOGGER: As with everything else in life, we choose our own path — and then go about making it our destiny. The life lived solely to "meet" is not only a gamble but also self-sabotage. I came to that realization in my single-mom-and-widow phase, when fearsome tigers would visit me nightly, droning their litany of negative possibilities: What if my son never again had a father? What if I fell ill and couldn't take care of him? What if that nice man doesn't phone again? What if he doesn't like the way I've arranged my life? What if I end up a lonely old lady on the hill?
It took a long time to wrestle my fears to the mat, but that victory inspired Exercises in Singleness ... and a life's work. Making friends with my unmarried state freed me to plan as if I would be unmarried for a long time. That mindset led to a more secure, more interesting life for my son and myself.
The what-ifs morphed into as-ifs, a richer and happier life plan. (Yet even today, there are single women who believe a rich, full life consigns them to lifelong spinsterhood.) Spread the word.
DEAR SUSAN: Earnings imbalance in a relationship should be something the couple can discuss without too much rancor. Does the conversation lead to discomfort or better understanding? Does she constantly want to go to expensive restaurants and shows and activities that you can't afford, so she always has to pay the bill? Or are the two of you able to do things for which you both contribute equally? I think it's a bad idea for either gender to flaunt spending power, and it's also bad for one partner to look to the other as a sugar daddy/mama. It's rare for both halves of a couple to make exactly the same amount, so when a relationship gets more serious, discussions and compromise are the rule. When we started living together, my partner and I split bills according to a ratio based on our respective incomes; I earned 50 percent more than he did, so I generally paid two-thirds of each bill. We were sharing expenses as "equally" as we could. For bigger items, such as trips, this would vary, of course. My feeling is that every couple should negotiate an arrangement that doesn't overburden anyone or make anyone feel inadequate. Money issues are the No. 1 problem in relationships, so good communication is the key. And for Pete's sake, don't avoid the issue just because it's uncomfortable. — From the "Single File" blog
DEAR BLOGGER: The money thing can do in even the best of relationships, but it can't really be discussed until things are pretty well set — and beyond superficialities. It's amazing how much you learn about someone you might have thought you knew very well as soon as the green stuff is the talking point. And honestly, it can bring the two of you into deeper feelings of love and respect — or the issue can put a chill in the air. Besides, you learn a lot about this person's negotiating skills — whether the person is honest, is deceitful, stalls, etc. The discussion may just uncover a part of your beloved that you didn't recognize before; you may consider it a crucial element of this closeness you are building and perhaps call for a timeout. Money tends to bring to the surface issues that have more to do with personal integrity than they do with dollars and cents. Make this a key dialogue going forward.
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