Dear Margo: OMG — I can't believe that you (or my wife) can't figure out why a man wouldn't want to have sex with his wife. There are so many reasons that have nothing to do with being indifferent or gay — medical, girlfriend, performance issues, etc. In my case, I can't stand my wife. A little history: We dated for a few years, and then it just seemed time to get married. We were both in our mid-30s, wanting children. She seemed like she'd be a good mother. During our engagement, she would get nasty, but usually apologized. I thought it was the stress of planning a wedding. By the time we had been married a couple of years, her complaints and temper had gotten so bad that I left her for a couple of weeks. I came back after she pleaded. It was apparent that she would not change and it was time to end things. Of course, that's when she told me she was pregnant.
We now have two lovely children. I have not had sex with her since conceiving No. 2. She knows I look at women and is concerned that I look at porn — and then calls me gay. I am not attracted to her in the slightest. She is like an annoying little sister, and whatever I do for her is never enough. So why am I still with her? Any lawyer will tell you that she would get the kids, and then they wouldn't have a chance at anything resembling a loving home life. — Not a Martyr, Just Protecting My Kids.
Dear Not: You aren't the first person to have misgauged a potential partner. The unedited version of your letter makes your life sound like the road company of "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" Because I think children pay a price for a loveless home with insults being hurled, I would encourage you to reconsider living apart and seeking shared custody.
Sometimes divorce is better than a miserable home situation. To be out of the house does not equate to being out of your children's lives. Should you choose to stay, bear in mind they will not be pre-teenagers forever. Good luck figuring things out. — Margo, thornily
Hostesses, Guests and Allergies
Dear Margo: These days food allergies and sensitivities are more prevalent than ever. Quite often when I'm hosting a small group, I'm aware of at least one person who has lactose intolerance, a gluten sensitivity, a peanut allergy, etc. My question is this: As a hostess of a small gathering, is it incumbent on me to accommodate their sensitivities when I'm preparing a meal? My assumption has always been that it is, and to go out of my way to find recipes that are suitable. However, some friends have told me this is unnecessary and "over and above" the call of duty as a hostess. Even my friends with allergies tell me not to worry, that they'll bring their own food, but that doesn't feel very hospitable. What is etiquette in this situation? — Eager To Please
Dear Eag: You are right that food allergies abound. Many restaurants now routinely ask if anyone must avoid certain foods. For a small party at home, you could not, of course, accommodate different food requirements, and no one expects this. If you know of one person who is, say, lactose intolerant, you might plan your meal accordingly, but no one assumes you would prepare a dinner without lactose, gluten, shellfish, nuts, and I could go on, but I won't. Take your friends' advice and don't worry about this. Most people with allergies can forego one dish and still find other things they can eat. And I remember that Carol Channing used to bring her macrobiotic meals in a paper bag to the best restaurants! — Margo, realistically
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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
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