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Responding to Poor Judgment
Dear Margo: This past year has been amazing for me. I successfully passed my first semester in college with a 4.0 while juggling friends and a job. I have a very goal-oriented boyfriend who is compassionate to boot! We have a lot in common and …Read more.
If It's Something Dire, You Will Know About It
Dear Margo: My husband is an only child in his late 30s. My father-in-law is terribly selfish. We live several states away, and because he's the only blood relative left, my spouse does his best to keep in touch with his father. It is rarely …Read more.
What's Up with That?
Dear Margo: I really don't know what to do about my mother. It's as though she's made a career out of not listening to what I say ... or she's dedicated herself to doing the opposite. Right after I told her I was going on a diet and staying away …Read more.
Guess What: Not Everyone Is Kind
Dear Margo: My husband, our children and I recently moved to a new town. Through the children, really, I've met a group of women. They apparently are longtime friends, and one of them invited me to their Wednesday mothers group for lunch. I have to …Read more.
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Love Thy Neighbor (or Brother) as Thyself -- Unless He Is Gay
Dear Margo: I need advice about how to address my oldest brother's hurtful actions toward me and the paralysis it has caused my family. I am a 40-year-old gay man in the Bible Belt. Last December, I married my partner of five years in a legally recognized ceremony in New England. Knowing that many people would be unable to join us out of state, we arranged a reception at our home down south a month later. We were blessed to have over a dozen people travel through a snowstorm to join us in December (including my father and middle brother from Georgia) and another 100 people at our reception the following month. My oldest brother, however, an evangelical Christian, was not one of them.
He told my father and brother that he can't acknowledge our marriage because it conflicts with his Christian beliefs — even though we were all raised in the same Southern Baptist household and my husband and I are Christian, as well. We have not spoken since Christmas. What worries me is that the rest of my family is so afraid of potential clashes that they've essentially canceled our regular family events. How can I help the rest of my family to move forward, or must this no-winners war consume our future? — Southern Discomfort
Dear South: This is an old and sad story. In your case, something's got to give, or rather, someone. I suggest you tell your relatives that the traditional family occasions you've celebrated in the past must continue. Because your brother is, let us say, intransigent, propose that you and your husband alternate get-togethers with your brother. Alas, you will not change his mind, because while you and I might think him benighted, he believes his religion is dictating his responses. I am more impressed with the way your father and middle brother are interpreting their Christian beliefs. — Margo, sadly
Calling All Greeting Card Companies!
Dear Margo: I am a girl who just turned 25 (and, by the way, I was born a boy). You may have heard stories about transgender people who are aware, even as young children, of what their situation is. Not me. In my case, the confusion lasted until about eight months ago. I am currently in the process of transitioning to life as a woman. I live as a female 100 percent of the time while at home, and about 60 percent of the time when I go out. I would like to be "full time" ASAP, but this is problematic due to the physical realities of the transition process. For example, I am not allowed to shave or wear makeup 24 hours prior to facial electrolysis appointments. My problem is my mother. She is one of those people who professes, "I am open-minded, I am accepting," but she doesn't act like it.
For my birthday this week she sent me a birthday card that said "Dear Son" on it. Now, I realize I was her son for a long time, and that Hallmark doesn't sell birthday cards that say "Dear Son/Daughter" or "Happy Birthday, Offspring." I predicted my dad would react poorly, but as it turned out, I did not give him enough credit. On the night I told him, he said no matter what happened he would always be there for me because he loves me. Why can't my mom be like that? — Preferring Pink but Feeling Blue
Dear Pre: I am glad your dad was quick to get with the program, and I hope you cut your mother a little slack. It has to be difficult, I am guessing, for any parent — after a quarter of a century — to redo one's thinking from "him" to "her." If there was a passive-aggressive element to her choosing a card that said "Son," I expect that as you progress on your journey of change she will feel more at home with your new persona. Good luck. — Margo, transformatively
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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
COPYRIGHT 2009 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS.COM
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Comments
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10 Comments | Post Comment
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First, let me say that while the brother is under no obligation to recognize the marriage since it conflicts with his religion, he should love his brother no matter what. I suspect there's a lot more to the story than the writer is revealing. My experience is that many gays are not content that Christians should love them, but hate their sin. No, they want us to validate their sin by saying it does not violate God's laws in any way. Sorry, can't do it anymore than I can claim adultery among heterosexuals does not violate God's laws. So, as a Christian, I continue to love gays but hate their sins. And that's what makes them mad. And has anyone else noticed how Margo's column is turning into a pro-gay agenda site? What's with that?
Comment: #1
Posted by: Pam
Sat Sep 12, 2009 5:10 AM
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Re: Pam. As a fellow believer, I'm with you one hundred percent and am as frustrated as you are. So many people seem to confuse acceptance of the person with tolerance of the lifestyle. Any minute, though, about six more posters will be coming along to chastise us for our "hate," "bigotry," and "judgmental behavior." Seems like today is a particularly bad day - both letters are from people who are rather, ah, confused.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Matt
Sat Sep 12, 2009 9:32 PM
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Christianity comes from the words of Jesus, and he never spoke about homosexuality. He specifically said, "Judge not, lest ye be judged, and "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone." No Christian is allowed to make judgments for God. Therefore, Christians do not have a right to determine whether or not homosexuality is a sin. Since Jesus never spoke of it, Christians shouldn't try to make judgments about it.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Paul
Sat Sep 12, 2009 11:08 PM
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Re: Paul
Actually, to be a Christian means that you are a disciple of Christ. Disciples of Christ follow all the inspired words of God, as did Jesus. Jesus quoted the Hebrew scriptures extensively and showed reverence for the word of God. Jesus quoted Deuteronomy 4:4, saying "man must live, not on bread alone, but on every utterance coming forth through Jehovah's mouth." (Matthew 4:4) The Bible says that "All Scripture is inspired of God and beneficial for teaching, for reproving, for setting things straight, for disciplining in righteousness, that the man of God may be fully competent, completely equipped for every good work." (2 Timothy 3:16, 17)
To sin means to miss the mark of perfect obedience to God. 'We all sin and fall short of the glory of God.' (Romans 3:23) However, if we truly love and appreciate God, we do not attempt to excuse our sin, but correct it. We seek, through the help of God's holy spirit and the power of prayer, repentance and redemption. We strive in every moment to live up to Jehovah God's righteous principles. He is the One 'teaching us to benefit ourselves, the One causing us to tread in the way in which we should walk.' (Isaiah 48:17) "For this is what God wills, the sanctifying of you, that you abstain from fornication; that each of you should know how to get possession of his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in covetous sexual appetite such as those of the nations have which do not know
God." (1 Thessalonians 4:3-5) We have all seen the massive human suffering that has resulted from unfettered sexual gratification and perversion. Our loving Almighty Father desires to protect his children from this suffering. Only our Creator has the wisdom, wherewithal and foresight to know what is in our best interests. It takes a great deal of humility to submit your life to the will of God, to let His will supersede your own. However, it also takes a great deal of pride to declare that you know what is good and bad more so that the One who in his infinite wisdom, abundant power, unparalleled love, and superlative justice created the universe and all that which exists within it. (Revelation 4:11)
Comment: #4
Posted by: SarahM
Sun Sep 13, 2009 12:45 AM
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Words spoken by man over 2,000 years ago, or Science. It is still amazing that this is a problem today. As my friends used to say "no sin is worse than a sex sin"...and Jesus said no sin is worse than another. But, if you are going to go by words written BY MEN, over 2,000 years ago, then I supposed it makes sense to pick and choose what to believe more (or less). The LW brother is CHOOSING not to go to the LW house. He was not asked to kiss a man or lay down with one. God didn't TELL HIM NOT to go. When people don't CHOOSE to USE their own minds OR even to "love one another" as they are TOLD to in the Bible, then families are hurt and ripped apart. WWJD?? Did he STONE THE PROSTITUTE? No. I feel bad for you "Christians" and will con't to pray for you.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Katie
Sun Sep 13, 2009 9:45 AM
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L#1
Dear Southern D,
I agree with Margo your father and younger brother are truly graced with the universal love which is the true essence of Christianity as well as other religions. Are you as expansive as your father and younger brother? What I am about to suggest may not go down easily but I feel that it is surest path to expanding your older brother's understanding of the principle of Universal Love and healing the pain you feel. Find a way to forgive your brother and make it so that your husband can easily do the same (stop badmouthing your brother to him). If there is family gossip going back and forth put an end to it and put everyone on notice that you are content, that you've forgiven your brother, that you love him and are not going to speak badly about him. Keep reaching out to your brother (even if it this remains a one-way venture) when you hear any news about him/his family send a little note to let him/them know how happy his good news makes you (send encouraging notes for bad news); send him updates on what is going on with you (good and bad) before you tell anyone else so that he's hearing directly from you and not secondhand; send him birthday/holiday cards just keep the connection alive and loving. Find ways to make it easy and irresistible for the family as a whole to go on with family events and celebrations. Personally I wouldn't alternate get-togethers with your brother I'd go to every single one. This is an opportunity for you to transform and expand onto a higher plane and by doing so draw others to follow you on that path. Even if your brother never grows beyond his ignorance and fear you can be sure that others will. Make a path.
L#2
Dear Pink,
I agree with Margo 100%. Be grateful for your mom and cut her some slack as she learns to get with the program. Use positivity to gently guide her to a more complete understanding of your experience. Please realize that this is just as much a period of transformation for your parents as it is for you.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Liz
Sun Sep 13, 2009 10:08 AM
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I have become frustrated over time with this columnist. I read the column faithfully (no pun intended) and find the advice very solid....EXCEPT when the issue is related to homosexuality, or perhaps more accurately christianity. Not sure if it is ignorance or an agenda, but I have seen this columnist state, as fact, that individuals are "born" gay...and further consistently chastises those with christian beliefs as "close minded" or "intolerant". The idea that people are born gay is a theory, which can (and should) be debated, however should not be put forth as "fact", when it is merely an "opinion". Why is your opinion more valid than mine or anyone elses?
I am a Christian, who wholeheartedly believes what the Bible says about homosexuality, which is that the act is sinful. This sin is not more or less sinful than any other sin, which is why I love the passage that says, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."
Anyway, I'm hoping that this is more ignorance than an agenda. That would be a lot easier for me to swallow since this is an advise column.
...my 2 cents.
Comment: #7
Posted by: RyanOnCue
Mon Sep 14, 2009 10:02 AM
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First, I'm not here to chastise anyone for their "hate," "bigotry," and "judgmental behavior." I am here to enlighten (a little). It seems to me that the main issue with homosexuality is the idea among many Christian groups that it is the worst sin, and that it is somehow greater than all of the other sins in the bible. Most of the gays I know don't care if everyone validates them, they just don't want to be a target. They are tired of people driving by screaming obscenities to them when they are with their partners...
So, I've created a small list of sins. Showing the idea of picking and choosing that most Christians do. it's very easy to target and place a lot of focus on homosexuality, but what about these other equal sins???
1. Women must be submissive to men. They are never to teach or usurp men.
"A woman must quietly receive instruction with entire submissiveness. But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence. For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression." (1 Timothy 2:11-15)
2. God hates Shrimp (well, anything in the sea that does not have fins or scales) and pigs.
"Whatsoever hath no fins nor scales in the waters, that shall be an abomination unto you." (Leviticus 11:12)
"And the swine, though he divide the hoof, and be clovenfooted, yet he cheweth not the cud; he is unclean to you." (Leviticus 11:7)
3. No wearing clothes of mixed fibers.... darn you poly-blend!!!!
"Ye shall keep my statutes. Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind: thou shalt not sow thy field with mingled seed: neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woollen come upon thee." (Leviticus 19:19)
Ok, I'm going to stop at three.... Basically because you can go through most of Leviticus and find that there are a lot of sinful things. Among them, Liviticus also says "Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination." (18:22) among these many sins. I've never seen anyone yell out their car window at a stranger for eating shrimp, wearing poly-blend clothing, or at being a female teachers.... I have, however, seen and had friends get injured and harassed for being gay.
Hope that helps... better go to confession and repent for all the lobsters I've enjoyed throughout the past 30 years~
Comment: #8
Posted by: Josh
Tue Sep 15, 2009 5:51 AM
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Re: Josh: priceless! thank-you, thank-you, thank-you! for years I've rejected Catholicism because it denotes that homosexuality is wrong and sinful. To me, gay-bashing is certainly more hurtful than what goes on between two consenting adults in their own bedroom. The brother should be ashamed for judging his brother's lifestyle choices. His brother found someone to love, many people in this world don't have that. Jesus would not have acted this way. There's something alot of people seem to lack these days: common sense and class.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Marie-Claude
Tue Sep 15, 2009 1:53 PM
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My husband and I are the only Christians in my side of the family. We feel that we are frequently misunderstood. My husband worked for a company with a liberal, activist, left-wing agenda and we are the opposite. That said, I should point out that my Uncle was gay and I loved him very much and refuse to believe he went to H--- because he was gay. He was wonderful and loving, he died five weeks before I got married and I have thought of him every day since. He never asked anyone to validate his lifestyle or march in a parade. Had he found someone special and gotten married, I would have been there and celebrated with them. The exact opposite was preached at the company my husband worked for, he was ORDERED to march in a gay pride parade and wear the ribbon, buy the shirt and say "This is RIGHT!". We are Christians, but we don't automatically accept another person as brethren just because they say they are Christians as well. We wouldn't do that in the case of the parade either. However, that was considered "hate" by his co-workers and my husband paid a very dear price for his right to have his own views, which is, "I accept individuals and I don't accept sweeping judgments of a group. He absolutely adored one of his co-workers, a woman who is gay and we had dinner with her and her partner one night and a great time was had by all. Just because we are Christian doesn't make us homophobes, and I wish LW1 brother didn't use religion as an excuse to reject another person. My love for Christ and appreciation for his sacrifice for me is something that makes me care for others, remind them that we should love others as we love ourselves. A hearty congratulations to the happy couple! (and I will pray for the brother)
Comment: #10
Posted by: Chelle
Mon Sep 6, 2010 3:12 PM
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