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Dreams of "What If?"
Dear Margo: I'm a 20-something woman engaged to the best man I've ever known. I am beyond ecstatic to be getting married. My problem has nothing to do with him and everything to do with a guy who was one of my best friends in college. This guy and I …Read more.
Afraid of Little Girls
Dear Margo: Between the ages of 6 and 10, I was severely bullied, but I was given the impression by grownups that such behavior was perfectly normal for children and I shouldn't be so sensitive. (I now realize they probably did not pay attention to …Read more.
Every Problem Does Not Have a Solution
Dear Margo: Many years ago, I got a call informing me that my son was arrested and being held on $1 million bail. That was when I first learned that he is a pedophile.
He has just completed his 20-year prison sentence, and during that time I learned …Read more.
When You Live on a One-Way Street
Dear Margo: My patience has run out with the three living members of my family. My father, his mother and my brother have gone through periods of not talking to each other or to me. My brother wants nothing to do with my father or our grandmother, …Read more.
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Closing Down a Demanding Granny
Dear Margo: I am a single mother to a special needs child. Not so unusual, right? However, I am also a soldier in the U.S. Army. My ex-husband is also in the military, and we are both currently deployed overseas. He and I maintain an amicable relationship. It seems that when it comes to our daughter, we are on the same page (thankfully). While we are both deployed, my family has taken on the responsibility of caring for "Emma." My family, of course, adores her, and my sister has done a wonderful job of raising her.
During the time I've been away, my former mother-in-law has insisted on more and more visitation. Emma does not deal well with transition and functions better with a strict routine. Because of this, I've allowed Grandma one weekday visit and an overnight every other weekend (despite the fact that it takes Emma almost four days to get back to her schedule). Now she is demanding an overnight every single weekend! Does this woman not realize how hard it is for Emma to go back and forth for even one night?
Now I want to restrict all visitation with Grandma until her son comes home, and he has said he would even tell her as much. I would appreciate your opinion. — Fed-Up Mom/Soldier
Dear Fed: Great good luck that your ex agrees with you about Emma and his mother. I would, indeed, let him deliver the message that the main consideration must be what is best for the child. A four-day readjustment is not worth one visit. Have your family suggest she come for an afternoon at "Emma's house" and bag the sleepovers. If Grandma balks, have Emma's doctor write a note to remind the old girl that her grandchild is a special needs child. The strength of your position is that Emma's needs are special. — Margo, concurringly
In the End, People Do as They Like
Dear Margo: I need advice about dealing with my brother's relationship. He's been dating a woman for three years (she's 23, he's 28), and as far as my family can see, he is not really committed to her. He seems to be coasting along, while she is very marriage-oriented and has even planned her dream wedding.
In addition to this, she is very controlling of him and has no interest in our family to the point of rudeness. A recent example was when I was visiting their house (I live on another continent). I sat alone in the living room while she stayed in their bedroom. My brother is no saint, and he can be snappish with her. He has also complained about her weight gain since they started dating.
My family has always told my brother that if she makes him happy, then we are happy for him, no matter how she behaves toward us. I'm thinking about sitting down with him and having a frank talk, telling him that if he's not planning to marry her, then he shouldn't stay with her, as it's unfair. We are close and confide in each other a lot, so I feel I am well positioned to do this.
Would that be interfering? I don't want to alienate my brother or further damage my relationship with someone who could turn out to be my sister-in-law. — Navigating Difficult Relationships
Dear Nav: My hunch is that your bro will tire of the controlling lady friend who is wedding-minded, rude ... and gaining weight. But do feel free to have "the talk." That way you will know you've gone on record, and of course, he will do just exactly as he pleases. I don't think you could further damage the relationship with what's-her-name, because, really, what is more dismissive than hiding in her bedroom when you are visiting? There is a message, however, in your brother's acceptance of her imposing a distance between them and the family he supposedly likes. Maybe they deserve each other. — Margo, domestically
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via the online form at www.creators.com/dearmargo. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
COPYRIGHT 2011 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS.COM
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20 Comments | Post Comment
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LW1-
If grandmama cannot accept the note from the physician, tough beans. Emma is not a toy for her amusement and her interest has to come first. Count your blessings that you are you ex are in agreement over this. As it is now, the problem is manageable if you two present a united front. It would be much, much worse if you didn't.
LW2-
Would that be interfering? YES.
I don't suggest you start lecturing your brother about his love life unless he specifically asks for your opinion. Until then, it would be best that you let things proceed naturally, and allow him to find for himself other things he doesn't like so much about her.
Well, as controlling as she may be, she's not meeting complete success in every area, is she, otherwise she would have gotten her dream wedding already. Just be grateful that your brother doesn't seem too keen on marrying her. And keep your tongue in check - start raging about her and he might suddenly discover that he likes her a lot more than he thought, just so to fly to her defense.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Fri Dec 30, 2011 9:49 PM
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LW1-Your sister is raising her and doing all the work, so if it doesn't cause your sister any difficulty, fine. But if it means more work for your sister, forget it. Your sister is doing all the parental work, so she should be making all the decisions. If your daughter, however, is not comfortable with the visits, well then grandma better forget it.
Btw, your sister might be able to get foster care money from your state because she has taken your daughter in. It's called "kinship foster care." It won't give her much, but it may help her pay some bills related to raising your daughter.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Roger
Sat Dec 31, 2011 1:44 AM
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On LW2: LOL. That was our family in 1974. My older brother determined to marry a woman who was cold to us, snappish, said things that seemed pretty sharp, and didn't care to be in the same room with us, would just keep to herself.
Now it is 2012 (almost). She and I have a pretty good relationship. I genuinely enjoy hearing from Beth, and if we run into each other at the store, it lights up my day. But at the time of her marriage another brother went out of his way to warn our oldest brother not to make this huge mistake. He actually stopped the car (he was best man) and pulled over for more than a half hour, making them late for the wedding, doing everything he could to stop it.
And in fact the marriage did end back in the early 90s. And yet Beth and I still are on good terms. How did this happen? We both adjusted over time and learned to see the person in front of us instead of an adversary. Also, fyi, neither of us has much of anything to do with her ex-husband, my brother. But that's another story!
People can change. I'd really have missed out on knowing a wonderful, capable person, if I'd let my impression of who she was when we were all so young be the end of the story, and the same for her about me. I'm not going to guess here if the young woman in his letter is a true horror or not, but after Beth, I realized we had all "group-thinked" her into bitchness. Yes, there were some elements there, but there was an entire person there worth getting to know, at HER pace, on HER terms.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Ms. Rowena
Sat Dec 31, 2011 6:02 AM
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LW1--"Now she is demanding an overnight every single weekend!" You're absolutely correct in that Grandma doesn't understand the intricacies of getting your daughter back on her regularly scheduled program. Nevertheless, there's no reason for you to totally restrict Grandma's visitations altogether. This will come off as vindictive and likely escalate tension all around. You're a soldier so it should be easy for you to stick to your guns. Inform Grandma that she doesn't get to make demands. She has one weekday visit and an overnighter every other weekend. If you're feeling charitable you can feel free to go into specifics about your daughter's special needs and the importance of her maintaining a strict, predictable schedule. If Grandma can't accept your terms, then tell her you have no choice but to suspend her visitations until her son is home to mediate. My guess is that she'll get the picture.
LW2--"I need advice about dealing with my brother's relationship." Your first sentence speaks volumes. The bottom line here is that your brother's relationship is absolutely none of your business. While you could be brazen and address any perceived rudeness on the part of your brother's girlfriend towards the family with HER one on one, your brother's intentions with regards to his marriage plans are strictly off limits. My advice to you is to forget about having a frank discussion with your brother and mind your own bees wax.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Chris
Sat Dec 31, 2011 6:15 AM
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Does anyone else find the grandma in LW1 a bit...excessive? One visit per week and an overnight every other weekend is FAR more than I saw any of my grandparents growing up. And she wants the grand daughter overnight every weekend? PLUS a weekly visit? I get grandparental devotion, but at this point it sounds like grandma wants to practically raise this child. Even without special needs, I'd say the visiting schedule grandma wants is excessive. With special needs, including a strict schedule, and it shows that for all her devotion, grandma is thinking only of herself.
LW2: Not your problem. Either they'll stay together and be miserable forever, or they'll break up, or one of them will have an epiphany and they'll be happy forever. If she's rude to you, ignore her. She's obviously not interested in making friends anyways. But as you've already guessed, there isn't much you can do here.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Jers
Sat Dec 31, 2011 6:36 AM
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LW1: You don't state the extent of the special needs your child has. What is going on during Grandma's visit that is to strenuous and tumultuous that it takes 4 days to get back on schedule? If Grandma is coming the same day each week, isn't that part of the child's schedule? If Grandma comes to visit, inform her of your daughter's nap times, and other things such as taking meds or therapy or whatever her needs are. Why are you letting Grandma interrupt her schedule? She should simply play with the child, then let her alone when it's time. I mean, if it's time for her to nap, the only way that would get disrupted is if mom is allowing Grandma to continue playing with the child. Instead, mom should insist on the nap. And where is dad in all this? If the parents get along so well, mom should tell dad to tell his mom to be more sensitive to their child's needs.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Salty
Sat Dec 31, 2011 8:05 AM
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Jers, it IS excessive, and my guess is that there's a good reason for those demands.
This may well be Granny's only grandchild, and her son -- which would be her normal conduit to the child -- isn't a presence in the kid's day to day life, so Granny feels compelled to make sure the kid doesn't forget her father or her father's family. It looks to me like she is trying to maintain some sort of visitation schedule that might be common in a divorce situation, with her standing in for the child's father.
I think she's got a valid concern; I think it would be a HUGE mistake to cut her off from all visitation, and I believe she and LW's sister could work out a mutually beneficial agreement, IF Granny is instructed as to the importance of maintaining the child's routine. LW's sister would probably be better able to partner with Granny than would Granny's former daughter-in-law. It is good for Emma to learn that more than one person can care for her capably and that she can adapt to more than one place; it's good for her aunt to get some time to focus on her own life/kids; it's good to maintain ties to Dad (even if he doesn't see it now).
I'd be a whole lot more sympathetic to LW if I'd caught any whiff of "I'm so glad my former MIL wants to remain a presence in Emma's life" or "I want my daughter to know her Grandma, but Grandma cavalierly dismisses anything my sister tries to tell her about food sensitivities and sleep needs, so Emma never can get back on track." Without that, I'm seeing someone who's determined to win a power struggle and, much as she talks about what's best for Emma, blind to the fact that it really is important to Emma to see that someone from her father's side of the family cares about her, too.
Comment: #7
Posted by: hedgehog
Sat Dec 31, 2011 9:07 AM
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I do not understand parents who are both in the military and both deployed away from home and their children. One parent should always be available and with the children. Why should other family members take on this responsibility so you can go about your work? At least one parent should find work that means being with the children. This also goes for single parents who leave the childcare to relatives.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Melinda
Sun Jan 1, 2012 6:06 AM
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@Melinda re: LW1-Both the LW and her ex chose to join the military. When called to active duty, they *must* go. The U.S. Armed Forces does not accept the need to care for children as an excuse not to go when ordered. Their child may have been born after they joined; for that matter, they may have met while serving. Unless they have served their terms, the military will not release either for parental duties.
Even if not in the Armed Forces, we don't know their financial situation. Circumstances may require them both to work. Military pay is not the greatest but the benefits are excellent. Their child can receive medical care covered by the federal government. Plus, if something happens to either parent, their daughter can receive their GI Bill to attend college.
Please don't judge them because of the decisions they made. We've all made decisions we think are best for our families, whether they turned out for the best or not.
Comment: #9
Posted by: LibraryKat
Sun Jan 1, 2012 7:11 AM
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Really, Melinda? You believe young people in the military are jumping up and down at the chance to breed and then foist their kids off on relatives while they themselves skip merrily out the door to deployment? "Whee -- that's a whole lot of diapers that *I* don't have to change. My mom is SUCH a sucker!"
Have you not realized that over the last decade, entire units that had never in their history been deployed for duty were called up and sent into combat? People who joined the reserve or even National Guard forces as a way to help pay for school and get some extra cash and benefits for training one weekend a month YEARS before, and had gone on with their lives, building careers and families -- were, in their 30s and with young kids at home, were sent overseas.
And conversely, sometimes single parents feel forced to join the military as a means to getting career training and benefits to allow them to better provide for their child(ren). People who are laid off sometimes have to switch direction in order to find new employment; training for a new career can be expensive.
Then there are those who signed up for active duty, fall in love, get married and perhaps become pregnant despite contraception. Young women, like young men, are expected to find a way to support themselves independently. There's a recession out there, you know, and it's benefiting military recruiters. Would you suggest those young woman, knowing they cannot break the contract they signed, should abort those pregnancies?
Comment: #10
Posted by: hedgehog
Sun Jan 1, 2012 8:29 AM
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Re: Salty
As I understand the way the LW states things, it is the overnight stay that throws the child's schedule to smithereens, probably because grandmama goes 'oh, poo, I know how to take care of a child', when presented with the child's schedule and needs. The times when grandma visits at the child's home would be part of her routine indeed, but the sister, since she is not the mother, may have a difficult time enforcing her authority regarding the child's schedule with Sherman-Tank ex-MIL.
Where is the father in this? Deployed like the mother is. As for "mom should tell dad to tell his mom to be more sensitive to their child's needs"... she already has, and so has HE. Grandmama dear doesn't give a damn.
@Hedgehog
If she's so concerned, then she should not be disrupting a special needs child's schedule. It may be that she is in denial about the child's diagnosis or blaming it on the ex-DIL, but pretending it doesn't exist is not in the child's best interest, if she is to grow as up functional as possible.
"I want my daughter to know her Grandma, but Grandma cavalierly dismisses anything my sister tries to tell her about food sensitivities and sleep needs, so Emma never can get back on track." That may well be what she would have said some time ago, but is now so exasperated with the woman's disregard of the child's need that she no longer feels grateful for her presence. Keep in mind she is in very good terms with her ex, so this doesn't sound like it was a WWIII divorce.
"it really is important to Emma to see that someone from her father's side of the family cares about her, too."
If she can't respect the child's schedule, then she doesn't care - back to that again!
Re post #10
What Melinda is suggesting is that couples who both work should have one of them in a menial job (the woman of course) so to be on hand for the child, and single parents, men and women all, should all be on welfare, so to be on hand for the child. Soldiers who get pregant should get an abortion and the males should all be neutered like a dog.
Melinda, there is nothing wrong with a sister being the primary care-giver to a child and, when it works out to everyone's satifaction, it is infinitely better than impersonal day care. Or do you have a problem witn day care also, and expect all women to just get out of the work force?
Comment: #11
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sun Jan 1, 2012 9:22 AM
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Lise, if this were the FATHER disrupting the child's schedule, my guess is the court would disallow any attempt by the mother to cut him out of the child's life. Courts routinely allow disruption in kids' lives -- even thought ALL kids thrive on routine -- by having them go back and forth between two parents' homes, figuring that the benefits outweigh the drawbacks. And there ARE drawbacks to the adults as well as the kids -- it's much easier to do things the way YOU have found works best for you than it is to try to instruct a second adult in them, to transport the child and her belongings, to remember to include the other adult in medicine, therapy or routine changes, etc.
I've not seen anything that indicates that Grandma has been instructed in how or why LW's sis structures Emma's day, nor that Grandma is balking at doing those things. She can't do what she doesn't know. Better to make Grandma part of Emma's team than to cut her out entirely.
Comment: #12
Posted by: hedgehog
Sun Jan 1, 2012 8:39 PM
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Re: hedgehog
I find hard to believe that she hasn't been, considering this is a special needs child. But if she hasn't been instructed, then definitely she should be.
And regarding a father who would purposely disrupt a child's routine, the court would make a distinction between a normal child and a special needs one, I think, and their ruling would be proportionate to the gravity of the transgression.
Comment: #13
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Mon Jan 2, 2012 11:58 AM
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Re the brother's girlfriend being so rude as to sit in a bedroom while the sister visits. I have a hunch that his complaining about her weight....goes WAY beyond a casual remark. Perhaps he denigrates her frequently in front of others...so much so that she withdraws. SHe probably is angry since he is "snappish" at her, and she takes her leave. I know, I watched my ex brother -in-law do this to my sister. Butt out sis, sounds like you need to sit quietly and observe the underlying reasons for this odd union. Perhaps your brother is nicer to you than his girlfriend and she needs to find someone new to appreciate her.
Comment: #14
Posted by: Blenie
Mon Jan 2, 2012 12:11 PM
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RE: LW2 -- Most folks here at the BTL have (wisely) suggested the LW butt out of her brother's relationship, saying that it's none of her business. I generally agree with this advice, but not so much because it's "none of her business" as because more often than not, no good comes of this kind of butting in. But at the same time, I would urge LW2 to be prepared to take advantage of any "teachable moments" that may occur. If the brother opens the door by starting a conversation about his relationship, she should try to assess whether he's in a state of willingness to listen, and then be ready to walk through that door and offer up her observations. But for this to be successful -- or, at the very least, not harmful -- she needs to wait for HIM to open that door, and she needs to be ready to zip it the second he proves to be less than willing to really listen to her. More often than not, minding one's own business is almost always the way to go -- but the LW seems to think she's got the kind of relationship with her brother that she can broach this subject with him, so perhaps we need to take her at her word on this.
LW, please also keep in mind that the relationship you see between your brother and his GF is not necessarily indicative of what their relationship is really like when no one's around. People frequently don different masks when in the presence of others. I know a lot of people who believe I totally wear the pants in my family and that my husband never has any say in anything. That's because I have a very take-charge personality, and I'm more outgoing than my husband. But the fact is, my husband has his own, quiet way of leading, and ours is very much a relationship of equal give and take -- it's just not so obvious to see from the outside.
And as others have noted, you want to be careful of being too critical of someone who may (eventually) become an official part of your family. Rather than say anything negative about her being stand-offish or whatever, instead, make it about your brother and his happiness. Don't "scold" him about setting her free if he doesn't want to marry her -- instead, ask him what he wants, what his plans are, what would make him happy, etc. At some point, you might even consider asking him what he likes best about his GF -- not in a "what on earth do you see in that girl" kind of way. You might be surprised at what he has to say.
Comment: #15
Posted by: Lisa
Tue Jan 3, 2012 1:58 PM
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LW1 -- you are understandably stressed out and annoyed, which would be bad enough for any single mom, much less one who also happens to be risking her life in the service of this country. But please take a deep breath and think before you banish your MIL. It is great (and frankly nothing short of miraculous) that your ex agrees with you and is prepared to back you up. If there is a way (and given your deployment, I'm not sure there is) for you and your ex to be on a conference call with your MIL so that you can both be a united front in explaining why things need to be left alone, that would be most helpful. Barring that, however, just make sure you and the ex are on the same page and let him know you are not going to change visitation and what your reasons are and how you intend to inform his mother of this so that if/when she goes crying to her son, he can back you up on it.
I'm betting that you and/or your ex and/or your sister have all explained to Granny about your child's special needs and all the issues related to taking her out of her routine, but even if you have, it's very possible that Granny simply isn't willing to listen to any of you. Well, she might listen to a doctor. Have your sister invite Granny to come to your daughter's next doctor's appointment and ask the doctor to go into detail with Granny about what your daughter needs. She still might not be willing to listen, but at least you will know that she really has been given ALL of the information she needs in order to understand the situation and do the right thing by your daughter. If after that she still won't get with the program, THEN you can consider banishing her.
Comment: #16
Posted by: Lisa
Tue Jan 3, 2012 2:06 PM
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Re: Blenie
Got a point there - I hadn't thought of that.
Comment: #17
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Wed Jan 4, 2012 10:37 AM
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Special needs children don't have just one source to go to. Their needs are met with multiple specialists. Take granny with you to ALL her appts, whether play dates with other special needs kids, to the school she attends (special needs interaction starts pretty much during the first year.) Show consistancy is of utmost importance. You can't wander from routine, which is what your family has going on for her.
Jump forward to when she is old enough to acdemically be in classes. Repetition is critical. And it started with being the toddler and getting there. On to high school and post age. Same reinforcment, repetition, family support absolutely necessary. Caregivers and other 1:1 people cannot change cause it creates issues.
If the granny makes no point to come and be every day connected, the every weekend is a no UNLESS someone from her every day is with her. Tell granny she can pay for the 1:1 time frame. Not sure how much special interaction time is paid for in daughter's day to day functioning. Back when my brother was in this situation, we siblings were his day to day. There was 1 brother born after him, so that meant us 3 sisters were is day to day along with parents. The little brother 1 year younger was the one Alan tried to milestone with. And to a point, it worked. Learning to pee in the can before the toilet--a guy thing.
Comment: #18
Posted by: Joyce/MN
Mon Jan 9, 2012 8:06 AM
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Re: LibraryKat
Mentioning that if SOMETHING SHOULD HAPPEN TO THE PARENTS---GI Bill to her.....
The times have changed and if you have not used your GI bill status for education YOUR children now can be assigned the college education. New as of summer 2011.
Our local Vets Service Officer has radio time once a week, updating vets and families of the latest info--.
Comment: #19
Posted by: Joyce/MN
Mon Jan 9, 2012 8:11 AM
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Re: hedgehog
To back up your point. Up until the past decade NATIONAL GUARD UNITS never have left AMERICAN SOIL. They are the form of defense at home. And it used to be everyone did the guards if they did not get drafted elsewhere. Or instead of-----My husband was one of them when graduating HS 52 years ago. 2 years of guards and then the 2 weekends a month in training for 2 years. Used to have many armories around the US where this took place. Not just men, but woment too, in order to get to post HS educations, many in long term jobs on the local basis.
But the last decade of wars around the world have required our National Guard to become World Wide Soldiers. Of the last 10 years, MN has lost 72 to the wars. Locally, 3 were killed and several of the area with many close calls and injuries. It will have the same lasting effects that the Vietnam war was and the Korean Conflict before that. There are not many still living who were of the WW I & II.
Comment: #20
Posted by: Joyce/MN
Mon Jan 9, 2012 8:18 AM
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