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Dreams of "What If?"
Dear Margo: I'm a 20-something woman engaged to the best man I've ever known. I am beyond ecstatic to be getting married. My problem has nothing to do with him and everything to do with a guy who was one of my best friends in college. This guy and I …Read more.
Afraid of Little Girls
Dear Margo: Between the ages of 6 and 10, I was severely bullied, but I was given the impression by grownups that such behavior was perfectly normal for children and I shouldn't be so sensitive. (I now realize they probably did not pay attention to …Read more.
Every Problem Does Not Have a Solution
Dear Margo: Many years ago, I got a call informing me that my son was arrested and being held on $1 million bail. That was when I first learned that he is a pedophile.
He has just completed his 20-year prison sentence, and during that time I learned …Read more.
When You Live on a One-Way Street
Dear Margo: My patience has run out with the three living members of my family. My father, his mother and my brother have gone through periods of not talking to each other or to me. My brother wants nothing to do with my father or our grandmother, …Read more.
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Best Buddies No More
Dear Margo: I had a best friend (of 20 years), and we used to gab on the phone every day during high school and college. We maintained a good degree of communication for a few years after graduation.
Two years ago, he was promoted and things suddenly stopped. He didn't answer messages and very rarely sent them himself. I asked him what was going on, and he said he was just busy. To my knowledge, he works a standard 9 to 5 job. I work seven to eight hours a day, myself, plus two hours of commuting, and I still have time to do many things, including recreation, calling friends and helping out relatives. While his job may be more taxing (he's a financial planner), my job is not a cakewalk, either (I do research). My impression is that he simply doesn't have time for his old best friend.
I ask myself frequently whether I am just being paranoid or insecure, but a few things seem to confirm that I am not. For example, on the rare occasions when he's out with us (old friends), he frequently checks his messages on his handheld. Once, when he ran into a few of his new friends, he actually cut short our get-together so he could hang with them. I got fed up, and seven months ago I deleted him from my contacts and stopped messaging him.
Now, just a couple of hours ago, he sent me a "Hi, how are things?" message. Since I wasn't happy with the way he treated me after being best buddies for 20 years, I took that opportunity to express what I felt. I basically told him it was rude and arrogant to ignore messages and invitations, and that I didn't really buy his "I am busy" excuse. He fired back saying he wouldn't attempt to change my mind, and that this was an indication that our friendship must have been fragile to begin with.
What I want to confirm is whether or not I overstepped in my confrontation with him. — Disappointed
Dear Dis: I don't think you overstepped by saying what you felt, because a drastic change in a longtime friendship almost demands a discussion. It seems clear, however, that he has, as they say, moved on. Some friendships are outgrown, and others endure. I would hardly consider a best buddy friendship for 20 years "fragile," so ignore that. But do accept that he's changed, and whether it's for the worse is not really relevant. (And he sounds like a bit of a climber.) These things happen. Onward. — Margo, forwardly
90 Minutes Is No Deal Breaker
Dear Margo: I have "officially" been dating a great guy for a month. We get along really well, and this could be it! The fly in the ointment is that he got a job that caused him to move an hour and a half away. Things were moving along well and smoothly because we were geographically within spitting distance of each other. How do we make this work? — Down in the Dumps
Dear Down: Either of you have a car? An hour-and-a-half commute isn't an out-of-this-world trek. Maybe you could alternate weekends. Where there's a will there's a way ... or a highway, train or bus. (Trains and buses, by the way, offer a great chance to read.) And there are people, believe it or not, who keep a romance going at greater distances than you have to deal with. Good luck. — Margo, transportably
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via the online form at www.creators.com/dearmargo. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
COPYRIGHT 2012 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS.COM
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Comments
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10 Comments | Post Comment
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LW1--"What I want to confirm is whether or not I overstepped in my confrontation with him." Not at all. What you did was simply call your former friend out on his blowing you off for the past two years. Maybe your buddy moved on (read upgraded) but that doesn't give him the right to come calling when it pleases him and leave you out in the cold when his new friends come along. I agree with Margo that the friendship reached the end of it's shelf-life. It happens and it's not the end of the world. My advice is to get out there and make some new friends yourself. Life is too short.
LW2--"The fly in the ointment is that he got a job that caused him to move an hour and a half away." I hate to break it to you but an hour and a half drive is not significant when you're talking about the love of your life. Time for a reality check. You've been "officially" dating for a month. In my mind that isn't long enough for you to have sufficiently determined that this guy is "the One". If you think otherwise, then do the work (e.g., make the drive) to continue dating and see where it goes. If you're not willing to spend a little time on the road to see your beloved then he isn't your beloved. End of story.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Chris
Fri Jan 27, 2012 4:04 AM
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L1: sounds like you were putting a lot more energy into the relationship than he was, and now you don't have to continue. Chalk it up to people sometimes growing apart and just move forward. Concentrate on friendships with people you have more in common with now.
L2: One month? You are both still on your best behavior, and it's way too soon to know if he really is "the One". This move may actually be a good thing, in that it will make you both really think about whether your relationship is worth the extra effort. If so, then maybe you belong together. But if he is only "the One" because of proximity, you should keep looking.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Shirley
Fri Jan 27, 2012 6:40 AM
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LW1-
"That this was an indication that our friendship must have been fragile to begin with."
Yes, with him, with the thinning of the ice having been gradually worsening for the past two years. And now he's trying to make it look like it was all your fault.
A friendship is not "fragile'" because one of the parties does not appreciate being neglected and brushed off, nor do real friends snub their old buddies, regardless of how big and important they've become.
Whatever happened, it's obvious that your "friend' grew apart, while you still cared. Now he's finally driven the final nail in the coffin, all the while planting the hammer in your hand. No, you were not wrong to address it, as in, "what suddenly makes me so interesting after months and months of the cold shoulder?" A real man, not a wimp, would assume responsibility for losing interest and not try to blame you for it.
Perhaps he was having a nostalgic moment, felt like taking a brief walk down memory lane, expected you to yap and dance around him like a neglected puppy at the return of his master, and is mightly pissed because you did not, and (gasp) dared to call attention to his yurunda instead.
In any case... whatever will be, will be, whatever was, was - put on that Simon & Garfunkel song about the bridge over water and drink one to his health and yours. And then call one of your actual friends.
LW2-
When either of us had to take a bus to visit each other, it was 50-60 minutes between my place and the ex-LOML, and that is in fair weather, and we both live in the same city. And yet we both travelled it countless times. If only a 1/2 hour more seems like the end of the world (literally), I would start wondering if that love story of yours is not of the "out of sight, out of love" kind, as we say in French.
Not all absences make the heart grow fonder. If this really is "it", it will, enough so that you two will find a way to connect. The only distance that is always too great is the one in your heart.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Fri Jan 27, 2012 7:34 AM
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LW1, I think you had a conversation that needed to be had, although perhaps you were a bit more vehement and accusatory than necessary. Some friendships ebb and flow, and it's possible that after a year or so of minimal contact, he was gearing up to get back into the closer, more active friendship you used to have with each other -- but your blunt talk put him on the defensive, and frankly, both of you dug your heels in at that point and a mutual cooperative compromise flew out the window.
I have had some friendships where I saw or spoke with the friend once a week or more frequently, then life changes meant we only spoke or saw each other a few times a year... and then things changed again and we're back to once a week or more. Some friendships do fade, it's true, but some can endure. It's up to you to decide if you want to keep the door open for a possible reconciliation in the future.
LW2: One month is certainly still in the "glow" period, so don't assume too much about the future just yet... but if you are so gung-ho about this relationship, it does seem weird that a 90-minute drive causes you such concern. It's really not that far at all.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Mike H
Fri Jan 27, 2012 7:34 AM
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To both LW1 and LW2, what it boils down to is this:
If two people want to spend time with each other, then they will both ALWAYS find a way to make it happen, no matter the obstacles.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Paul W
Fri Jan 27, 2012 2:05 PM
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LW1: Your letter reminds me of what my friend said to me when she was visiting from Tennessee. Me and my husband took out to dinner and we caught up on our lives. I have known her since I was seven. I love her like a sister. But she expressed dismay at other friends she knew throughout the years and always tried to keep contact with. She said, "Is it because I'm not that good as a friend?! Why is this happening?" I told her that some people simply move on, and that it's nothing personal. We get married, have kids, develop different social circles...but she was still genuinely hurt. I can guarantee the readers, that she is the best friend anyone could ever ask for. That's when I realized that I will never let her go. Sure, we are really, REALLY far away, but she is the same girl I knew from years past. I'm sorry your friend did this, but it's time to accept it and move on. You have my sympathy. For me, I've known this wonderful woman for 36 years, and I appreciate her. You? Develop other friends in your circle. I wish you the best.
Comment: #6
Posted by: happymom
Fri Jan 27, 2012 7:15 PM
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LW2: 1.5 hours away, big deal. Geez so you see him on weekends. I dated my now husband, who lived 2 hours away, without a problem. I was late 20s, he was mid-30s so we did move a bit fast as I moved in with him six months after we started dating (very glad to quit and leave my crappy job that I had been actively job hunting to get out of). We were engaged at four months, I moved 2 months later, and we married 8 months later, about 14 months after we first met. I would drive down to his house pretty much every weekend in the six months before I moved in. He had dogs so coming to me was more difficult, and I also still lived at home as I had a crappy job and no money to move out on my own unless I wanted roommates which I did not. He had a house in a beach community on a river so it was a no brainer to go there.
But yes still together (15 years), 2 great kids. So 90 mins is not a big hurdle at all. Talk on the phone every few days, meet up on the weekends. I was glad of the space. I'd just gotten out of a 2 year relationship about 2 months before I met him, though I was recovered from that, it had been a relaxed relationship where I'd only seen the guy once during the week and on the weekends on Friday and Saturday nights and we lived about 2 miles apart. I really
liked that, especially as my long-term before that (of 5 years) I saw the guy every single day). So space and sense of self had become very important to me, way to easy to lose yourself when you are in a relationship.
Comment: #7
Posted by: L
Sat Jan 28, 2012 10:12 AM
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Honestly, LW1 sounds needy. S/he opens the letter saying her and her BFF used to gab on the phone everyday- while they were in HS and college. Of course they had time and nothing else they could talk however long and often they wanted! But now they both have degrees and jobs in different fields and his life interests have expanded and hers, well, they have not. She still wants to gab on the phone everyday and he has other things to do and people in his circle. So instead of realizing this what does s/he do? She deletes him from Facebook! Oh well look what that resolved.... absolutely nothing. Now he reaches out and says "hey what's up?" and s/he chews him a new @hole. Bottom line, one of these old friends grew up and matured and one didn't and the friendship faltered.
But to answer his/ her question of whether s/he overstepped by confronting him... yes and no. Yes you should have talked with him about your POV. No it should not have been on electronic media, first deleting FB and second texting him instead of dialing the number and talking with him.
Comment: #8
Posted by: It's me
Sat Jan 28, 2012 12:16 PM
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Oops! I meant LW2^^^^^
About LW1, I do work in a hospital and it could be very easy to obtain access to medical records if she is a receptionist or floor clerk. Many larger hospital have converted to electronic medical records so all you have to do is enter a search query, not order the file from the records department. Depending on how shady this person is she could easily say "oh I mistyped a med rec number and accidentally pulled up so-and-so's file". Depending on how often she gets caught and what she uses this information for she could get away with it. I don't think she could for long if it's repeated behavior though. Eventually she will get caught and fired. If the LW is truly concerned that she has very personal information that she does not want to get out she should contact her doctor to see about restricting access to her medical files. But also be aware that simply stating "oh I saw you at the clinic last week" IS a reportable violation of HIPAA and will be investigated.
Comment: #9
Posted by: It's me
Sat Jan 28, 2012 12:35 PM
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re Letter 1:
I think there's more on Old Friend's mind than catching up. If LW had responded to the message in a "Hey, good to hear from you" kind of way, I'm betting that the conversation would have, fairly quickly, turned into "there's something I need and you're just the guy who can get it (do it, find it out) for me. It didn't go that way and Old Friend has no further use for you -- you're dismissed. He probably did the "No problem, I know a guy" routine and now he has to go back to his new friends/colleagues and admit he wasn't able to do what he said he would do. This embarrasses and angers him, so the dismissal is more hostile than you would expect. All you can do is move on.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Lynn
Sun Jan 29, 2012 7:31 AM
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