Dear Margo: I am a 28-year-old woman with a conundrum. I am married to a man I love very much, who says he loves me. However, things are unraveling fast for us. Before we got married, we spoke of all the things we would like to do together — travel, buy a house, make a life for ourselves. Yet, not long after we officially tied the knot, he lost interest in doing any of those things.
Our fifth anniversary is quickly approaching, and he refuses to put a dollar away for a down payment on a house or to plan a trip. When I ask him why, he has no good answers. Even worse, he has lost interest in many of the things he used to love. He won't go anywhere with me, he won't make plans, he doesn't go out with friends, he refuses to spend time with either of our families, and he doesn't even buy me birthday presents anymore. Everything in our lives revolves around him and what he wants, which is just to sit around the house unbothered by anyone's expectations.
I suspect he is depressed, but he refuses to see a counselor or doctor to deal with it. I just want him to be happy again, but I feel my life is deteriorating because I am trying to put his back together. I feel very unloved at the moment because all of the care and support in our marriage comes from me, with nothing given in return. I just want the man I fell in love with and married. It has gotten to the point where he is telling me I can do better than him. So my question is: Should I? — Confused in Kansas City
Dear Con: I agree that he is depressed, and I also think you need not stick around for this drama if he refuses to get help. I would give him a choice: either/or.
If you can't help someone (or convince him to help himself), there is no reason to ruin two lives. I share with you a saying that has served me well: All you can do is all you can do. Good luck. — Margo, forwardly
What To Do When People Put You in the Middle
Dear Margo: I work in a small office of a dozen people, most of whom are transient employees who come and go every few years. I and two other women, "Liz" and "Miranda," are the only permanent employees. Liz and Miranda have worked together for a number of years and truly detest one another. I started a few months ago and get along with both of them, though I'm not sure for how much longer. Both of them complain endlessly to me about the other, often on a daily basis. I listen sympathetically, but there's only so much I can take. They both think I'm on their "side," but I think they both need an attitude adjustment. What can I say to them so they stop using me to vent? They are quite immature, and I'm afraid they'll instantly resent me and make work even less pleasant. The sad thing is that I'm decades younger than these women, yet I often feel like the only adult! — Punching Bag in Canada
Dear Punch: I am especially sympathetic to workplace problems in a small office because there is really no place to hide. Too bad these babes are not among the transients, but there you are. I would recommend that the next time you are the designated Dr. Phil, just say that you feel uncomfortable and unqualified to offer advice about their particular problem. If you're feeling really bold, you could suggest to one, or both, that perhaps relocating to another job might provide the solution. — Margo, tactically
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
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