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Dreams of "What If?"
Dear Margo: I'm a 20-something woman engaged to the best man I've ever known. I am beyond ecstatic to be getting married. My problem has nothing to do with him and everything to do with a guy who was one of my best friends in college. This guy and I …Read more.
Afraid of Little Girls
Dear Margo: Between the ages of 6 and 10, I was severely bullied, but I was given the impression by grownups that such behavior was perfectly normal for children and I shouldn't be so sensitive. (I now realize they probably did not pay attention to …Read more.
Every Problem Does Not Have a Solution
Dear Margo: Many years ago, I got a call informing me that my son was arrested and being held on $1 million bail. That was when I first learned that he is a pedophile.
He has just completed his 20-year prison sentence, and during that time I learned …Read more.
When You Live on a One-Way Street
Dear Margo: My patience has run out with the three living members of my family. My father, his mother and my brother have gone through periods of not talking to each other or to me. My brother wants nothing to do with my father or our grandmother, …Read more.
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A Modern Cinderella
Dear Margo: I was raised in a "unique" family. My mother passed away when I was young, and I was raised by my stepfather and his new wife. These "parents" raised me — as in, they allowed me to live with them and provided me with the necessities and emotional support if I pleaded for it. Ours was a large and varied family, and I was lost in the shuffle. Now I'm in my mid 30s and am happily married with a successful career and two kids of my own. My problem is that my parents rarely want anything to do with my family or me. They often do things with my other siblings (their biological children), yet I'm rarely invited. I used to contact them to initiate get-togethers, but it was never reciprocated, so I stopped.
I recognize that they raised me, but I just can't help feeling hurt and disappointed that they don't want to spend any time together. Should I continue to make an effort and take whatever little bit of a relationship I can squeeze out of them, or should I give up, focus on my immediate family and accept that I lost any parent I may have had when my biological mother died? — Stepdaughter
Dear Step: This is a sad situation, and the meaning is that not everyone has a big heart. The reality is that you were young when you lost your mother, and she was married to a man who no doubt felt burdened by a youngster he "inherited," and real emotion never jelled. When he remarried, the woman he chose was a quart low in the compassion department, as well. So that's the situation.
I would indeed stop the overtures and let your friends be your family. With luck, you might stumble onto an older couple who could fill the position of grandparents for your kids. Therapy might help you integrate the situation and understand that there is nothing wrong with you and what happened was just a bum break. For whatever it's worth, some biological kids experience this situation — and worse. I wish you well. — Margo, forwardly
No One Need Stay Married Forever
Dear Margo: I am a 24-year-old male who's been going through a pretty tough time for quite a while. I'm a former serviceman who got married during my military tour. While I was still in, I had to be away for a period of two weeks, unable to leave my command. I was able to call my wife every day when my daily shifts were over, and everything seemed to be OK. However, when I was finally able to return home, the house was cleaned out, except for my uniforms and very few other objects. A letter was on the counter stating she had left for her home state to be with another man. Six months later, I was discharged and returned to my own home state. All of this happened three years ago.
Since then, we have been in limited contact via email, and every time the topic of divorce comes up, she gets dodgy and disappears for weeks if not months. At one point, she sent me a package of divorce papers from the state we were married in, and I filled them out on my end and sent them back to the state's court system. However, nothing happened with the proceedings. I again filed for divorce through my home state and had her "served." She blatantly refused to answer them, and the courts will do nothing until she does. What can I do? I need to move on. — Broken Heart in Michigan
Dear Broke: I don't know how things work in Michigan, but many states now have remedies for spouses who will not respond to divorce papers. Often "abandonment" kicks in after one year apart. I suggest you contact a lawyer for guidance in securing your divorce. — Margo, hopefully
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via the online form at www.creators.com/dearmargo. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
COPYRIGHT 2011 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS.COM
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Comments
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21 Comments | Post Comment
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LW1-
Ooooh boy, does this ever strike home.
When my mother died in the fire along with my brother, I was the only survivor. My father's girlfriend was already pregnant by him, so there was a gunshot afternoon wedding in a short dress. I was the ghost of marriage past and fed, clothed... and shoved in a corner like a piece of unwanted furniture. You evidently went through a version of the same.
In my case also, they have nice family activities all together from which I'm excluded. I don't have any behavioural problems, so there is no excuse. I'm just not part of the family.They remember me at Christmas time and for large family gatherings, like they would remember a distant cousin.
"Should I give up, focus on my immediate family?"
Yes and no. Do focus on your immediate family and friends, and be happy you found a husband who makes you happy - I wasn't so lucky. But do not cut off contact completely. Remember them at Christmas and for large family gatherings, like mine do for me, so that your children are not completely orphaned. But yes, "accept that you lost any parent you may have had when your biological mother died". That's pretty much how *I* feel.
There is always a double loss when someone is being shut out, yours and theirs. Unfortunately, you're the only one feeling that loss because they don't care. You can't make someone love you... but how sad that your father agrees with this, and doesn't see what he's losing.
LW2-
What, not even a "Dear John" letter? She wants to dump you for another man, and yet refuses you a divorce. What a skunk. I know you're heartbroken, but count your blessings that if THIS was going to happen, that at least it did before you had any children together. Or worse, that she foisted another man's child on you. What Margo said.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sat Dec 24, 2011 5:59 PM
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LW1--As painful as it might be, it's time to accept that your family is dead. Your step-father and his wife were never your parents; they did the bare minimum (which you should be grateful for as they could have dumped you onto the State.) I agree with Margo in that stop trying to force a square peg into a round hole. Your family isn't going to suddenly come around and be the warm and compassionate people you want them to be. They're cold, aloof and have all the warmth of a snowdrift in Antarctica. Family is more than blood.
LW2--Your wife is enjoying her playtime while stringing you along. She's under the mistaken impression that once she tires of her flings and parties, she can come crawling back to you and you'll welcome her with open arms. Take Margo's advice: get a lawyer. Make sure you also take your "wife" for whatever you're due.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Chris
Sat Dec 24, 2011 8:07 PM
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LW2: She doesn't need to "answer" your divorce pleadings for you to obtain a divorce. You need an attorney to help you obtain a default judgment in Michigan. It's better for a family law attorney to prepare a default judgment, since they have to be technically perfect for the court to accept and enter it.
Comment: #3
Posted by: angoradeb
Sat Dec 24, 2011 9:42 PM
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LW2: See a divorce lawyer immediately and file for divorce. Your lawyer will tell you how to do this with an uncooperative spouse. As long as you are legally married, if she has a child you can be held responsible for child support and you can be pursued for reimbursement if she applies for state assistance, whether you are the biological father or not. This isn't something you can just ignore.
Comment: #4
Posted by: LouisaFinnell
Sat Dec 24, 2011 9:43 PM
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Broke should contact an attorney about having the divorce papers served by public notice.
Had to do that myself when I couldn't pin down my first husband.
Comment: #5
Posted by: moon
Sun Dec 25, 2011 8:43 AM
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The Cinderella tale is an old one. My Father married a woman with a son. They had a nice cabin they no longer wanted. They offered it to her son for free but to me a much higher price he sold it to a stranger for. He had a rental home, same story. He offered it to her son for free but to me for twice the price he sold it to a stranger for. I still see him now and then but I know my place is yesterday's trash and that is fine with me.
My mother died and after that I noticed that unless I called and siblings and went there, it wasn't happening so I stopped. Needless to say it has been years since seeing them and that is fine with me. Holidays and special events are for those who notice I am still alive and care. Just becase there is a connection by blood means squat. My church family and my wife's family wouldn't leave us alone if we wanted them to.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Mark
Sun Dec 25, 2011 9:22 AM
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LW2: Get in gear and do what the others said. I feel bad for you, but I can't believe you've been willing to let your ex fuck you over for 3 years.
Comment: #7
Posted by: DaveG
Sun Dec 25, 2011 4:13 PM
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LW1: It's normal to feel hurt and betrayed but it's not normal to keep expecting something from them that they have never wanted to give. I don't understand why you haven't moved on already.
LW2: Don't waste money on a lawyer. I'm sure Margo can afford one but since she hasn't offered to pay for yours ignore that bit of advice. Do some research on the internet and find out what your next step is. Have you considered an annulment? Don't sit around waiting for someone to tell you what to do. Your county website should have instructions as well.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Diana
Sun Dec 25, 2011 5:02 PM
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LW1-my parents, both bio, have lately only come to visit me when one of them happens to have a doctor appointment in my town or when my mom needs to shop at Sam's Club (they only live an hour away). I'm not sure what I've done to deserve this. Today was Christmas and I almost spent it in tears. Worse, I've come to realize how narcisstic my mother really is. I'm ready to look for jobs on the opposite side of the U.S. and just move the whole family.
Sorry, people, I needed to get that off my chest. Right now, I'm trying to concentrate on my own family and create the atmosphere of unconditional love I didn't experience. Plus, I'll be seeing the doctor this week to discuss the possibility that I'm experiencing depression. I suggest LW1 do the same.
Comment: #9
Posted by: LibraryKat
Sun Dec 25, 2011 7:58 PM
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LibraryKat, I'm sorry to hear that you're so sad. I send you a hug,Kat.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Michael
Sun Dec 25, 2011 9:55 PM
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Many of us parents have adult kids who have "moved on," choosing to spend holidays with the other parent or with friends or in-laws. I wish there were a match.com for us, so we could meet these adult kids who would like parents who care. There's plenty of room in our hearts and our homes, so look around and you'll find people only too willing to love you.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Editoranne
Sun Dec 25, 2011 10:25 PM
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LW1 (and LibraryKat) After my dad died my sister and her family started excuding me from family things like Christmas. I would invite myself the first couple of years but then decided to wait for an invitation, which never came. They received their Christmas gifts Thursday and Friday (you can track deliveries on the internet). What did I receive from them, zip, nada. Not even a thank you call. Am I surprized? No. Am I upset? No, because I am filled with the love and joy I have shared with my friends and husband in this holy season. It has taken time to let go of any expectations of my family and how they 'should' behave. Hopefully, in time, you will be able to, also. Best wishes to you.
Comment: #12
Posted by: Claudia
Sun Dec 25, 2011 11:14 PM
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@Michael, thanks!
@Claudia, I'm not that close to my brother, either. My dad doesn't visit as much because he is still working. He'll be retiring soon but I doubt he will come without my mother (she'd have a fit if he did but she always seems to have more important things to do).
I've already started to draw boundaries in order to protect myself and I'm not going walk on eggshells, afraid that she's going to get offended. It's only taken me over 20 years but I'll get the hang of it at some point.
Comment: #13
Posted by: LibraryKat
Mon Dec 26, 2011 5:15 AM
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Re: LibraryKat
Sorry youlre going through that. "I've come to realize how narcisstic my mother really is" - that really is the crux of the matter. It has nothing to do with you or anything you've done, it has to do with the fact that the woman is defective as human being and cannot give what she doesn't have - caring feelings for anyone.
Concentrate indeed on your own friends and family and on creating your own traditions, and just forget about her. Yes, I know - easier said than done... and yes, it takes a while to get the hang of it.
And a Merry Christmas (one day late) to you too, and hey, WE like you!
Comment: #14
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Mon Dec 26, 2011 4:11 PM
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LW2: if you have access to military counsel (legal or emotional) please contact them ASAP about your situation. It my understanding that VA services are for life at free or reduced prices. Your estranged wife may be hesitant to sign the papers because she may, known or unknown to you, be receiving support money from your service. The military will not take this issue lightly. Even if this is not the case talk with a family lawyer ASAP. This is NOT a do-it-yourself thing anymore. You need professional mediator. Be frank and open with them and document everything you have done and do from now on concerning this matter. If you take action you will not be doomed to suffer a life term. Good luck!
Comment: #15
Posted by: It's me
Mon Dec 26, 2011 5:11 PM
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Re: LibraryKat
I am so sorry that your parents are so unfeeling towards you, and that it caused you so much pain on Christmas. I hope that the love of your husband and two little boys can comfort you.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Comment: #16
Posted by: JMG
Tue Dec 27, 2011 6:51 AM
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Lise B.- thanks!
JMG-My dad isn't that bad, I just don't think he realizes what's going on. If he did, he'd be very upset. My mom is the one who coordinates the visits and she'll never admit she's in the wrong. I do love my parents and I know they love me. Unfortunately, my mom seems to care more about everyone else's opinion of her and my dad feels he has to support his wife. Luckily, he usually understands when he hears my side. I've just got to come to terms with the fact that my mom will never change.
Thank you for your kind words. Merry Christmas to you all and a Happy New Year!
Comment: #17
Posted by: LibraryKat
Tue Dec 27, 2011 6:35 PM
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Dear LW2, Did it ever occur to you that she is just hanging on hoping to get a share of your military benefits? She may (mistakenly?) believe that if you are married for a certain length of time, she can collect your benefits. If you want to protect your assets, I'd advise you to find a lawyer and do whatever you need to do to make sure that those papers are filed and your divorce is finalized. This sounds like a play for your benefits/assets/money to me.
Comment: #18
Posted by: beth
Fri Dec 30, 2011 6:54 AM
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Re: beth
Sure makes sense to me. Elementary, my dear Watson.
Comment: #19
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sat Dec 31, 2011 7:54 AM
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LW1: It's possible that your stepfather and step-stepmother found you too much of a reminder of your mother. There are friends and relatives of my deceased husband that find me very difficult to be around because I remind them of someone who is gone.
Comment: #20
Posted by: partsmom
Sun Jan 1, 2012 5:01 PM
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Re: partsmom
Oh, definitely, and that was exactly the case with me. I was the ghost of marriage past and the reminder of his guilt. That is no excuse to neglect a child.
Comment: #21
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Mon Jan 2, 2012 12:08 PM
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