Recently
Jumping the Relationship Gun
Dear Annie: Last month, an old boyfriend contacted me. I hadn't seen "Bud" in 30 years. We had a wonderful conversation. I visited him at his home. He even sent me a large sum of money to help pay off a mortgage bill. We now talk at least …Read more.
Trusting Cheaters
Dear Annie: I'm in my early 20s and have been dating "Aidan" for a year. He attends college two hours away. He doesn't socialize much and stresses a lot about his grades. His only real friend is "Cara," a girl we went to high …Read more.
Bare Naked Mommies
Dear Annie: I am becoming excessively annoyed by a new trend I'm seeing with my friends who have recently become parents — the "naked mommy."
I'm 27 and have not yet had children. Several of my friends are having their second or …Read more.
The Long Trip to Tenuous
Dear Annie: My father and I have never had the best relationship. He was domineering, controlling and verbally abusive to me as a teenager, and as a result, I rebelled and did things specifically to irritate him. Several times, he kicked me out of …Read more.
more articles
|
Trapped in Abusive Relationship
Dear Annie: My good friend "Ben" met "Kim" during his first week as a freshman at college. Three weeks later, Ben called to tell me they were getting married in a month. Both of their families were shocked.
Ben is usually a sensible guy, but since he met Kim, he has been unpredictable and seems brainwashed. He is hurt when his friends and family tell him that rushing into marriage with someone he barely knows is not a good idea. I resolved to trust Ben's judgment — until I met Kim. She clearly has serious mental and emotional problems. The first day we met, she told me elaborate personal stories from her childhood that clearly were made up.
Ben was crazy about Kim when they first met, but now he seems embarrassed, and I'd even characterize his reaction as "trapped." Kim recently announced that she is pregnant, and Ben now feels obligated to marry her. But I don't trust anything she says. Kim clings to Ben 24/7 and controls his life. I suspect he wants to get out of the engagement, but he's a little afraid of her. He won't confide in anyone, but I can tell he's struggling. What can I do? They are both 19, and I'm afraid this girl is going to ruin his life before it starts. — Distraught Best Friend
Dear Distraught: This sounds like emotional abuse. The combination of being away from home, starting college and meeting an exciting girl didn't give Ben a chance to catch his breath. If you think he's having second thoughts, please let him know he doesn't need to rush into anything, no matter what the circumstances are. Even if there is a baby, he can fulfill his obligations as a father without marrying a girl who seems unstable. Don't badmouth Kim, but do encourage Ben to talk to a college counselor. Remind him that this is his future and he should take whatever time he needs to get it right.
Dear Annie: We live in the same town as my husband's brother, and he frequently stops over for short visits. That's fine, except he makes himself a little too comfortable. During each visit, he opens the fridge or pantry and helps himself to whatever he wants. He even has opened a bottle of wine and poured himself a glass. He never asks whether it's OK with us.
If we are eating when he stops by, we always offer to feed him, but I think it's rude that he simply helps himself to whatever he wants without first asking. Am I wrong? How should I handle the situation? — Fed Up
Dear Fed Up: It's sweet that your brother-in-law feels so welcome in your home that he raids your refrigerator, but obviously, it's too much, too often. Ask your husband to speak to his brother and explain that you love him, but you are the ones who buy the groceries. Simple consideration requires that he ask before taking anything and occasionally replace whatever he grabs.
Dear Annie: I must say you blew it with "Standing My Ground as the Bad Aunt," whose nephew's girlfriend probably stole $170 from them. This young lady should be interrogated about the obvious facts and held accountable. As it stands now, she must feel she got away with it, which will only fuel the fires in her thieving mind. At the very least, she should be aware that everyone knows she is a crook who is not welcome at the scene of her crime. — Lance
Dear Lance: Many readers wanted the girlfriend raked over the coals, but the nephew's parents specifically asked that "Bad Aunt" let the theft slide because their son had been seriously ill and they didn't want to upset him. The aunt agreed to this. The opportunity to question the girl has passed, and "Aunt's" choices now are to lock up the valuables or keep the girl, the nephew and the nephew's parents out of their home indefinitely. It's not an easy choice.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2012 CREATORS.COM
|
 |
Comments
|
32 Comments | Post Comment
|
|
LW1: Your friend is 19. He is an ADULT. He made the choice to have sex with this woman, and whether or not you think she's a psychopath, he's made his bed, now he has to lie in it.
Now if he's not a "friend" and he's you? Pay attention to what the Annies say. Talk to a lawyer, get a paternity test, work out a plan.
LW2: Why did this letter remind me of a Bill Murray movie? I have this image of some guy showing his crack while digging through the fridge. At any rate, the Annies are right here, it's your husband's battle. Have him talk to his brother.
LW3: Holy mackeral! Vindictive much? The girl was in the same house as cash and other people were involved and you want her interogated? YIKES! Well, it takes all kinds, I guess.
Comment: #1
Posted by: nanchan
Sun Jan 8, 2012 9:12 PM
|
|
|
|
LW1-
We've been through this before...
Whirlwind courtships are usually the hallmak of controlling relationships, but... there isn't much you can do is Ben allows himself to be trapped. She's not holding a gun to his head, she hasn't tied him up yet, he would be free to walk away if that is what he wanted. Apparently, he's not there yet, and you can't make him.
And now she may be pregnant. This in itself would not be an obligation to marry her (this is not the 40's anymore), as he can take his responsibilies without putting a ring on her finger, but... again, you have no control over how he decides to handle that. Whatever you can tell about him struggling, and perhaps wanting to end the engagement is pointless if he won't confide in anyone.
I know how frustrating this can be - trust me, I DO know. You may want to try talking to him again - gently and in a non-confrontational way, along the lines the Annies suggested. But don't expect much. You've tried this before and it didn't do much good. What can you do? Very little, but DO let him know you're there for him when he needs... frankly, that is pretty much ALL you can do.
P.S.: "They are both 19, and I'm afraid this girl is going to ruin his life before it starts."
Unless he stays with her for the next 60 years (which would be his choice), she's not gonna ruin his life. He's young enough to afford a few mistakes, so don't worry about that.
LW2-
Yes, he is being rude - as far as your standards are concerned. This being stated, how does your husband react to this? It may be very much par for the course in your husband's family, and the indication that he feels at ease in your home. In the same way that one person's trash is someone else's treasure, one person's insult is another's compliment.
Unless his behaviour is imposing a financial hardship, I would let it go. This is not a big deal. Keep an eye on his raiding, and if he's pilfering something you need for a recipe, just chime in with a smile and laughter in your (soft) voice, "Hey-hey-hey, not that, I need it to make (whatever)". Successful marriages are tricky enough - choose your battles. This doesn't look like a deal-breaker to me.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sun Jan 8, 2012 9:44 PM
|
|
|
|
Why do people assume when an unstable woman says she's in a family way she's lying? If he stuck it in her, it's possible. Which brings me to my second point: Why oh WHY do men keep sticking it in the crazy without a condom on?! Honestly they shouldn't be sticking it in the crazy period but if they must, wear a freaking condom, that they purchased themselves, and kept on their body to avoid holes being popped in it. Gah.
Comment: #3
Posted by: wkh
Sun Jan 8, 2012 10:19 PM
|
|
|
|
LW1 – Ahhh, young *love*. Not unusual for Ben to be smitten with Kim. Problem is three weeks into a relationship people tend to be on their best behavior. A lesson to young couples – always use protection!!! The true personality will eventually come out, I am not saying that everyone is perfect, I am saying that three weeks is not nearly enough time to determine whether you can live a life-time with the imperfections that are bound to surface.
You already saw the trouble on the first day you met Kim, but you were not enraptured with lust. Ben was not ready to see clearly the true person Kim is. Now, it might be too late, given that Kim in now pregnant (is that why the rush to the alter?).
Let's presume Kim was not already pregnant, and is not planning for a premature baby situation. In this day and age, pregnancy does not immediately constitute a shot-gun wedding. Try to have a man-to-man conversation with Ben. Perhaps he is not thinking clearly, and has not considered HIS options in this situation (or, he doesn't think he has any). If Ben is determined to marry Kim, be a good friend to him. Sounds like he is going to need one!
LW2 – I actually like my friends coming over and not treating me like a hostess, but taking care of themselves. Yes, that means going to the refrigerator and helping themselves. I guess that is just the way I was raised, you have different feelings regarding your BIL. You forgot to mention how your husband (his brother) feels about this. Family is family, and petty irritancies (like opening up a bottle of wine) is possibly just your pet peeve, not your husband's. How shortsighted of the Annies to presume that you are the one who buys the groceries – what century do we live in? Sure, talk to Hubby, and ensure he buys enough for his brother, would that help you, or is it just the feeling of someone invading your home, and taking what is not offered? Some families do that, some don't. Yours apparently not, your husband may have some kind of close relationship with his brother, and this has been a behavior that has been going on longer than your marriage.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Jenna
Sun Jan 8, 2012 10:41 PM
|
|
|
|
LW1: Tell Ben's parents about your misgivings: there is an opportunity here to have the truth come out, if Ben's parents get a little overbearing and insist on them ALL going to the OB/GYN with Kim. Ben should go because he may be a dad, and his mom/parents can go because they're 'excited' about their grandchild. It is pretty early for someone to think she's pregnant, so Ben's mom can ask questions while sounding enthusiastic about Kim joining the family. I think if there's enough direct pressure on Kim about being pregnant, about finding out how far along she is (if she's pregnant at all), etc. the family will learn a lot. And Ben's parents have good reason to call Kim's mom about "preparations" to find out as much as they can. Ben's mom is going to have to be a little more pushy than she's comfortable with, perhaps, like insisting on seeing the pregnancy results so she can 'tell her friends', etc.
LW3: "Dude, this isn't Mom's house, this is OUR house!! You don't just come help yourself to stuff, and for sure you don't open bottles of wine without asking. If you come over you can have a soft drink and chips, but after that, you have to ask. You ate all the sandwich meat and used all the bread the other day, and we didn't have anything to make Justin's school lunch the next morning. And you drank the bottle of wine that we were going to take as a housewarming gift. Nothing stops you from going to the 7-11 and getting a snack, so either you're lazy, or cheap, or just rude. Whatever it is, knock it off!!" (My MIL has 5 kids, and none of them would think of going to her fridge and helping themselves, much less rooting around in a sibling's kitchen, and they're an informal family. On the other hand, my adult daughter helps herself to whatever is around, and we don't think anything of it. She's never opened a bottle without asking, though, and she certainly wouldn't take the last soda/cookie/whatever.)
Comment: #5
Posted by: angoradeb
Mon Jan 9, 2012 12:19 AM
|
|
|
|
Re: wkh
Reminds me of what my dad always said: "Never fork anyone crazier than you are." Think of all the time, grief, aggravation and restraining orders that saves!!!
Comment: #6
Posted by: angoradeb
Mon Jan 9, 2012 12:22 AM
|
|
|
|
Re: Jenna
I agree that every family is different about this kind of thing: some people head straight for the kitchen to see if there's anything good. I bake a lot so I would expect family to be looking for a nibble. They wouldn't just help themselves to the wine, though. Even if there's a bottle that's open, you don't know if someone's going to use it to make dinner. And I'd be so bent if someone bagged a $50 bottle of something special: what one person may love, another may think is just a glass of wine, and you could re-direct them to another bottle. Most people who cook know what's in their fridge, so they'd be annoyed that the leftover roast that was going to be tacos that night had disappeared. I think even I would get annoyed with someone who helped himself every single time, though. I just think that guys think 'ah, it's not rude, it's family'--as they eat you out of house and home :-D
Comment: #7
Posted by: angoradeb
Mon Jan 9, 2012 12:43 AM
|
|
|
|
LW1-I've seen this before. He's not used to the freedom you have in college, and he's probably not used tot he people he meets there. The best thing you can do is tell your friend that marriage is a two-way street; both spouses have to show respect for each other. Then tell him that if he needs nelp, to call you fist thing, and you won't be judgemental (I hope his family told him the same thing.)
As for Kim, take her out to lunch, and when she's let her guard down, tell her calmly that you're not convinced by her lies, and that you know her stories are made up, and that you know she's a fraud.
You could also find out where she lived before and contact a local private investigator. They can find out if she was ever jailed, placed in a mental hospital, threratened suicide, has any other children, etc. You can contact the local social services or CPS and talk to them. If she's pregnant, there's a chance she might hurt the hcild and blame it on him.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Donald
Mon Jan 9, 2012 3:13 AM
|
|
|
|
LW1 - Ben is an adult who is learning the hard way the consequences of his actions. I think the best thing you can do is to tell him that he seems stressed so maybe he should talk to one of the counselors in his college. If he won't and insists on marrying Kim, there really isn't any more you can do except be a friend to him. Don't shut him out if he marries Kim. Continue to be his friend without judging her or trashing her.
LW2 - Ask your husband to have a talk with his brother. If he won't, perhaps the next time he opens the fridge, you can say, "Is there something I can get for you?" in a slighly annoyed tone. But I also like Lise's suggestion of saying, "Oh, no, I need that for a recipe."
Comment: #9
Posted by: Michelle
Mon Jan 9, 2012 3:27 AM
|
|
|
|
i think lise nailed the first two letters perfectly so there is no need for me to repeat what she said. i [this time] agree with the annies on the third letter, except that they didn't go far enough. since the aunt didn't call the police immediately upon discovering the loss at the request of the parents, perhaps the parents should be asked to 'share the loss'. in today's economy, $170 is a big bite out of a budget. having said that, i am reminded of being accused, as a teen, with stealing money off the kitchen table. the money was later found, having been blown aside by a breeze from the open window. i hope auntie searched everywhere before thinking she was robbed.
Comment: #10
Posted by: alien07110
Mon Jan 9, 2012 4:19 AM
|
|
|
|
LW1 Give him the book "Emotional Blackmail" by Susan Forward. It is excellent and he might clear up the fog in his brain.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Sprint
Mon Jan 9, 2012 4:31 AM
|
|
|
|
LW1: Steer Ben towards a marriage counselor for pre-marital counseling. You can say things like, "All responsible couples do it before tying the knot!" Other than that..... You can't make decisions for your friends.
LW2: Move your unopened wine somewhere else or consider investing in a lockable bar. A lockable bar can be as inexpensive as a two drawer filing cabinet that has been re-purposed.
Alternatively, since Ben feels close enough to you and your husband to help himself to your kitchen, say, with a smile, "Ben, dear, I'd prefer it if you asked before opening a bottle of wine. I often have one open all ready."
Comment: #12
Posted by: Shannon
Mon Jan 9, 2012 6:47 AM
|
|
|
|
Re, Shannon's advice about getting them to see a marriage counsellor--I think that's the best advice yet! And bravo to the Annies for bringing up the fact that this young man might be being abused--especially if he seems "afraid" of Kim. People are finally starting to realize that domestic and other abuse goes two ways, not one.
Comment: #13
Posted by: Jane
Mon Jan 9, 2012 7:09 AM
|
|
|
|
re LW1 - I second Jane, Shannon I think your advice re the marriage counselor was dead-on.
@WKH - "Why do people assume when an unstable woman says she's in a family way she's lying? " I agree with you in principle, but some women DO pretend to be pregnant to manipulate men. Plus, the LW already felt this woman was a liar BEFORE she claimed to be pregnant. If he already thinks she is a hot mess, it wouldn't be a stretch to believe she made up the pregnancy. As Angoradeb suggested - Ben definitely needs to attend those OB/GYN appointments. If Kim is being shady about the dates and times, then that should give him a clue. In addition, he should stop having sex with her - especially unprotected sex- because even if she wasn't pregnant when she made the announcement she is probably working over-time to make it happen after the fact.
Comment: #14
Posted by: sharnee
Mon Jan 9, 2012 7:53 AM
|
|
|
|
RE; Shannon's advice suggesting premarital counseling.
Absolutely! Perfect. Many churches won't marry couples unless they do premarital counseling anyways. I had a very heated discussion about this a few years back with a friend of mine who was upset that a church would not marry her daughter without the marital counseling. My point to her, was, why are you against it? I look at premarital counseling kind of like I look at driver's ed classes. it won't make you a better person, but it will make you more aware, which is very important. And it would be so good if we could make parenting seminars a part of the prenatal check ups as well.
Fantastic post and great suggestion!
Comment: #15
Posted by: nanchan
Mon Jan 9, 2012 8:28 AM
|
|
|
|
LW1 - Here's what you do. Tell Ben once that you're concerned. Recommend pre-marital counselling and anything else you can think of. Let him know you're there for him and then drop it. Looks like Ben is going to have to learn the hard way and get whacked in the nuts with a clue-by-four before it sinks in. Nothing else you can do about it.
LW2 - It may be your husbands brother but it's your issue. You talk to him. I don't go along with the blood relative always has to be the communicator. Your husband didn't write the letter: you did. Talk. You're a big girl.
LW3 - When people are ill or having a rough time we should always keep bad news from them and pretend everything is okay. Yeah. That's good.
Comment: #16
Posted by: Rick
Mon Jan 9, 2012 8:50 AM
|
|
|
|
LW2: Tell him yourself! What is the problem here? When my bro-in-law pissed me off (and that happened frequently) I told him so. I did not need my husband to speak for me! Geez people, what is so hard about that? Did I piss him off?, probably, do I care?, NO, I'm not married to him and my hubby knows he deserves whatever he gets. One day I made him so mad he stopped for a long time. What did I do? His name is Pat, so I just went off with the Saturday Night Live character androgynous Pat. But I digress, SPEAK UP, like the old King, you have a voice. I actually like him now and he knows how far he can go with me.
Comment: #17
Posted by: Elaine Bebow
Mon Jan 9, 2012 9:33 AM
|
|
|
|
My husband and 4 kids and I live in the same town as our siblings and we get together informally about every weekend with some of them, usually at our house. Even if they drop by unannounced I would be horrified if they thought they had to ask for refreshments. They are family-I want them at home in our house, even if it makes life a little less convenient for me. If it's that big a deal to you, ask your hubby to shop after brother visits and replace anything missing. Easy enough.
Comment: #18
Posted by: farrar sanchez
Mon Jan 9, 2012 10:06 AM
|
|
|
|
LW2: one of the things I learned about dealing with difficult brothers-in-law is to not argue with them, just to say what I thoughtpolitely and shut up. Very often it would sink in slowly, and in a couple of weeks he'd be quoting what I said to other people.
LW1: Ben definitely needs to get not only the results on a pregnancy test but a DNA test at some point; I have known similar cases where the girl was looking to grab a husband because she was already pregnant.
Comment: #19
Posted by: partsmom
Mon Jan 9, 2012 10:06 AM
|
|
|
|
My 15 year old nephew visited overnight with my parents over his Christmas break from school. After he left, my parents got a call from their bank, the credit fraud department, alerting them to $700 worth of charges from an online gaming company.
The charges started on the day my nephew arrived and luckily, my parents were able to stop any more charges and are not legally responsible for any already charged. My parents have never played online games. My nephew is practically glued to the tv or computer and when he was eight, as a prank on my father, he locked the computer with a password made up by skimming his hand over the keyboard, so not even he knew what the password actually was. To get around the double password entry, he cut and pasted the previous one. To say he is a trial is an understatement.
The bank called the sheriff and my parents agreed immediately to an investigation and if it came down to it, to charge their grandson with fraud and theft. My nephew won't admit he did it and sulked in his room for a few days and weakly protested that he didn't do it to the police. "Why won't you believe me?" he whined to his father.
Personally he seems more upset that people don't believe him rather than being accused of something he didn't do. He won't willingly let anyone examine his computer. The sheriff's office is going to have to seize his phone and laptop and have it analyzed by a tech expert, it is so locked up. His parents did take both away from him, but he managed to somehow get around them.
He turned up my thermostat during a summer visit when he was nine and heated our house to 90 degrees. It was 98 degrees outside at the time and we didn't have air conditioning. No one slept because our house took a few days to completely cool down. Even six years later, he won't admit he did it.
He has been diagnosed with a behavioral disorder and my parents are hoping the charges will force him into counseling. My former BIL has custody of him and didn't make him take his medication or go to counseling. Personally, I think my BIL is waiting for his 18th birthday to kick him out of the house. There is no way my nephew is going to graduate from high school without drastic measures. My sister had to send him to his father because of the chaos my nephew was causing to his sister and step-brother.
I'm pretty happy my parents are sticking to their guns, even if it means my nephew goes to juvenile hall. I can't imagine letting someone get away with theft and dishonesty for any reason.
Comment: #20
Posted by: Chelle
Mon Jan 9, 2012 10:52 AM
|
|
|
|
Annie, I disagree with your statement concerning Ben in which you say, "Even if there is a baby, he can fulfill his obligations as a father without marrying a girl who seems unstable." It is impossible for a father to adequately fulfill his obligations unless he is living with his child. A baby's need for a full-time father takes precedence over the father's own needs, particularly when the mother is unstable. If Ben is in fact the father's child, he should marry the mother and strive to be the best husband and father he can be.
Comment: #21
Posted by: C Rigsby
Mon Jan 9, 2012 1:56 PM
|
|
|
|
@nanchan -- like you and others, I agree that suggesting premarital counseling to "Ben" is an excellent idea (though I wouldn't be surprised if "Kim" finds a way to talk him out of it). But I wanted to address something you mentioned in your response. You said you had a friend who was upset that a church wouldn't marry her daughter without premarital counseling, first, and that you couldn't understand why, since premarital counseling is (at best) a good thing and (at worst) a harmless thing.
While I generally agree with the idea that premarital counseling is a good thing, I can tell you why your friend was upset about this. While many churches offer some truly wonderful, non-denominational counseling programs, some churches use the premarital counseling requirement as an attempt to indoctrinate the couple (in particular, if one half of the couple is a member of a different religion) and can actually use it as a means of "bullying" the couple out of marriage if one half of the couple is a different religion. In some cases, the couple has to agree that their future children will be raised in the church -- for a lot of couples, this can be a real sticking point, and churches know that and use that as either a wedge to divide them or a means of getting the "other half" to join them. I don't believe this is MOST churches, but it DOES happen.
Having said that, it's the church's right to determine parameters/requirements for someone to get married there. Since there is no law that a couple has to get married in a church, I don't really have a problem with this. If they were truly in a position to keep someone from getting married, that would be different, but as it stands, you can get married just about anywhere, so if you don't like the church's requirements, you can get married somewhere else.
* TMI ALERT *
My SIL wanted to get married in the Catholic church to which her parents belonged. The problem: my brother is not Catholic -- in fact, with her Jewish father, his Catholic mother (neither of whom practices their respective faiths), my brother minored in theology, and after all that, he determined there was no God and is a card-carrying atheist. But he didn't mind getting married where his now-wife of almost 20 years wanted to get married. There was a whole rigmarole of things they needed to do in order to be married there, and he didn't mind that, either. But then they wanted to interview our parents, and by the way, they had to agree to be interviewed SEPARATELY, just to make sure they would say the same thing even if they didn't hear what the other had to say. Upon hearing about that, my brother was highly annoyed. My parents agreed to do it and said it was really no big deal, and in the end, that's what they did. But my brother said to his wife, "you know, this is ridiculous, particularly as you don't even agree with the Catholic church on a LOT of things and haven't been a practicing Catholic for years."
Comment: #22
Posted by: Lisa
Mon Jan 9, 2012 1:58 PM
|
|
|
|
@C Rigsby -- No, if the mother is unstable, the father should seek full custody of the children. He doesn't have to marry her and be miserable with her for the rest of his life. That doesn't really help anyone in the end.
Comment: #23
Posted by: Lisa
Mon Jan 9, 2012 2:00 PM
|
|
|
|
Re: Chelle
I find it appalling that the BIL doesn't even bother with what little tools he has to control this menace (medication), but I frankly doubt the boy has a conscience. This looks like a budding sociopath, in which case counselling is a waste of time. There is only one cure for that.
Let us hope his path of chaos and destruction will remain confined to white-collar stuff and that he'll not graduate to violent crimes. I feel sorry for his entourage and anyone crossing his path for a y reason.
@C Rigsby
A miserable marriage with an unstable mother is not a suitable way to raise children - I know: I barely survived one. What Lisa said.
@Lisa
I don't blame your brother for being highly annoyed. Interviewed separately indeed, what's this, a murder investigation? Why not a lie-detector test, while they were at it? Some people watch too many forensic shows, I think. Sheesh.
Comment: #24
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Mon Jan 9, 2012 2:41 PM
|
|
|
|
While Ben should certainly go to the OB appointments, his parents coming along (or hers for that matter) is entirely inappropriate. I have nothing to hide and my children are all of their father's (no trickery here) but my MIL does not need to be involved in my medical procedures, thank you very much. If Kim objects to this, as almost any woman I know would, this means nothing as far as her lying about the pregnancy.
And yes, fathers should, can, and do get custody. I have men friends who got custody of their children in the 70s, 80s, 90s, and today.
Comment: #25
Posted by: wkh
Mon Jan 9, 2012 3:03 PM
|
|
|
|
LW1--It's obvious to me, if not to you, that you have a secret crush on your "good friend" 'Ben'. That's why you have nothing but negative things to say about 'Kim'. In writing for advice, you're basically looking for permission of sorts to break them up, using Kim's copious bad points as justification. I don't have a lot of time so here's the bottom line. Ben is an adult. He's entitled to make his own decisions...and his own mistakes. Whether or not you think Kim is a clingy controlling bitch is irrelevant. Ben has made the decision to be with Kim. End of story. If you were a true friend, then you'd stop trying to "fix" what you see as Ben's dilemma and simply stand by him, regardless of his choices. Let Ben know that you support him no matter what and let him worry about Kim and any fallout being with her might entail.
LW2--It didn't go without notice that you referred to your brother-in-law as simply your husband's brother. Your brother-in-law has been acting on the mistaken impression that he's family and therefore entitled to make himself at home in your home. It's clear, however, that you don't care for your BIL in that way and simply tolerate him. Unfortunately you've set a precedence in allowing your brother to waltz into your home and act as though he owns the place (which I agree would irritate me too.) You have two choices: either suck it up and accept that if it were your husband helping himself to the household amenities you wouldn't think twice about it, or, have a frank discussion with your husband about your growing resentment towards his brother's overt behavior in making himself a bit too much at home. Perhaps if your husband talks to his brother about respecting your boundaries, he'll act accordingly in the future. If not, I wouldn't make too big a deal about it as it's not something worth causing a rift over.
Comment: #26
Posted by: Chris
Mon Jan 9, 2012 4:32 PM
|
|
|
|
The best gift you can give to your 19 year old friend is a paternity test.
Comment: #27
Posted by: happymom
Mon Jan 9, 2012 5:17 PM
|
|
|
|
Re: Lisa
I agree with most of what you say, but since you don't know the individual situation, you can't know "why your friend was upset about this". The situation was, in fact, much like the LW's friend. The young couple had twins out of wedlock, had broken up and gotten back together several times. Police were called a few times because of domestic squabbles. My friend (mother to the young girl who had the twins) wanted the kids married because "it is the right thing to do". She was AFRAID of pre-marital counseling, not because of any chance of indoctrination, but because she knew the young couple were so dysfunctional that there was a strong chance that the minister would refuse to marry them.
In the end, they did get married in another church. At the reception, they made fun of the church they did not get married in and belittled marital counseling in general. (tacky!) A year later, the police were called AGAIN to the house and they separated. They are now locked in a custody battle, where two little innocent babies are being used like chess pawns.
Making one mistake (getting pregnant unplanned) does not get fixed by making another mistake (getting married to "make things right"). Sometimes premarital counseling results in either the clergyman (or woman) or the couple deciding not to go through with the wedding. And in the case of the LW, it may be the easiest way to gently nudge Ben to get a third party, unbiased opinion about his situation. The LW certainly is biased and should step back after making this suggestion.
great point though.
Comment: #28
Posted by: nanchan
Mon Jan 9, 2012 5:41 PM
|
|
|
|
Kim sounds like my ex. I bet that she's banging other guys on the side, and Ben has no idea that she'd do such a thing!
Comment: #29
Posted by: Paul
Mon Jan 9, 2012 8:18 PM
|
|
|
|
Re: Sprint: Yes, the Emotional Blackmail book is EXCELLENT. I was on vacation, very depressed about my relationship with my wife, wandered into a library, and that book caught my eye. It immediately clicked with me that this was a description of what I was going through.
Comment: #30
Posted by: dave
Tue Jan 10, 2012 4:38 AM
|
|
|
|
Re: dave
ALL Susan Forward's books are excellent, and very informative as to what makes people tick. They should be compulsory reading in high school.
Comment: #31
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Thu Jan 12, 2012 8:26 AM
|
|
|
|
LW1
Your friend started university in a burst of emotional and sexual profligacy and is now in over his head. Be the voice of sanity for him. Be his safe corner. When he sees the light, help him get out of this predicament. If there is a child, he can be a father without chaining himself to this unstable woman. It might be better for the child.
```
Comment: #32
Posted by: Word A Day Mate
Fri Feb 24, 2012 11:31 AM
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
