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Jumping the Relationship Gun
Dear Annie: Last month, an old boyfriend contacted me. I hadn't seen "Bud" in 30 years. We had a wonderful conversation. I visited him at his home. He even sent me a large sum of money to help pay off a mortgage bill. We now talk at least …Read more.
Trusting Cheaters
Dear Annie: I'm in my early 20s and have been dating "Aidan" for a year. He attends college two hours away. He doesn't socialize much and stresses a lot about his grades. His only real friend is "Cara," a girl we went to high …Read more.
Bare Naked Mommies
Dear Annie: I am becoming excessively annoyed by a new trend I'm seeing with my friends who have recently become parents — the "naked mommy."
I'm 27 and have not yet had children. Several of my friends are having their second or …Read more.
The Long Trip to Tenuous
Dear Annie: My father and I have never had the best relationship. He was domineering, controlling and verbally abusive to me as a teenager, and as a result, I rebelled and did things specifically to irritate him. Several times, he kicked me out of …Read more.
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Too Much Power in an Ex
Dear Annie: "Ron" and I have been living together for more than a year. I love him and believe he loves me. We are both in our 60s and retired.
Ron is good to me in all but one way: He can't seem to cut off contact with his old girlfriend. He was still with this woman when we met, although he was the one who broke it off. He hadn't heard from her in months, and then she called him on his birthday. That started it.
I told Ron I wouldn't share him and don't believe it is good for our relationship if he keeps in touch with her. I admit I went a little nuts at first, and it affected our relationship. While I was out of town with my sisters, he made plans to see her, although I don't know whether he actually did. This betrayal caused me to have a mental breakdown, and I ended up in the hospital for a week and had therapy for another two.
After that, Ron told me he loves me and wants us to spend the rest of our lives together. I thought we were happy. Now I find that he is still in touch with this other woman. So far, it is only via Facebook, but I am afraid a personal meeting is only a matter of time. I can't understand why he doesn't see how much this hurts. It shows a total lack of respect for me and our relationship. I want to trust him, but it's hard when he lies. Any thoughts? — Expecting To Be Two-Timed
Dear Expecting: You have two problems: The first is that Ron is undermining your relationship by staying in contact with this woman. The second is that you allow that contact to push all your buttons into hyperdrive. Not all communication between exes is threatening, but Ron seems determined to keep in touch with his, and this is not a good sign.
Talk to Ron as calmly as possible, and explain how hurtful and disturbing it is to you when he goes behind your back to contact his ex. Ask why he feels the need to do this. If the answer doesn't resolve the problem for you, we don't know whether the relationship can be saved.
Dear Annie: We have boxes of memorabilia associated with each of our several children who are now in their 40s and 50s. Most of it is good report cards, honors and achievements, cute drawings they made, etc. However, some of it is not so good. We also kept the disappointing report cards, unfavorable teacher comments, letters and other documents that recall failures, problems and disappointments, etc.
We don't know what to do with all this stuff. Should we give each child their own things as is? Should we pass along only the good things? Should we toss all of it out? My husband favors giving them only the good stuff, but I would not have wanted my parents to make those decisions for me. What do you say? — Undecided Mom
Dear Undecided: It's sweet that you still want to protect your children from their childhood flaws, but they are not fragile little flowers. They can handle disappointing report cards and failing notices from teachers. They've already lived through it. We vote to give them everything and let them decide what to keep.
Dear Annie: I, too, am a "Worried Driver." A few years ago, I purchased 100 bumper stickers on the Internet that say "Hang Up and Drive." We put one on our car, and my daughter and I have been handing them out to anyone who sees it and shares the sentiment. I have about 20 left, and when they are gone, I will buy more.
I am very passionate about this subject, but I would not risk my life to make a hand signal to a perpetrator. Most people who text or talk while driving think their business is more important than anyone's safety. But if they can read, they get the message. — Sandra in Fort Myers
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please email your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2012 CREATORS.COM
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53 Comments | Post Comment
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LW1-
I could understand an ex wife with whom he's had children, but an ex girlfriend?
After you landed in the hospital over this, you can be certain that Ron knows full well what this is doing to you. He doesn't care, or worse yet, he's getting off on it. Evidently, the attentionm of the ex, plus the reaction he's getting from you, are feeding his male ego and he finds it all very flattering - so much so that he doesn't care how much it's hurting you. There also seems to be a power struggle going on, of the "nobody tells ME what to do'" variety.
I suggest couples' counselling. If he won't go, then I don't see much hope for this relationship and you should rethink your options.
P.S.: He was with her when the two of you met? Well, well. He dosn't seem to be sure who he wants to be with, while the ex is trying to get back at you, hoping to do to you what you did to her. Why don't you get out of this hornet's nest, leave together people who deserve each other and start looking for a man who is fully available this time and not someone else's boyfriend or husband?
Comment: #1
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sun Feb 12, 2012 9:17 PM
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LW1 - too bad 'Ron' didn't write for advice because I would tell him to hit the road before his girlfriend gets any more nuts and possessive. He might already be in a situation where he's going to have to leave town without a forwarding address to escape this woman. But since it was the girlfriend who asked for advice, I'd tell her to keep going to therapy. Just because the hospital let her go doesn't mean she's better. She needs to understand that Ron doesn't have to do what she tells him to. She's not his mom or even his wife. He might not value the relationship as highly as she does, or he might feel that his contact with the ex is innocent or he might want to have both of them at the same time. Whatever. Her reaction is way over the top and not good for her. She needs to figure out a sane response to not getting her way in this situation, whether it's leaving Ron or putting up with it or working out a different deal with Ron.
LW2 - give them everything and let them sort it out. They're adults, and they'll get through it. They might even have some amusing stories about what you regard as the bad things.
Comment: #2
Posted by: kai archie
Sun Feb 12, 2012 9:32 PM
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LW2 -
Give them the whole shebang and let them sort it out themselves. I really don't think grown adults will go through a mental breakdown and end up in the hospital at the sight of a bad report card dating back from grade school. The "bad" comment might even trigger some amusing memories.
@Kai Archie
Her reaction does seem a bit over the top, doesn't it?
Comment: #3
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sun Feb 12, 2012 9:38 PM
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ehhhh I wouldn't necessarily say Ron is being malicious. It's a possibility, yes... it's also a possibility he thinks she's being ridiculous and is blowing LW1 off. I have done this on more than a few occasions. I don't really care if it's my partner; if someone is being ridiculous about something no I am not going to cave to their demands.
I like how LW1 says they got together while he was still with his ex, but he broke up with her (as if that makes it better or something?!). I'm always amused when the woman who aids and abets a cheater gets all hyper jealous once she wins her "prize" of a cheating man. Deep in your gut LW1 you know what he can do, and you know if he does it with you he can do it to you.
This is one reason why despite both of us behaving in less than exemplary fashion in previous relationships, I absolutely insisted I was NOT getting together with Mr KH until both of us finished the relationships we were in at the time. It was pretty obvious we'd be together eventually but I did NOT want that dirty cloud hanging over the start of us. I'm really glad we waited (all of about um, 24 hours I confess) because dang we had enough problems without adding that kind of a dark cloud to it. Don't start a relationship that way it's just so not worth it!
Comment: #4
Posted by: wkh
Sun Feb 12, 2012 9:39 PM
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LW1 - right on wkh, that's just what I was about to say. It sounds like she stole this guy from his girlfriend, and now flips out if he talks to her (or probably any other woman) because, face it, she knows he's a cheater
Comment: #5
Posted by: Steve C
Sun Feb 12, 2012 10:18 PM
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LW1: I'm with you Kai Archie, this woman has SERIOUS mental problems if her bf having contact with his ex caused her to have a mental breakdown. Sure she has a right to be upset and angry with him, but her response to this was SO FAR over the top that this guy needs to run as fast and far as he can.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Krystal
Sun Feb 12, 2012 11:16 PM
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Lw1 dude. Take a deep breath and chill. It's FACEBOOK. The most interesting post I've seen all month was that dad who shot his kid's laptop. Most FB contact is boring nothingings. You are freaking out because he MIGHT have met with an ex and he friended her. When you got something more, then talk to him CALMLY!
Lw2 why did you keep the bad stuff? Just seems like a waste of space.i don't know why anyone would want a bad report card from several decades ago. Junk it and make the best stuff into a scrapbook or memory box.
Comment: #7
Posted by: MT
Mon Feb 13, 2012 1:37 AM
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LW1: Yes, the LW's reaction seems extreme, and indicative of some deeper emotional issues. I also agree it's quite telling that she's the "other woman" in the scenario. People often maintain casual or friendly contact with exes. We have no indication of how long the other relationship lasted. Perhaps he was with this other girlfriend for a significant amount of time, and they do want to stay friends with each other, and nothing more.
LW2: Give them everything, let them decide. Doesn't seem to be a big deal. Unless... is one of your children LW1? Then there's a chance she might over-react.
LW3: I agree, it's best not to make hand-gestures at bad drivers who are on the phone while driving.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Mike H
Mon Feb 13, 2012 3:29 AM
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Lw1: Either you don't trust your boyfriend, have mental health issues, or both. Please get help. You can take a relationship or leave it but you can't force a person to change. Perhaps it is just my gut feeling, but I keep thinking that dep down you feel that if he can just see how upset this situation is making you, he will stop.
This brings on your hysteria. To me, it's a form of control and abuse. You will never have a healthy relationship that way. You need to be two healthy people who are together because they want to be together - not controlled for any reason - whether that reason is fear of a girlfriends's mental breakdown or fear of a boyfriend's fist. Both are different techniques, but both have the same purpose: control and manipulation. to me, this is how some abuse and get away with it. The fragile little flowers just "can't help it."
I realize that this sounds harsh, but I know a woman that does this. It even extends to choosing the movie or restaurant. Some movies and types of food will just trigger a "breakdown".
I think that the boyfriend must put his foot down and do as he chooses. She can take it or leave it. He should not tether himself to a mentally ill woman or capitulate to emotional blackmail. Things will only get worse if he does.
Comment: #9
Posted by: jennifer
Mon Feb 13, 2012 3:43 AM
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LW1 is needy and she reacts the way she does because she knows first hand that he can be stolen as she did it. Not a good foundation, and he either has second thoughts or likes the attention. I would end this now, let them have each other, esp if your health is suffering. Next time find someone who is available, and know that the gf will probably always wonder if he's looking elsewhere.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Kim
Mon Feb 13, 2012 4:06 AM
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Holy cats, LW1, you're his girlfriend of barely a year, not his wife, and it sounds like all this started shortly after the relationship began. His actions have made it clear from the beginning that he still has feelings for his ex and he is not, and probably never has been, in an exclusive relationship with you. Yet you are so "shocked" that he made plans to see this other woman that you had a mental breakdown requiring hospitalization? What you need to do is stop trying to make this relationship into something it isn't and move out, so you can go look for the kind of relationship you really want. And at the same time, go back into therapy and try to figure out why you are so desperate to delude yourself into thinking that you have something you don't, even when the red flags are all around you. And next time, don't be so quick to move in with someone.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Jane
Mon Feb 13, 2012 4:15 AM
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Re: Lise Brouillette
Lise, I agree on lw1. It sounds like possession is a big issue here. I am seeing a guy who I liked in high school. He has the tendency to want to save all of these women who he saw, or at least be kind and not want to hurt anyones feelings. He talks on facebook to them. I have no problem with that. He is friends with his ex and his relationship will remain that way as far as I am concerned since he has kids that need their parents. It is important to keep your eyes open but not your claws in!!!
Comment: #12
Posted by: Laurie
Mon Feb 13, 2012 4:50 AM
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LW1 - I am unsure about why you would want to stay with someone who has caused you so much pain that it caused a mental problem and he is still in contact with her. You don't say if this was a very long term relationship, i.e. were there children involved? Do they still have financial entanglements from this long-term relationship? The Annies gave you some good advice about having a serious discussion with him and potentially ending the relationship. You state that he was still involved in a relationship with her when you started seeing him. So the questions that comes to my mind is "Why was he looking while still in a relationship with her? Is he a serial cheater?" Cause if the answer to those questions is yes; then you have your answer about why he lies. He thinks it is okay. Lady, I assure that you can do better than this scum. You deserve better; but if you still want to work it out you must be strong and demand he cut all contact. If he refuses - you will have your answer on what to do, walk out the door and don't look back.
Comment: #13
Posted by: Paula
Mon Feb 13, 2012 5:03 AM
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LW1 - I don't want to sound insensitive but when I read the letter, I said, "Wow, what a drama queen!" To wind up in the hospital for a week because your BF contacted an ex-girlfriend just sounds way over to the top to me. I'm not saying what he's doing is right, but come on, honey, you need to get a grip and get some counseling.
i agree with others here who said that it sounds like she "stole" Ron from his ex and now she's biting her nails because she's afraid this ex is going to steal him back. No person in a relationship should talk to anyone - ex or not - behind their partner's back. But is he really sneaking around? I question it because the LW seems off her rocker. She needs to get some counseling herself and discuss her insecurities with the counselor.
LW2 - I say ask your kids if they want their box of things. If they do, give them everything. If they don't, it's up to you to decide what you want to do with it.
Comment: #14
Posted by: Michelle
Mon Feb 13, 2012 5:24 AM
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while i am in agreement with those who say the first writer is over-reacting, i'd like to point out something- 'He was still with this woman when we met, although he was the one who broke it off.' she said when we met. she didn't say how long the time lapse was from when they met and when they became a couple. he broke up with the ex and started going with her. let's give her the benefit of the doubt and not assume she actively pursued him until he broke up with the ex.
having said that, let me also say that she has serious issues. if i were a man, i don't know if i'd want to be in a relationship with someone that needy. she needs therapy.
Comment: #15
Posted by: alien07110
Mon Feb 13, 2012 5:44 AM
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To LW1: Oh Lady... OH LADY, you are so very troubled. You say you are in your sixties, yet you behave like a 16 year-old drama queen (apologies to sixteen year-old drama queens, this woman is worse). You really need to get your mental health in order before you pursue any type of romantic relationship with anyone, this is unfair to the other person. You have no right to tell anyone else who they may talk to or spend time with. Frankly I am amazed that you only went through two weeks of counseling, your therapist should have insisted on much more as you sound quite unwell. I hope someone wakes this man up and suggests he run for the hills, because with you he'll be sure of a life of tip-toeing and misery. I'm half your age at least, and I'm telling you that it's long overdue to start growing up. I suggest you look harder at this breakdown you had and have the guts to get control of yourself, rather than trying to control other people like puppets to suit your insecurities. I know we all have our moments of uncertainty, and that can be very uncomfortable, but few people end up hospitalized over a birthday call from an old girlfriend. It is as simple as this: You're too old for this garbage, get thee to some help.
Comment: #16
Posted by: ackgirl
Mon Feb 13, 2012 6:12 AM
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LW1 - You're dating a cheater and you're worried he'll cheat on you? Go figure. This was not meant to be. You need to be with someone you can trust and you won't be able to trust anyone until you get therapy for what ails ya.
And stop having mental breakdowns because your bf might have made arrangements to meet his ex. I'd like to keep those hospital beds open for people who really need them.
LW2 - You seem far more distraught over 35 year old report cards than your adult children could possibly be. Just ask each kid "we saved all your old school stuff, do you want it?" you'll know by their response if they are apprehensive about it and can discuss accordingly.
LW3 - Well, I guess noticing, focusing on, and reading the bumper sticker of another moving vehicle is safer than driving while on the phone...
Comment: #17
Posted by: Zoe
Mon Feb 13, 2012 6:37 AM
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LW1 sounds a little crazy.
Much like Lise Brouillette.
Comment: #18
Posted by: John Dung
Mon Feb 13, 2012 6:49 AM
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**warning**common swear word used in following post**
LW1 - Go stand next to a brick wall until it falls on you because apparently that's what it's gonna take. Damn, lady, what else needs to happen here for you to come to your senses? He's a player and you, his ex and, trust me, others are being played. Do not talk to him calmly or otherwise. Just pack up and move on or figure out how you're going to never be "the one".
LW2 - Seriously? These are grown up people and you want to shield them from a "bad" 3rd grade report card or ugly refrigerator art? C'mon...Put all this crap in a box wrap it up, label it "Your Life in a Box" and send them out to them. They'll enjoy it.
LW3 - Nice project you have there, Saundra but please lighten up or you'll have a mental breakdown, and I end up in the hospital for a week and have therapy for another two just like your friend, LW1. Oh by the way, bumper stickers are cute but they can also be distracting to other drivers. Oops. Didn't think of that didja, Saundra?
Comment: #19
Posted by: Rick
Mon Feb 13, 2012 7:26 AM
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Re: Laurie
"It is important to keep your eyes open but not your claws in!!!"
Love it!
Comment: #20
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Mon Feb 13, 2012 7:46 AM
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Re LW#1----------alien07110 has a point---------the LW didn't actually say they were 'together' while he was still with someone else, she said they 'met'. Not really clear if there was more too it than 'meeting', but he did break off his current relationship to be with her. And now she is scared he might be reconsidering his choice.
But a mental breakdown? REALLY!!!!! A correct reaction would be, if you feel you can no longer trust him, to kick his behind out of your life and move on. Instead, she did something calculated to bring him back--------the sympathy card. ("Look, if you dump me I'll go nuts.") The truth is, she is ALREADY nuts and he should run like crazy.
He may in fact be cheating on her, who knows? Who cares? Once she has lost trust in him, it's time for her to run away-----------but NOT into a mental hospital. She is playing the guilt card, big time, and although it worked this time, it won't work indefinitely. Even if he is NOT cheating now, he'll tire pretty quickly of someone who pulls what she did. Either she faked the breakdown (bad) or it was real (worse). Who wants to be saddled with someone so emotionally unstable? What will she do next if he goes against something she wants? Jump off the top of a building?
Comment: #21
Posted by: jennylee
Mon Feb 13, 2012 8:09 AM
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@Jennifer re post #9 - Right on! You just reminded me of a couple that I knew several years ago. The wife had MS and often had flares in the middle of social events. But after a while we all started to notice, that her flares only seemed to happen when she was not the center of her husband's attention. She would rapidly go from the life of the party to having a major flare every single time her husband focused on someone else. This happened every weekend. When he remembered to dote on her the entire time, magically there were no flare ups. Often he ended up literally carrying her out of the party early, like a knight in armor. At first we all felt really bad for her, but eventually, we all just felt really bad for him.
LW has issues that need to be addressed. She most likely has serious emotional issues, but that does not mean that she isn't using that fact to manipulate her bf.
re LW2 - I don't understand why this is such a dilemma. But, I am not very sentimental about that type of thing... outside of my high school diploma, major awards like scholarships, or photos, I wouldn't care if my parents trashed the rest of that junk. Several boxes is overkill.
re LW3 - You can't see me, but trust me when I tell you that I am rolling my eyes as I read your letter.
Comment: #22
Posted by: sharnee
Mon Feb 13, 2012 8:44 AM
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To feed the troll or not to feed the troll, that is the question… I think I'll ignore John for now. Oh wait.. I can't. Totally uncalled for John Dung.
@LW1: It can be very upsetting to find out your boyfriend is talking with an ex on Facebook. I've been through it. It really really sucked, even though it was an innocent conversation. The differences between my situation and yours: 1. My boyfriend stopped. When the ex contacted him again, months later, claiming they were soul mates, he blocked her. I know on some level this was probably hard for him since she was the one who completely broke his heart, or maybe it was satisfying for him. I don't know or care. I just know she's blocked. 2. I didn't end up in the f'ing hospital over it. Lady, you're either a drama queen, or you got some major issues… or most likely, both. I'm sure Ron is claiming he loves you, etc. He's probably planning his escape route, so you don't murder him in his sleep.. or boil his bunny. Not sure which method you prefer, Glenn.
Comment: #23
Posted by: Casey
Mon Feb 13, 2012 9:07 AM
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LW1: No way to know if your boyfriend's relationship is just platonic or more ... but he seems determined to maintain it. Your overreaction shows that you have some serious issues of your own.
You too should break up and move on.
Your reason: He's not going to do what you need him to do, so stop expecting him to. He's not emotionally available, and he's wrong not to be honest with you and tell you so.
His reason: Your overreaction would seem to indicate that you have some serious issues.
You would be best served by moving on, and getting some counseling and a full physical check-up to see if there is something a regular doctor can suggest.
Yes, he's wrong ...but there's more going on here.
Comment: #24
Posted by: Dave Galino
Mon Feb 13, 2012 9:31 AM
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@Casey, I was just thinking that it was sweet that her stalker showed up on the board after a long absence... and just in time to declare his affections for Valentine's.
Comment: #25
Posted by: Mike H
Mon Feb 13, 2012 9:39 AM
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Mom with stuff for kids.
They are not 2nd graders anymore so why protect them from something that should not be but a memory? Let your kids decide whether or not it is something they want. I have all my sons things, sorted in files, preschool through college. Transcripts, grades, report cards, honor awards, etc. Takes up very little space. You'd be surpirsed how much fun it is when the go through their stuff. Don't want to take it home but don't throw it out, MOM. A file drawer is no big deal.
NOW I have a sister who packrated every drawing, note, spelling test, etc. She had 3 kids. You have to pick and choose what you want.
My kids wrote their spelling words into a ledger. I had a computer program I could go into and alter it week by week (COMMODORE) with their words and math and history questions) and so my granddaughters love looking at their dad's ledger book. All the way to 8th grade English they had spelling. (REMEMBER, no spell checker back then. Just the dictionary.)
Heck, I still have the spider plant son #3 gave me in preschool--23 years ago. I can hang on to things!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LW1: If the lady has such an issue as listed, she needs to be by herself to find out answers for HER, not HIM. He may be a snake in the grass playing games but at this point she is the toxic one. If he is being a turd and wants to bug out, he needs to tell her and then leave. Snap that unbilical and run.
If he plans to hang around and do as she is saying, then he also needs to be hung out to dry.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LW3: You want to do something permanent? Contact your legislature to get it done. MN has very strict laws on the books and more in the making.
Text messaging and Internet use outlawed for all drivers.
Drivers under the age of 18 with learner's permits or intermediate licenses are prohibited from using cell phones.
School bus drivers barred from using cell phones for personal reasons while vehicle is in motion.
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Before the legislature now is NO cell phone or texting by anyone driving. NO EXCEPTION for hand free phone either. I am wondering if there are federal funds tapped into this one. As with seat belt laws, how much federal money for your highways goes according to how stiff your laws and convictions are.
Comment: #26
Posted by: Joyce/MN
Mon Feb 13, 2012 10:05 AM
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Re: Lise Brouillette
Hey Lise, you said what I wanted to say, but you said it so much better, this guy is a jerk. Why are women, especially older ones, so desperate that they can't stand being alone? They settle for someone who makes them crazy and depressed or both. She should have told this guy to hit the road the first time she found out he was contacting the ex. Older women have slim pickins when it comes to meeting a partner, 10 men for every woman over the age of 50 in Florida. Out of all of my friends, who are aroung 60, none of them are treated well by their partners, but they are afraid of being alone, so they settle and bitch. The best thing LW1 can do is find ways to pleaae herself, with or without a man and in the future be VERY selective about who she invest her time with. Why do women ignore red flags and hope things will change? I know from reading here that guys do the same thing, if you were happy with yourself and not desperate to make the wrong shoe fit, you would meet the right partner. Being alone is the worlds utmost fear,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,but is being alone worse than being with the wrong person?
Comment: #27
Posted by: Bloom Hilda
Mon Feb 13, 2012 10:18 AM
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Re LW1 - Wow! I think that girlfriend needs to spend some time on her own. BF may or may not be a crazy maker, but she's sounding a bit off her rocker. She had a mental breakdown that landed her in the hospital because he made plans which might not have happend (but she doesn't know?) She is living her life in the land of what-ifs and hypothesized reasons for fear - that's what I call borrowing trouble.
Yes, this is a woman who needs some time on her own to regain her equilibrium and sense of reason.
I don't know enough about BF to make many statements, but I will suggest that it's possible he feels really manipulated by GF and he's passive-aggresively lashing out. Doesn't make it mature, but I get being pissed off when someone tries to control you to the level that GF is. It's also possible that he's a crazy-maker and every woman he's with ends up in the hospital. Either way, she needs some time to figure herself out.
Comment: #28
Posted by: kristen
Mon Feb 13, 2012 10:20 AM
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Awww, that's sweet, Mike H. It makes my heart melt and my fingers tingly.. as though they want to spew some hateful venom toward my own beloved, via an internet site. Between LW1 and John, it must be Stalker Day at BTL. It gives hope for the most detailed of restraining orders, doesn't it? Love is truly in the air <3
Comment: #29
Posted by: Casey
Mon Feb 13, 2012 10:50 AM
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We recently got a hands free device for our cell phones. Some top of the line one.
I hate it. I find it way more distracting and scary than talking on the cell normally, which I never have had problems with.
Now we're caught in this position of having to return the hands free device and break the law but feel far more safe while driving, or use the hands free device and be legal yet feel very uncomfortable and ill at ease with it (answering calls, placing calls, it's all way more complicated than with a simple phone). Yeah sure we could just not have phones in the car, which I wouldn't really mind, but my husband's job won't allow for that :-/.
Comment: #30
Posted by: wkh
Mon Feb 13, 2012 11:34 AM
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LW1 ---- your problem isn't your boyfriend who wants to keep in touch with old friends. As others have pointed out, his relationship with his old girlfriend may or may not be platonic. But whether he's undermining your relationship (which he may be), or just feeling caged in by your extreme reactions and looking for some air, your larger problem is your tendency toward extreme emotional reactions. I expect your therapist has tried to communicate that to you. If someone making plans to see someone else causes you to have an emotional breakdown and ending up hospitalized, you are way too emotionally invested. If you're writing to Dear Annie, I expect you're discouraged with therapy. I hope you'll try looking for a more helpful therapist, because fixing your possibly-wandering boyfriend is less important, I think, than addressing your own issues.
Comment: #31
Posted by: sarah morrow
Mon Feb 13, 2012 12:02 PM
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Re: jennylee
"Jump off the top of a building?"
Indeed that would be going way-y-y over the top... of the building. ;-D
Comment: #32
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Mon Feb 13, 2012 12:22 PM
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Re: Mike H
Yeah, he'd show up with a bunch of his namesake he personally dipped in chocolate if he could. After all, stirring scheisse is what HE likes!
@Bloom Hilda
Yeah, and after that people are all surprised when older women date younger men! But women generally live longer than men, so hey. And yes, being alone with someone is much worse than being alone on one's own. But we women are so strongly sociaiised to live through others still, emotional independence is something we have to learn on our own, and not everyone graduates from THAT university of hard knocks.
In the case of this LW, although Mister Romeo seems to be a player, she isn't completely innocent either. Indications are that she was the Other Woman who is now afraid of having the same thing done "back" to her. And then, there's the drama... For a man you love to start romancing or looking like he might want to be romancing someone else can be heartbreaking, but to end up in the hospital over it? Unless her health was already being made fragile by a pre-existing condition, that IS a bit much.
Comment: #33
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Mon Feb 13, 2012 12:41 PM
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Sorry Mike but I like my ladies to be employed and weigh less than 200 pounds.
Lise fails on both counts.
But she sure is good at giving out advice online, don't ya know.
Comment: #34
Posted by: John Dung
Mon Feb 13, 2012 12:47 PM
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Re: Bloom Hilda
Further:
The three types of independence:
1. Physical independence. That's when you live/spend time apart.
2. Financial independence. That's when you can support yourself.
3. Emotional independence. That's when you're half of couple when you're in one, but a whole entity when on your own.
Comment: #35
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Mon Feb 13, 2012 12:47 PM
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LW 1 -
Don't have anything to say on this situation. Pretty much everyone BTL has said it.
LW 2 - Same as above. But I do have to add that I, too, have saved all the things for all 3 kids.
When the 2 older ones were 30, I gave them each a big box full of paintings, report cards, etc. so they could either save or do whatever they wanted to do. But, I cheated a little, I pulled out 2 paintings from each box, framed them for my house. Kid # 3 will graduate in June, he'll get his box of things when I think he's ready, he can do whatever he'd like with it. I already pulled 2 nice paintings from the box, framed them. And yes, he saw them on the wall, asked where they came from as he didn't recognize them. They were from the 3rd grd. How funny.
@ Joyce/MN post 26
Oh Joyce, you are so organized. I think that is great what you did for your kids, too. And, you must have a green thumb if you were able to nuture a plant from 23 yrs. ago.
@ Lise B. post 33 RE: Mike H. Last sentence.
Love the "S" word attack. I wonder how many others BTL understand that word.
It's 10:30 PM here, I'm going to bed soon. A long day, but at least the temperature is no longer minus. The ground is actually thawing.
So, just want to wish everyone a HAPPY VALENTINES DAY. Please, don't forget the loved one. And, if you get any presents, don't forget to send out a THANK YOU card. LOL !
Comment: #36
Posted by: Gwen
Mon Feb 13, 2012 1:36 PM
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Gwen, I felt bad when I tossed out at 35 yr old plant a couple years ago, got it our first year of marriage. And my gardens are wonderful--5 foot tall tomato plants. 2 years ago I had 100 romas per plant. And lovely flowers and herbs as well. Now switching up to orchard--apricots new this year, added more pear trees last. Apples, pears in the garden already. This 5 acres was given to us IF we stay stewards of the land. And old green house business, the guy has since died and his widow hired us for stewardship of the soil care. $100 a week during growing season. Beautiful. Over 200 trees.
The older I get the more important it is to be part of the sustaining of our food chain. I took about a 30 year break from being a child and working the garden at home. That meant food to the root cellar for the winter. We never canned meat, alot of people did. I don't do pressure cooker canning, but the BLUE BOOK is my canning Bible.
We will have drought here this spring. Last year at this time we had 5 feet of snow coverage. This year it is 15 inches. Gardening will be shifted a bit, got my order into the Michigan Bulb Co and Guirney's. And my starter house in in the basement ready to go in March or April, depending if we get March snow dumping.
Heading to the pool,
Comment: #37
Posted by: Joyce/MN
Mon Feb 13, 2012 1:52 PM
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Re: Gwen
Well, at least ONE other poster knows... Most of those who don't know for sure what scheisse means will have figured it out. The others can look it up in a German dictionary or Google it. They may need the esszet: s-c-h-e-i (Alt+225) -e.
P.S.: It DOES require an esszet, right?
@Joyce
I sterelise my canning in the oven. All the books tell us not to do that, but when I use the canning kettle, I ruin my batch and when I use the oven, I don't. Flpflpflpflp to them. Been doing that with no problem for 40 years.
Comment: #38
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Mon Feb 13, 2012 2:29 PM
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Re: wkh You could just not talk on the phone while you're driving. It may be a radical thought but it's been known to work. Your husband's bosses/clients might actually appreciate his undivided attention when he's talking to them. When the bosses realize how exposed to liability they are by his stating, "my job requires me to talk on the phone while I drive' , they'll really appreciate his pulling off the road to make & take calls.
Comment: #39
Posted by: kai archie
Mon Feb 13, 2012 2:39 PM
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LW1--"While I was out of town with my sisters, he made plans to see her, although I don't know whether he actually did. This betrayal caused me to have a mental breakdown, and I ended up in the hospital for a week and had therapy for another two." Really!?!? Dramatic much? Let's face the facts, shall we? Your boyfriend broke up with his girlfriend to be with you and you've only been living together for about a year. That his tacit contact with his ex-girlfriend, who may be nothing more than a platonic friend for all you know, pushed you to a mental breakdown and drove you into the hospital tells me that you're waaaaaaaay overly possessive and paranoid beyond rationality. Your boyfriend isn't your personal property dear. Whether or not he still has designs on his ex-girlfriend is irrelevant when you factor in your over-the-top reaction to finding out about his talking to the ex. From my experience, men can only take so much drama before they call it quits. In other words, it's only a matter of time before your boyfriend tires of all the work required to be with you and decides to break free of your short leash and pursue a woman with considerably less flare for the dramatic. My advice to you is to take the drama down about twenty notches or find yourself a much more submissive boyfriend.
LW2--I say you're over analyzing to the extreme. Frankly, most adults, especially those in their 40's and 50's couldn't care less about their childhood report cards or anything else regarding their primary education. All that matters is what they've accomplished since then. Forget about sifting and sorting through the memorabilia to favor only the "good" things. Simply inform each of your children that you have a box containing some childhood memories that you'd like to offer them. If they're disinterested (my guess) then dump them into the recycle bin and don't give it a second thought. If some do choose to take the items, then don't be surprised if they have a few laughs and then do exactly the same thing. Either way, the choice is theirs.
LW3--Unfortunately, these day's you can hand out 'Hang Up' bumper stickers until the cows come home and it won't make a bit of difference. What will are laws legalizing the installation of cell phone jammers in all moving vehicles. Instead of handing out stickers, you should devote your time and energies to passing legislation to prevent cell phones from functioning in a moving vehicle. While most of us would like to think we have the common sense and common courtesy to abstain from the many distractions facing drivers in the twenty-first century, statistics and the myriad tragedies that result every day from these distractions tell us otherwise.
Comment: #40
Posted by: Chris
Mon Feb 13, 2012 2:47 PM
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RE: Chris psot 40
Hey Sweetie, this 60 yr. old broad has all of her old report cards, paintings, projects ( in book form, made from construction paper, hand sketched all 50 states, had to color them, write in the capitol for each state, major cities, imports/exports, state bird/flower and flag), class photo from every grd., biography and nurmerous other things. Every once in a while, I go to the attic, bring the box down, go thru it, just because. And, everything has been dated as to what grd., this and that had been done.
It's fun to look at these things that I did many yrs. ago or look at the grades I made thru the years.
Comment: #41
Posted by: Gwen
Mon Feb 13, 2012 3:24 PM
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Letter writer 1 has a mental breakdown that requires a week-long hospital vist because her live-in boyfriend is in contact with his ex-girlfriend?! She is handling this all wrong. Whatever happened to piling all of his clothes on the front lawn, soaking them in gasoline, and setting the on fire? Ah, the good old days.
Comment: #42
Posted by: AWC
Mon Feb 13, 2012 4:50 PM
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@John Dung,
I see yourinability to handle properly your love obsession with Lise is causing you to sound a little crazy, much like LW1. Deal with it already and tell her how much you desire her. It is the only way you will get her attention, you cute little lovesick puppy, you.
Comment: #43
Posted by: AWC
Mon Feb 13, 2012 4:54 PM
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@ Gwen
How cool! Okay, I stand corrected. I have very little in the way of report cards, arts and crafts and what not from my childhood and until today haven't give my childhood school days much thought. But then my family wasn't much for memorializing milestones or even snapping photos for that matter. I am happy to hear that your childhood mementos give you pleasure; I hope you continue to enjoy them for many years to come!
Comment: #44
Posted by: Chris
Mon Feb 13, 2012 6:15 PM
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@Chris - Who are you and what have you done with the Chris we have come to know? You have been downright sweet lately.
Comment: #45
Posted by: sharnee
Mon Feb 13, 2012 6:41 PM
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Re: sharnee
Hey, some people have been known to change for the worse on this board, give him a chance to change for the better! Or perhaps it's a Valentine's Special. ;-D
Comment: #46
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Mon Feb 13, 2012 7:07 PM
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To Chris. DITTO from waht Gwen has posted.
The dump out and get on with life is not just a guy thing tho.
Growing up 'out on the prairie' you had to find something to fix something else or do something without always going to the store to BUY. One fly by the pants fix-it-- 1 pencil we broke in half to put into the carborator to hold it open--got stuck and--stranded on the highway when the car broke down--my Rambler (made NO MORE.)
How many times have I asked HOW LONG DO WE HAVE TO KEEP THIS CAR PART or piece of engine, or bumper, etc. And I get told MOM DON'T MOVE IT. 3 car garage--filled with play toys. Don't ask for a spot. I have not had one in 2 years. And a 6 car lien-to in the back fenced in. Used to hold a 1950 Ford pickup base--finally sold that when they figured finding the rest of the parts to restore it would cost thousands.
And heavens, how many welders do you actually need? And the argument is rod, wire and plastic. So none go.
And when it comes to the instruction books for each of the cars, much less the timing light or what ever was the most favorite at the time--(Which I think is the car computer scan tool--which it costs a couple hundred dollars to have a garage hook you up, but less than $100 to buy your own and download all the cars in your neighborhood to run.)
What about the favorite fishing pole, or 6 or 10. And the famous fish lure. O M G don't touch it! And lastly--a funeral home furniture store was being torn down for new buildings and my husband and friend were offered it by the owner/neighbor all rights to all--by the by, it used to be storage at old furniture stores. And they owned the rights to it all. Good auction. People bought casket handles for the latest decor in their homes.
Fun. And left brass left over handles, etc. Like going to the PBS Antique Show!
Yep. I will file my kids' papers away neatly.
Comment: #47
Posted by: Joyce/MN
Mon Feb 13, 2012 7:27 PM
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Lise:
I never heard of canning by oven before. Bet my mom would remember from the 40s when she was growing up. They did alot of things not considered wise now days. How does the time work, do you use a certain temp? Same sized jars? Sealed the same way?
I get oodles of new jars each year. My granddaughter and I each win the KERR/BALL canning award from the county fair often--the last 4-5 years. Meaning double award to the family. Then Kerr/Ball sends out free jar coupons--about 6 dozen my choice sized jars per year. So this year I passed some to my kids, from pints/quarts to gallon sized for pickling. Make good surprise Christmas gifts! 2 of them can--one pickled eggs and on peaches. And love it to make favorite jams and jellies to gift to some of our older friends who 'wish they had again' and get.
Comment: #48
Posted by: Joyce/MN
Mon Feb 13, 2012 7:34 PM
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@John, still gotta say, I think thou dost protest too much. Why else would a man obsessively stalk someone on the internet like you do? It's pretty obvious.
Comment: #49
Posted by: Mike H
Mon Feb 13, 2012 7:41 PM
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Re: Mike H
Me thinks thou protestes too much? That's because I think Mr. Dung is a SHE, and I think we all know who she is. She's posing as a Mr. Dung to avoid the heat from the things she says, especially to Lise. Lise, you know who it is, the writing style is just too similar.
Comment: #50
Posted by: Bloom Hilda
Mon Feb 13, 2012 7:58 PM
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AWC: LOL!!
Sharnee: yeah, what happened???????????? :>D
Comment: #51
Posted by: jar8818
Mon Feb 13, 2012 7:59 PM
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@Joyce
The technique was taught to me by my father's housekeeper when I was a newlywed, which takes us back over 40 years.
Yes, you use all same-sized jars, Mason type with a two-part screw lid. You have to work very fast pouring the stuff in the jars while it's boiling hot, cord them into the preheated (400F) oven evenly spaced with the lid loosely screwed. I never counted the tiome, except it's three-four minutes AFTER the stuff is boiling inside the jars.
Then you put on the oven mitts, remove them one by one and, the minute you put each one of them on the countertop, SCREW THEM TIGHT. Then you wait and count the POCS. As the air exits from the jar and the lid seals, the replaceable part of the two-part lid becomes convex and that produces a sound. You're supposed to have one POC per jar, not less, not more.
When they're cooled, you unscrew the screable part of the lid and see if you can peel off the flat part easily. If yes, the jar was not sealed, it would have spoiled in the pantry. You degrease the luips of the glass jar, put in a brand new flat part and back in the oven it goes. If it still doesn't seal after a second attempt, it's the freezer or the fridge and used up first.
Once the jars are in the pantry, you check the lids every day for two weeks to make sure none of them suddenly starts ro swell. If that happens, you open up the jar, pour out its content into a pot a reboil it (4 minutes at a hard boil, stirring constantly), and in the fridge. You can then use it safely if you use it right away.
I do this for my yearly spaghetti sauce. One thing that is CRUCIAL is that all ingredients used for something that will be canned have to be SUPER-FRESH, otherwise you risk wasting your batch. I put in thinly diced potatoes to remove acidity and help preserving the canning. If you're meticulous and careful at watching your business, there ought to be little or no waste.
I would think this is technology of the 40's indeed, the woman was well into her fifties when she taught me this. It works! Been doing it this way for 41 years.
Comment: #52
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Mon Feb 13, 2012 9:55 PM
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@Lise - I am not complaining, I am enjoying these pleasant posts from the new Chris.
Comment: #53
Posted by: sharnee
Tue Feb 14, 2012 6:15 AM
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