ANNIE'S MAILBOX(R) by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar on Creators.com

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Hands Are Tied when a Messed-Up Child Is a Legal Adult Dear Annie: My 20-year-old nephew has been a troubled youth, despite all the attempts of his family to help him, including counseling and rehab. When he was 18, he became involved with a messed-up 14-year-old girl who used drugs, alcohol and sex to …Read more. Damaging Favoritism Amid Broken Boundaries Dear Annie: I have two daughters, ages 5 and 2. My in-laws favor the older girl. They buy her more presents, give her more money and pay way more attention to her than to her sister. They almost seem obsessed with her. As soon as she walks in the …Read more. Ex Con on the Straight and Narrow Canned Dear Annie: After eight years at my job, I was let go. I have a felony record. The CEO who knew of my background retired last year. He felt I had proved myself and had no problem with me. When he retired, we got an interim CEO. I told him about my …Read more. Equal Parts Heart Over Equal Parts Money Dear Annie: My husband and I work comparable hours, but I earn less than half of what he does and have little discretionary income. I come home to my "second shift," which includes cooking, cleaning and picking up after this man, who …Read more.

Annie's Mailbox, November 4

Dear Annie: I'm 13 years old and have a younger brother. My dad is addicted to gambling. To make matters worse, he doesn't work much, either. Not that it matters. Even when he worked hard, he lost all of the money gambling.

My parents recently got a divorce. Dad is practically broke, so he still lives in our tiny apartment with us. He's not the best father in the world. He never comes to any of our school events and missed my brother's grade-school graduation. He asks his own children for gas money. He blames all his problems on my mother. Because of him, we are struggling financially. Dad ruined Mom's excellent credit and took a lot of her money.

Dad always promises to do better, but never does. He used to pretend to go to work when he really went to gamble at a casino. Now he mostly stays home, watching TV, being lazy. My mom is going to kick him out because she thinks he is hopeless. I love my dad a lot, but I'm starting to agree with her. Is there anything that can help? — Worried Daughter

Dear Worried: This must be a difficult time for everyone in your household, including your father. He has a serious addiction, and it is hard to overcome. However your parents decide to handle it, you are not responsible for what happens, and you shouldn't feel stuck in the middle. Please talk to your school guidance counselor about this and suggest your mother contact Gam-Anon (gam-anon.org), an organization for those who are affected by a compulsive gambler. The address is P.O. Box 157, Whitestone, NY 11357.

Dear Annie: My wife and I recently bought our first home and can't wait to have people over. My wife's family is great, and I have no problem with anyone in particular, but they have this thing about just dropping by at any given moment without notice. The other day, they invited themselves to use my new barbecue grill while I was at work.

We haven't had an official housewarming yet, so I mentioned to my wife that I would have liked to have been there for the first "party" so we could have entertained together.

I felt like my space was invaded when they asked my wife (while I was working) whether my grill had fuel, and if so, they'd come while I was gone.

Am I being too territorial, or are they rude? My wife says it's just the way her family is. Mine is nothing like that. They understand we are busy trying to settle into our new place and always give a heads up before planning a visit.

I don't like other people having functions at my house when I'm not there, even if my wife is home. Am I wrong? — Home Invasion in California

Dear Home: Your in-laws are getting permission from your wife to invade your house, either because she tells them it's OK or she allows it to happen. Since it is also her house, she assumes she can let her family use it. We understand your position, but we'd be careful about making this an issue. If the in-laws are throwing a party without you, they should stop and your wife should tell them so. If they are visiting their daughter and using your grill to make dinner, leave it alone.

Aloha Annie: You have printed a few letters recently about people in debt. Please let your readers know about Debtors Anonymous (debtorsanonymous.org). Compulsive debt is like any other compulsive disease. Trying to fix the symptoms (credit counseling, etc.) is only a short-term solution.

Our website lists the 12 signs of compulsive debting. The first is being unclear about your financial situation — not knowing account balances or monthly expenses. And, like other 12-step programs, DA has no dues or fees and the only requirement is a desire to stop going into debt. Mahalo. — Jerry in Hawaii

Dear Jerry: Many thanks for the useful information.

Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

Comments

5 Comments | Post Comment

LW#1: What's the point in divorcing someone if you're going to let him stay in your apartment? The kid's mother has to get a backbone to get rid of the guy. The 13 year old girl needs a RESPONSIBLE adult to talk to about her situation to be reassured that nothing that happens in that family is her or her brother's fault. It's hard to see a close family member ruin his own life, but he's sucking the life (and money) out of the entire household. She should use this opportunity to realize she needs to focus on her own need for a good education so that she'll have some skills to get a decent job and move out herself when the time comes.

Comment: #1
Posted by: JustMe
Wed Nov 4, 2009 3:16 AM

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LW#2: Marriage is two people who come from varying backgrounds. I come from a close-knit family and we all stop in to see each other whenever. BUT we also have no problem with saying, ---now is not a good time, catch you later---and nobody is offended. My brother-in-law is one who is of the opinion you MUST call before coming over---he's very territorial about his grill, computer, game systems and anything else in their house. He's married to my husband's sister. My husband's family is somewhat in between. They used to just feel free to stop by if they were in the area, but now they call first. I liked it the stop-by way...I feel if you're close enough, you're not bothered whether or not your house is immaculate (a problem my BIL has -- nobody can be in his house unless it is spotless. We've had to wait outside while he puts the finishing touches on it). We accept him for what he is and love him anyway...just at a distance, and NEVER NEVER stop by without an invite. Seems more like a business appointment than family getting together. He has never said yes if we initiate the call - he feels we are inviting ourselves over. The LW doesn't say whether or not his wife was present during the grilling. If she was, then he's out of line, unless he told her he doesn't want anyone using it. If nobody was at home, that's a different story.

Comment: #2
Posted by: JustMe
Wed Nov 4, 2009 3:32 AM

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LW#2: For four years I was an American in Greece, where it is part of the culture for people to drop by uninvited for extended visits. You were expected to drop everything and bring out serious refreshments. It rankled me because I don't like unexpected guests, so I can empathize. The wife's family stopping in for a cup of coffee is one thing. Firing up the new grill for a barbecue while the husband's at work is quite another. I do agree that he must tread carefully, however, even though his wife's family was being pushy and insensitive. This sort of thing can get out of hand fast and lead to resentment and family fights.

Comment: #3
Posted by: Barbara E.
Wed Nov 4, 2009 6:48 AM

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I grew up with a family that dropped in on people and people dropped in on us, sometimes at mealtime. My father would always invite them to stay, not caring that my mother would go without if there wasn't enough food to go around. Quite honestly, I hated it. I couldn't wait to get away from there and left when I was barely 18. Now, I won't drop in on people without calling first, and I don't want anyone dropping in on me, either. I don't mind lending out my stuff, but I don't want people taking it without asking.

Comment: #4
Posted by: Joannakathryn
Wed Nov 4, 2009 11:07 AM

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LW2: Without his wife's cooperation, he won't get far with the in-laws if this is their habit and his wife thinks it's fine. He can try talking to his wife and maybe she'll be able to see his point of view to at least keep it to a minimum. It would make me nuts if my in-laws or my own family dropped in on us like that. I'd find a way to put a stop to it. He doesn't want to spend the rest of his marriage in a state of slow burn.

Comment: #5
Posted by: LouisaFinnell
Sat Oct 8, 2011 9:03 PM

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Annie's Mailbox® by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar

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Annie's Mailbox, November 4

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